out in daylight, my potential

Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.

I still exist. Been swinging back and forth between "pretty okay and productive" and "TOTALLY NOT OKAY AT ALL SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING" and... yeah. Brain chemistry is still doing things it shouldn't, but it could be worse.

At least now I am reassured that I really do have depression and haven't somehow been faking it for half my life. Because that was a thing I worried about for a while. Because obviously going three or four months without a hard crash means it was never real at all? /shrug

Today, I am slowly sinking into a hatespiral because the power went out just as I sat down to work. It's back now, after a couple hours, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated anyway, and I have been working on wiki pages and prewriting for weeks now and I'm getting really really sick of it and I just want to write my actual story again. So now it's super late, I still have to do my words for the day, but I have to do it while snarling at the screen and my brain and everything in the world.

My house is still not unpacked. I want to put together the bookshelves and unpack all the books and get my office set up better (though... I will still need a desk that is not a piece of crap for that), but I'm still kind of terrified something is going to make us move again. I will probably still be terrified of that for a long time, after last fucking year. I really just need someone to come over to my house and do it for me, because I'm a little concerned if it's up to me it'll never get done.

Good things happening, so this is not all sadness:
- A couple friends randomly gave me story ideas out of the blue. One of them was a jerk and gave me vampires, which I did not ask for and am not sure I want, but kind of want to poke at anyway. Because I hate myself, apparently. If anyone was wondering, I will always accept story ideas if you have one you're sure you won't write yourself. They are the best gift.
- I am in a shiny plotty RP, because a friend mods it and is a terrible enabler. I have no idea what I'm doing there yet, but I am having fun with it. And also some of my castmates are making me art just because, and it's amazing. So that's pretty cool.
- ( cut for photo )
Toby is still adorable and Best of Cats. This is very important.

The magical beta-blocker-enabled revelations continue! ...mainly in that I am rediscovering the joy in everything ever, and also remarkably chill about everything else.

Today I did all my tags, and then took an hour's break to read fic, and then spent three hours writing. I was gloriously productive, and did not freak out or hate myself when I realized I'd gotten distracted and forgot to squeeze in another hour of writing before midnight. So awesome.

I haven't even freaked out about having to go to counseling tomorrow. Yet. That's still making me anxious and twitchy if I think about it for too long, but I'm not letting myself do that. In all other areas, I am so calm I almost don't recognize myself, and I like it this way.

( Writing rambling )

( RP rambling that is more about me than my games )

( FIC RECS! Newsflesh and Fringe )