out in daylight, my potential

I don't even know how to start this post. "So I am intentionally turning my life upside down for reasons I'm not comfortable talking about. :D" ...yeah, that works.

Um... in summary, I'm hopefully, theoretically, at some point whenever I can figure out how the hell to manage it, moving out of the house and into an apartment of my own - probably in Syracuse, if I can manage it, because the cost of living is lower than in Ithaca. Mat and I are okay, I just need some space to myself and to take care of myself, and both of those are things I am never going to get here.

I have no fucking idea how I am going to do this in practice. I have no money of my own, I've never had a job in my life (and physically can't work any job that involves being on my feet), and I dropped out of school for mental health reasons and never managed to go back. And I've never lived by myself in my entire life, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

In short, I don't even know if I have any business trying to survive on my own. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably. I feel like this is going to crash and burn before I even leave the house.

But damn it, I am an adult. I deserve to live like one and be treated like one and be my own goddamn person. I want this so badly, even though it terrifies me.

Negotiations on the house we were looking at did not work out for some reason. I think we're supposed to look at another couple tomorrow, but... I so don't care anymore. I just want to be done with this crap.

We haven't even been able to do anything about finding an apartment to stay in until house stuff happens, because the car has been out of commission for a week. It's at the mechanic now - AGAIN - but given how much that helped last time...

I don't know. I have run out of any ability to be optimistic about anything. I'm hungry and tired and cranky and on the verge of tears, I can't think clearly or focus on anything, and I've just about reached the point where talking out loud or acknowledging other people or even existing in the same room with other people is almost physically painful.

I just want anywhere at all that is mine. Barring that, I'd take a quiet, dark room where other humans don't exist. Neither of those things is going to happen any time soon.