out in daylight, my potential

Up in Syracuse until Thursday.

I... may have almost started crying when the plane started its descent, because once we were past the clouds I could see trees and autumn and familiar landscapes and I miss this part of the country so much. If I could move up here right now, and know we'd have a place to live and a way to not starve, I'd abandon basically all our stuff in Florida to do it.

(Animals are not optional in this hypothetical move, obviously, and neither are a few sentimental things. Various electronics are necessary, but everything else? Fuck it. Even the books. It would break my heart, but on the other hand, I've moved an entire library five times in two years, and I'm a little afraid to unpack most of it because of what happened the last time I finished unpacking all my books, so... whatever. I'd probably have to keep a few in paper form, but most of them I'd happily replace with digital copies if it meant I never had to move a box of books again.)

Proooobably going down to Ithaca today, which is not going to make me feel less homesick. Going back to Florida is going to suck. I miss my bed and my office and KM and my animals, but I hate Florida and that fucking house and everything I have to put up with down there just to survive. I just want to be here.

Oh hey I still exist. It is a new year and this one needs to be better than the last, because another like that will kill me.

We are in a house instead of a trailer now, which is excellent, except that we are still lacking important furniture like bookshelves, neither the office or the bedroom door closes, and we are still waiting on someone to come to put curtains or blinds in the windows. My anxiety makes me feel like someone is always outside watching me at night, so that last part? Not fun.

( Cut for drama and people being assholes, because not everyone wants to read that nonsense )

I am working on worldbuilding for On a Saturday (which is still being restructured, though I'm more sure of what I'm doing now) and Fairies Stole My Girlfriend, because apparently I can't write a single short story without an entire elaborate universe built up around it. (Mostly I just need to know what kind of fairy this minor character is, and a few background details about the setting my main character won't even know about in this story, but because I have to do everything from the ground up, I have to get other things in place before I can decide that. Siiiigh.)

...eventually this universe will have a slightly less ridiculous title, though I'm probably stuck with it on the wiki for the rest of time. I'm okay with that.

I am at sharpeningthebones' house, alive and safe. I was somewhat uncertain this would happen for a while, because we basically ended up driving for 24+ hours with only a couple breaks for food. Many sections of this trip were probably unsafe, but I managed to avoid killing us or the suicidal armadillo lumbering toward my car. The blanketnest in the back came in very handy, but now it feels weird sleeping in a bed when nothing's moving.

Leaving Ace in Dallas was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life. (Leaving Jaqui sucked too, but I have not had Jaqui with me basically every day since she fit in one of my hands. Obviously.) Still randomly bursting into tears about it, but we are getting her back in a couple months. I just feel awful that she doesn't know why we've abandoned her, and why she's not allowed inside now, and... yeah. Jaqui says she's been howling, but she'll... hopefully quiet down as she gets used to it...

Olivia misses her too. She hasn't been crying, which is what I expected, she's just gotten really quiet, and looking for Ace, and worrying we are abandoning her too every time we step out of sight. This is heartbreaking, and is also making me cry. Damn it, puppy.

I went driving again last night, and survived even though it was raining. By the time we started back home, I wasn't even freaking out anymore, so... that's something. Pretty sure I'll be ready to drive home alone when I need to on Monday.

I can't exactly call the trip a success, because I killed a raccoon on the way home, thus continuing the tradition of bad things happening every time I try to drive in the rain, but I survived. I cried a lot after getting home, and couldn't sleep for a long time, and I'm still a little wibbly, but there are probably some very happy crows or coyote today, so... there's that.

I am weirdly frustrated today. I don't know why, there's just this persistent feeling that something is wrong in the world, and it's making me angry. I'd fix it if I knew how, but I don't even know what the problem is.

I don't even know how to start this post. "So I am intentionally turning my life upside down for reasons I'm not comfortable talking about. :D" ...yeah, that works.

Um... in summary, I'm hopefully, theoretically, at some point whenever I can figure out how the hell to manage it, moving out of the house and into an apartment of my own - probably in Syracuse, if I can manage it, because the cost of living is lower than in Ithaca. Mat and I are okay, I just need some space to myself and to take care of myself, and both of those are things I am never going to get here.

I have no fucking idea how I am going to do this in practice. I have no money of my own, I've never had a job in my life (and physically can't work any job that involves being on my feet), and I dropped out of school for mental health reasons and never managed to go back. And I've never lived by myself in my entire life, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

In short, I don't even know if I have any business trying to survive on my own. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably. I feel like this is going to crash and burn before I even leave the house.

But damn it, I am an adult. I deserve to live like one and be treated like one and be my own goddamn person. I want this so badly, even though it terrifies me.

I am back from Darkover, and did not die.

The entire trip was wonderful, including the trip down and back - despite accidentally blowing past our exit by, like, an hour on the way down, which led to being on the road for hours longer than we meant to. I think we gave the Garmin a nervous breakdown a couple times.

And rolling down all the windows, blasting "Star-Spangled Man" and singing along at the top of our lungs? BEST. THING. EVER. Seriously, you should try it some time.

The actual con was fantastic too. The panels I went to were fun and interesting (and occasionally rage-inducing - there was one where Jae and I sat clutching at each other's legs and hands and trying not to snarl at one particular panelist), I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and hang with the awesome people I already knew, and we all managed to not kill each other.

A lovely woman saw me walking with a cane and just gave me this beautiful hand-made cane someone had given her that wasn't quite working for her. I love this cane. It's like it was made for me, and I've been fondling and cuddling it all weekend.

And there was a woman at the con with a Caucasian ovtcharka that was a mobility service dog for her balance issues (which from her brief description sound a lot like mine) and you guys. That is my dream dog, including the service dog part, and talking to her made me think I might actually be able to make that work for me some day. Of course, first I'd have to be able to afford to feed a dog that big, never mind figure out where to acquire one, but some day.

...anyway, yeah. Con was awesome. Downside is that now I am totally worn the fuck out, and have no emotional energy or patience for humans or the world in general, and have been getting snarly at the simple fact that other humans exist where I can hear them how dare they. Including Mat. Which makes me feel like an awful person, but is not making the reaction go away.

Hermiting for a week is not unlikely. Which is just as well, because I feel like writing all the things now. I figured out something about the first angel book on the drive down, and some of the panels made some things click about a universe I just recently started poking at, but I need so much more research on that, and I need to go back to (re)writing the first DMA book and oh god how do I even...

I am so. Fucking. Tired. Going on over 24 hours without sleep now.

Moving into the house tonight. Furniture shopping (and maybe car? God, I hope so) tomorrow.

Won't have internet again until Wednesday. If you need me for something (or just want to tell me something even if it's not terribly urgent), poke at thatrainbow, who does have internet at work.

Nnnngh. I am stressy and tired and I hurt and I will not get to watch Fringe tonight like I wanted, but... I get to sleep with my puppy tonight, on my own mattress, in my own house where no one's going to wake me up while going about their business, and I don't have to wear clothes while I do it. That makes me feel somewhat better.

I meant to say this yesterday and got distracted by a random meltdown that I am still not over. But.

Y'know how I said a few days ago that negotiations on the house with the big yard of awesome fell through? We found out when we were with the realtor that the reason they fell through was because thatrainbow's father was being insane for no good reason.

One angry email later, and we seem to be okay again. Inspection still needs to happen. And I still don't know if turning the garage into a second house for renting is allowed or not (the garage is actually bigger than the house - not by much, but it is). But the estimated close date is around the middle of September and holy crap we might have a house after all.

Our car is back from the mechanic - not because it's fixed, but because it's the next thing to dead and it is not worth replacing the engine to get it running again. thatrainbow is still driving to work, but we are desperately hoping her dad will help us acquire a new car before this one gives up the ghost entirely, because there is no way we can afford one on our own.

I warned her years ago that naming the thing Koschei was a bad idea, and that it was bound to die at the worst possible time. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW. We're naming the eventual new one something different. I am personally voting for Backup (though tyriangalley suggested Sexy Thing, and I kind of like that too...).

Annnnd I think I need to put the computer away now because I have been sick all day and my head hurts and the bright shiny screen isn't helping.

I am so hot and tired I want to diiiieeee... only not, because I kind of have things to do. But seriously. SO DONE WITH SUMMER.

thatrainbow and I went to walk around houses today with her parents. Being around her parents at all? EXHAUSTING. Walking around and being in close proximity to them for hours at a time? WAY WORSE. But I survived, and didn't bite them or say anything untoward, and they fed and caffeinated me, so it could be worse.

The house we wanted earlier ended up having too many problems with the roof and mold for thatrainbow's parents to approve of it, but since we were there with the realtor and the inspector anyway, we all decided to go look at a couple other houses that were open.

( Cut for house rambling you may not care about... )

IN THE MEANTIME, we are looking at apartments for a few months, because not getting the first house means it is going to be even longer until we can close and actually have a house instead of just talking about it. And while it could be so much worse (as Plan B involved sleeping in our car), and Pat and Caroline are awesome, I feel bad taking over a corner of their living room, and I feel bad for the animals who don't know why they keep getting locked in crates and bedrooms and can't just wander and cuddle. (Ace is dying for love. DYYYIIING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.) So while this is not getting resolved in the longterm for another month or two, probably, I am hoping we will have a better short term solution soon.

Other random updates:
- We got the poor puppy a bigger crate, because she can't be loose in Pat and Caroline's apartment, and she couldn't actually stand up in her old one. This one is wire, and she's deeply confused because she can see us but can't get to us. Pat and Caroline's cats are also deeply confused, because they seem to believe Ace is some kind of alien, and now they can see her clearly. But now she can actually stand up and stretch out, and I don't feel like such a horrible human being.
- At house #1, we met a tiny white stray cat. She's so small I don't think she's more than a year old, and so skinny, and there's no one and nothing in the house, so it's not like the owners are still moving and just haven't moved her yet. And she's skittish but also super affectionate, and was flirting with us so hard once she realized we wouldn't eat her. Whenever we get an apartment (oh god please soon), we are planning to swing by that house and see if she's still there. Not sure if we'd be able to keep her, but she will at least not be a sad little porch stray hanging around an empty home with no one to feed her.
- Dear christ, I need to get back to the free clinic. NEED TO. We didn't go in last Thursday because I was exhausted and would have to take the bus home and we were moving the next day. And then the car started to die, so we couldn't go Monday, or the Thursday after that. I am down to two pills of my citalopram, and I do not want to go through withdrawal. I have done that shit before, and it is unbelievably awful. Also, the counselor seemed really concerned when I mentioned my weird heart problems to him, as did the clinic coordinator, so they want me to talk to the actual doctor and then see about arranging financial aid for me to see a cardiologist or something. FUN STUFF. MY BODY IS NOW ALARMING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. :D

Ohgodmylifewhyyyy.

I am running on no sleep. And either I have forgotten what packing is usually like in the past two years, or it is just more hellish than usual this time. It's not like this is the first time we waited until the absolute last minute to get started. WHY SO HARD NOW.

...of course, my body hated me a lot less the last time we moved. And I wasn't going on two months of hellish insomnia. That might have something to do with it. Still.

Current status:
- Books all packed (except for the ones under the bed, because I can't GET to them right now).
- Clothes almost definitely entirely packed. I am fairly sure of this, because I had trouble finding a shirt when I realized I'd... neglected to leave one out to wear.
- Kitchen... mostly packed, I think. Everything I want is out of the upper cabinets, I just have to check the ones under the sink and the drawers.
- Desk still a disaster zone.
- Notebooks need to be sorted into ones I need in the next month or so, and ones I can shove in storage.
- Bag for notebooks need to be located. Probably going to be the Blue Sun bag, because my backpack has gone missing. Terribly mysterious.
- Cabinets and drawers in the living room need to be doublechecked for things I care about.
- Furniture needs to be dissassembled and... stuff (bed, two tables, and... actually, I don't think the desk comes apart).
- Bathroom needs to be searched for anything I care about.
- Various files need to be moved from Gwen to my external. And then I need to find something to DO with Gwen. I don't think I have a free bag for her. CRAP.
- Pet supplies need to be organized and put in one place.
- All three pets need to be bathed. This is the point at which I will probably break down and cry, if I haven't gotten there yet.

I'm just... staring blankly at the computer at this point. Need to get up the motivation and energy to go back to the kitchen. Can't.

EDIT: Out of tape. Send help. And by help, I don't mean more tape (though that would be nice). I mean, like, helicopters. Possibly snipers. ...I don't know what good that will do, but it would probably make me feel better. Or at least distract me.