we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: (SU | HOW DARE)
Somehow in uploading icons, my default got changed to this horribly offended Pearl, and that is so hilariously appropriate to my mood the last week or so that I'm just going to keep it for now.

EDIT: And then I restructured my entire journal layout around it. Because aesthetic.
mortalcity: A painted rock. It has a face with its tongue sticking out. It knows things. (OtGW | that's a rock fact)
I installed an extension that changes pictures of Trump and almost anything related to him to kitten pictures. Which has immediately made my internet life 1000% better. But also… somewhat more confusing.

Long string of adorable kitten pictures, followed by “in other news, Trump also stole Obama’s cake”. Th- Thaaaaanks? Literally not sure if this is real or a Lex Luthor joke.

(I checked. It’s real. And that's terrible.)
mortalcity: Text: "Note the swirling vortex of death." (text | note the swirling vortex of death)
I really need to find something to do today that's not just being sad and repeatedly refreshing tumblr in the hopes it will distract me. It won't. Tumblr cannot save me.

I keep trying to kick myself into poking at writing things but I don't even know where to start right now. Even just messing with my bullet journal doesn't seem worth the energy. Every time I try to put on something for background noise, I get annoyed with it after a minute or two.

What the fuck do I do with myself when it feels like the world is quietly ending? I've got nothing.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
Meds re-acquired, though I won't actually get them until tomorrow.

Cut for uninteresting medication details )

I also got my new glasses in the mail. Including sunglasses! (Which is great, because Wellbutrin in particular has a tendency to turn me into Georgia Mason. Worth it, but annoying as hell.) They keep sliding down my nose and focusing at any kind of distance is... interesting right now, but they are new and they don't have any scratches on them at all! It's very exciting.
mortalcity: A wolf licking its lips sardonically. (wolves | don't listen to them twice)
D&D Adventurer's League is tonight, and I keep getting excited because I miss my rogue and haven't played her in like a month... and then I remember. Tonight is only 1-4 tables. She is level 5 now.

My level 2 baby cleric is fun too, and since clerics are super rare in our store for some reason, she's really useful, but... I miss rogueing.

And now, a story of the best thing that rogue has done to date )
mortalcity: Barbara Gordon, typing on a laptop with the Oracle logo. (DC | we rise once more)
Hello, everyone. I exist again. 2016 was hell for several different reasons, I couldn't write, and at a certain point talking about my life just made me sad so I drifted away from Dreamwidth. But it's a new year, I have insurance again and presumably medication soon, and I am trying to be a semi-functional adult again.

Quick intro for everyone I just added from the friending meme:

My name is Aubrey, or Birdie, whichever you prefer. I'm 28, lesbian, poly, mentally ill and physically disabled. I live in Florida (not my first or tenth or probably twentieth choice of places to live, but here I am) with my partner, [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, and our other partner [personal profile] storyinmypocket will be moving in with us later this month!

Animals we live with include: Ace, a shepherd/pitbull mix, who is made of wrinkles and cuddles; Princess Olivia Natalia, a strange deerlike changeling child of no particular breed; the twins, Quentin and Toby, one of which is the light of my life and my daemon and has never done anything wrong ever in her life, and the other is her brother and an adorable little shit; and Ariel, who is vast and orange and not very bright. I love them all very much, even when they're terrible.

I like comics and fantasy and folklore and ancient history and tabletop rp, and I write novels and original fic. I'm going to try to talk more about all of those things, as well as lifestuff and more animal pictures, when I am actually medicated. Very soon.

Everyone who is new here, welcome to whatever this is! Everyone who's been here for a while, welcome baaack? Hi. I missed you.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
So April was a mess thanks to a combination of still not being over that shitty thing my best friend did to me, my meds suddenly dropping off in effectiveness, and actually running out of meds for a while before I could see the doctor for a refill. It was not good, but my meds are back at a higher dosage, I'm slowly feeling better, and we will not speak of this April again.

I'm kind of... staring at everything I abandoned for a month, trying to figure out how to get a handle on any of it again. I don't even know what I want to deal with rn. Outlining? Worldbuilding? Screwing around with short ficlets untiL I remember how to put words together? Goal-setting is hard and I don't have energy for it, but I kind of... need to... anyway.

(I do need to find my inner Hamilton again and write another letter by the 20th, but that will only take a day, so I have some time to get around to that. Other than that... ehhhh. I don't know.)
mortalcity: A woman's wrist with a compass rose tattoo. (stock | keep following the heartlines)
Finally finished my application for improbable dream job and sent it in. I would have been done with it a week ago, but I was trying to get a hold of some people to acquire contact info and they were... about as useless as I have come to expect. I don't trust people anymore and these specific people are the reason. Gave up on them eventually and found alternate contacts, because fuuuuck relying on fundamentally unreliable people.

But the thing is done and I can stop stressing about it! Absolutely nothing is going to come of it, but I'm glad I got it in anyway.

And now I need to remember how words work, because I have totally failed at writing and RP stuff while dealing with this. But I don't know where to start, and if I'm being honest, all I want to do right now is play Dragon Age. Killing dragons and collecting things and knocking out quests is comforting to my neurotic completionist soul.
mortalcity: (Hamilton | looking for a mind at work)
Hrrrm. Idk if I'm going to manage Camp NaNo this round after all. My sleep schedule's been fucked up and that has ruined every schedule that exists (because I have OCD, and the exact times matter and if I can't do things at that exact time nothing is getting done), so... not a lot of writing got done this month.

I was on schedule for, like, one glorious week, though, and in that time managed to get down an outline for this book. I need to tweak it and expand on it, but it is definitely story-shaped and not terrible! It's actually starting to look like it's going to be really fun to write, when I get there. So maybe the Camp NaNo after this one...

Only tangentially related to writing, but I came to a realization this week that kind of... broke through some of the learned helplessness about my life. And suddenly I have a plan for shit and, like, some hope that things will get better than they are, and it is strange but a really nice change.

I really need to Hamilton the shit out of a thing at some point today, and I am stalling on starting because I don't totally know what I'm doing and I'm very concerned I'm going to fuck it up... buuut I'll get over that once I've had a little more coffee. Despite the schedule fuckery, I am feeling a lot more on top of my shit than I have in a long long time.
mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.
mortalcity: Text: "There is no 'isolated self-destruction' in the word 'team'." (text | no isolated self-destruction)
Maybe some day I will stop giving basically every protagonist ever some variety of crippling anxiety. ...but it's definitely not going to happen on this story.

Plus, you know, I don't think I have a single friend who's not mentally ill in one way or another, so whatever. So what if all my characters reflect that? Like with queer characters, at a certain point I just... yeah, straight people exist in the world. So do neurotypical people. And someone else can go write stories about them, because I don't care.

(This post brought to you by a lot of second-guessing myself, because wow, Birdie, that is the third main character in a row with anxiety maybe reel it in a little there. BUT NOPE I REFUSE.)
mortalcity: A painted rock. It has a face with its tongue sticking out. It knows things. (OtGW | that's a rock fact)
Urgh. I had to take some anxiety meds before I went to bed last night - double the tiny amount I usually take because I wasn't calming the fuck down fast enough - and I woke up with the worst headache, because I can never drink enough water to compensate for the meds dehydrating me. This on top of the mundane but annoying hallucinations before I fell asleep (it... went kind of like this), really vivid nightmares, and sleeping through my alarm.

On the bright side, I actually finished a thing last night! By... bribing myself with a nap if I wrote words fast enough, and boy it worked. I'll take it, I guess. So... cleaning that up and posting it to [community profile] rainbowfic, while I try to figure out what I'm working on next.

I should probably finish any one of the half-finished things sitting on my Google Drive, but... ugghhh...
mortalcity: A flock of corvids against a pale sky (corvids | the devil counted to seven)
The last month, in summary: generally crap. Got derailed from writing for a while because of breakup drama, struggled with RP things because of reasons. Basically, February can go to hell.

Except for the Hamilton bootleg. That part was not so terrible.

Word Count: 12327 (with RP); 2755 (without RP). ....like I said, not great.
Stories Written: This one WG ficlet is all I finished; a couple of other things slowly getting added to that I will finish eventually.
Reading: A lot of Animorphs, currently paused at #25 while I wait for [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton to catch up with me; The Sleeping Beauty by Mercedes Lackey, because I like to read silly fluffy fantasy when I am sad.

This month: writing again! Actually finishing some goddamn fics. Figuring out what the hell I am doing with my larger projects. Burying myself in work in an attempt to distract myself from overwhelming anxiety about my living situation, once again.

Month goals, for accountability reasons )
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
Ugh, I keep passing out stupid early every night and sleeping forever. No one let me take a nap tonight. Just... don't. Yell at me to get coffee instead.

On the bright side, I finished a short ficlet last night! It's the first time I've actually written in this universe, so I'm not... entirely sure what I'm doing, but I had some [community profile] rainbowfic novelty beads that kind of demanded it, so. Wild Girls! Posted here if you're in [community profile] rainbowfic and here if you're not (that comm is locked because I don't like posting original fic publicly, but I will immediately accept any join requests from anyone I actually recognize).

I don't have to be in my office for another couple hours, but I think today I will be editing some wiki pages annnd writing another WG ficlet. Hopefully not getting lost in wolf vidoes on YouTube again, but I can't promise anything. This month has been a complete mess, but I am slowly bouncing back.
mortalcity: Barbara Gordon, typing on a laptop with the Oracle logo. (DC | we rise once more)
Still alive, struggling my way back to productivity, not much to say otherwise. Have some cat pictures instead.

Cut for large-ish photos )
mortalcity: (Hamilton | looking for a mind at work)
On a completely different note. Posting writing goals for the month, because [profile] thebonesofferalletters did it and it seemed like a good idea.

  • [community profile] rainbowfic Stuff
    • Write 2500 words for the comm Not quite, but close enough to count
    • Actually finish two or three fics (minimum...) I finished... one
    • Finish prism (+ prism saturation because I'm a masochist)

  • Wiki Stuff
    • Put together the egregore page
    • Add a few more DMA character pages

  • RP Stuff

...I feel like there's something important I'm forgetting here, but whatever. I'll come back and edit it in if I think of it.
mortalcity: A giant bulldog followed by a tiny black raincloud. Raindog has had enough. (OtGW | well. that's enough.)
I let doctors take my blood today and now I am suffering.

My heart's beating too fast in an attempt to compensate for my shitty blood pressure, which my brain of course is interpreting as anxiety, I am starving and nauseous at the same time, and I can't stand up without the whole world trying to tip sideways. And this is after a burger and a milkshake and a nap.

On the bright side, the lab tech who took my blood was very good at her job despite my tragically low blood pressure making veins difficult to find. My arm doesn't hurt and I can't even see the mark. So there's that.

I need a hug. And probably some more flesh to consume.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
Could not sleep or write because for some reason my brain would not stop screaming.

Finally talked myself into taking an anxiety pill, because I realized I had locked myself in my office for no reason (no one else is awake right now) and the internal screaming seemed likely to turn external before long.

...aaand of course, even though I only took a tiny fraction of a pill, the second it actually hits me, it's like this bank of fog just rolled into my brain. So I'm calmer, but also not writing under these circumstances.

I'm going the hell back to bed. To nap, or at least lay in the dark and read Animorphs. Whichever my brain will tolerate. Mrrph.

I'm writing when I get up, though. Anxiety doesn't get to win this time.
Jan. 17th, 2016 05:17 am

Brain WHY.

mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
I have been having a lot of weird fucking anxiety dreams lately.

Cut because other people's dreams are boring )

...so I'm not sleeping tonight. It is not a direct result of this nonsense, but not totally unrelated either.