out in daylight, my potential

Went out yesterday to see an old friend who is back in town, along with actuallyclintbarton, thebonesofferalletters, and balsamandash. Lots of fun, and weirdly like being 16 again, but totally exhausting - I came home, meant to take a nap for two or three hours maximum, and ended up sleeping forever. (I woke up for a couple hours around 4 AM, and went back to bed before 7, because nope. My body was not ready for consciousness.)

So, since I didn't get to write much yesterday, I holed up in my office today to try to make up for it. I may have spent some time lying on the floor whining about how writing is hard while Toby sat on my chest and purred, but I'm at over 800 words for the day, so it turned out well. Actually having an office again, even if it's not perfect yet, is definitely helping.

I am even ahead of schedule for getyourwordsout! Not a huge amount, but by a comfortable margin.

( A CHART! Shut up I love charts. )

Been listening to my playlists for Kilgate things while writing, and I am remembering again why I love this series. I need to figure out what I'm doing for those first two books so I can outline and actually start writing again. I am ready to go home to Kilgate now.

Uggggggh. So we're moving somewhat abruptly, because it's that or get evicted (do not ask me to tell the story right now), and I am pretty sure I am going to collapse or explode or something. I am tired and in pain and way too stressed and I do not want to be doing this. I want to be done. We have too much stuff and not enough room and not enough time.

Aaaand on top of everything else, there's this whole clusterfuck with the animals. We're moving in with Mal (which is great), but we're going to have to stay at their family's house until we can get a place of our own, and their mother is insisting we only take one animal.

We have four.

Ace is going to stay with Jaqui in Dallas, so that's okay. She'll have to stay outside, and it's going to be a pain to go back and get her when we have a place to put her, but she knows Jaqui and as long as she does not turn out to be some kind of crazy escape artist, all should work out on that front.

Olive is coming with us, because she is small and neurotic and does not do well with separation. It's going to be bad enough separating her from her sister, and I would not inflict this dog on someone who is not well-acquainted with her crazy.

We had a place for the cats until fucking yesterday, when the guy who'd been saying for weeks that he could take them backed out with no reason given. It was great of him to wait this long so we have literally no time to make other arrangements. Really. Thank you so much for that, dude.

So... I really don't fucking know. We're probably going to end up taking them to Mal's place anyway. I cannot give them up - we got them on my birthday, almost exactly a month after Simba died, and October is my daemon and possibly Simba's reincarnation, because sometimes she's so much like him it's spooky, and I will not let go of her.

I guess if worst comes to worst, plan B is, once again, living in the back of the car with the dog. In Florida. In the summer. Yaaaay.

I went to collapse on the bed in a fit of "I cannot write and therefore am a worthless human being". Ace came to lick my face (or try, because I didn't let her), and then laid down on the bed next to me so I could rest my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat. When I tried to get up, she moved so her head was on my shoulder, pinning me down more effectively than I thought possible, and kept me there until I had calmed the fuck down and felt more or less better.

Good dog. Best friend.

...In other news, I'm still alive. My beta blockers continue to work - I walked almost two miles earlier this week without a cane (and while wrestling the dog to keep her out of the road) and I didn't die! Antidepressants are still... iffy - I had a pretty bad downswing a few weeks ago, which is part of why I haven't updated for so long. Medicaid actually came through, and I haven't been to see a doctor (or get new glasses) yet, but hopefully soon.

thatrainbow and I took the dog to the dog park a couple days ago. Ace spent the entire time racing around and trying (awkwardly) to make friends with the other dogs, and almost fell asleep on my lap on the car ride home. We're thinking about getting either a pair of kittens or a puppy, depending on whether or not Michaelcat stops being a little shithead after he's been neutered and how soon Mat's father comes through on his promise to get our front yard fenced. Either way, I'm excited and would like my small furry creature now now now.

...yep. My life is exciting.

And then I fell off the face of the world again. Sorry, guys, I had another episode of sleeping almost constantly for a week, and then weird issues with vertigo and nausea and brain zaps that I'm pretty sure are related to my meds.

I'm feeling mostly better now. Sleeping normally, waking up at a reasonable time, actually getting things done. I've had the house to myself for a few days, which is nice, I get a Jae tonight, Mat comes back tomorrow, and I woke up to snow this morning! It's actually still snowing, slowly but steadily. So the world is forgiven for that week or so of unconsciousness.

Now that I am capable of staying awake long enough to put one together, here is my late holiday wishlist, if anyone is interested.

STEP ONE
☆ Make a post to your LJ/DW. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related to medium to really big. The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
☆ If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) can get in touch with you. Your home address is not required!
☆ Make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ/DW so that the holiday joy will spread.

STEP TWO
☆ Surf around your friends list to see who has posted their list. And now, here's the important part...
☆ If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true.
☆ You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf - to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not - it's your call. There are no guarantees with this project, and no strings attached. Just... wish, and it might come true. Give and you might receive. You'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

( Yes, this is late. In my defense... did I mention the unconsciousness? )

Email me for my address at taibhsearachd@gmail.com. If you want to send a secret gift, you can get my address from thatrainbow at beka@bekacavanaugh.com.

I am back from Darkover, and did not die.

The entire trip was wonderful, including the trip down and back - despite accidentally blowing past our exit by, like, an hour on the way down, which led to being on the road for hours longer than we meant to. I think we gave the Garmin a nervous breakdown a couple times.

And rolling down all the windows, blasting "Star-Spangled Man" and singing along at the top of our lungs? BEST. THING. EVER. Seriously, you should try it some time.

The actual con was fantastic too. The panels I went to were fun and interesting (and occasionally rage-inducing - there was one where Jae and I sat clutching at each other's legs and hands and trying not to snarl at one particular panelist), I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and hang with the awesome people I already knew, and we all managed to not kill each other.

A lovely woman saw me walking with a cane and just gave me this beautiful hand-made cane someone had given her that wasn't quite working for her. I love this cane. It's like it was made for me, and I've been fondling and cuddling it all weekend.

And there was a woman at the con with a Caucasian ovtcharka that was a mobility service dog for her balance issues (which from her brief description sound a lot like mine) and you guys. That is my dream dog, including the service dog part, and talking to her made me think I might actually be able to make that work for me some day. Of course, first I'd have to be able to afford to feed a dog that big, never mind figure out where to acquire one, but some day.

...anyway, yeah. Con was awesome. Downside is that now I am totally worn the fuck out, and have no emotional energy or patience for humans or the world in general, and have been getting snarly at the simple fact that other humans exist where I can hear them how dare they. Including Mat. Which makes me feel like an awful person, but is not making the reaction go away.

Hermiting for a week is not unlikely. Which is just as well, because I feel like writing all the things now. I figured out something about the first angel book on the drive down, and some of the panels made some things click about a universe I just recently started poking at, but I need so much more research on that, and I need to go back to (re)writing the first DMA book and oh god how do I even...

Okay, so... I'm finally admitting I've been sick for the past week or so. I really didn't want to admit it, because while Mat's been coughing up his lungs, I haven't had any symptoms beyond excessive tiredness, but...

I'm almost positive I've spent more hours unconscious than conscious this week. And even having slept all that time, I am constantly tired, every part of my body aches, I can't focus on anything, and I'm so frustrated by the whole thing I'm liable to burst into tears at the slightest provocation. If that's not a sign something's wrong, I don't know what is. So fine, body. You win. I'm sick after all.

And as a result of this stupid mysterious illness, I have not written... like... at all. For this entire week. Which puts me far enough behind on NaNo that I think I just need to give up on the idea of 50k by the end of the month, because at this point it's stressing me out more than it's helping. Still going to try to write every day if I can, but also trying to stop fixating so much on the word count (which is not easy for me in the first place, never mind during November, but I'll do what I can).

...I think right now I need to curl up with coffee in the desperate hope it'll wake me up a tiny bit. And while I'm at it, I will try to convince myself I'm not a total failure at everything.

thatrainbow and I went to a midnight write-in at the diner for the kickoff last night, and it was awesome. I was more social than I have been in I don't know how long, and despite our table being the chattiest and least productive, we all actually did get stuff done.

Words Today: 1856
Total Words: 1856
Reason for stopping: I was starting to hate myself and everything I was writing. Jae pointed out a break was good for my sanity.
Animals: Ace is curled up on the pillow on the floor by my desk. Michaelcat keeps wandering in and out, occasionally claiming my lap. Simba is probably exactly where he has been on the couch all day long.
Caffeine intake: Uh... six cups of coffee and a Coke. Plus one cup of coffee I didn't actually drink, because I passed out first.

This year's NaNo is going to drive me even more insane than usual. I'm shooting for 80-90k rather than 50k. This is not as crazy as it sounds, because I already have a chunk of it written - I'm just not sure how much, because I haven't yet determined how much of that needs to be rewritten due to plot changes. Yes, I am breaking all the rules and I don't care. I am finishing this book this year, god damn it.

I'm still in the prologue right now. And, uh... I might've had a mild freakout just before I stopped and started butchering stuff to move it around and, y'know, doing exactly what you are not supposed to do in NaNo, with the editing and deleting words and stuff. I came to my senses and... stopped, and will get it sorted out when I have a chance to chill out again.

I've suddenly fallen in love with a character who for years I have only been neutral toward. I still have to kill her soon. Sorry, Abby. I promise I'll give you a short story when I'm done with this book.

Yesterday was my birthday, and I actually managed to avoid being kicked in the face by my birthday curse. (Don't ask, but it exists.) I still didn't leave the house, because I really don't want to tempt fate that much, but thatrainbow and several other people wished me happy birthday, and nothing bad happened. It was magical.

Mat made me breakfast and dinner, and we put two coats of paint on the trim in the bedroom (well... Mat painted. I taped.) so it is almost done, and there was wine and brownies (and vodka the night before) and it was basically the best birthday I have had in very a long time.

In other news:

• Jae thinks the increased dose of drugs is helping. Now that the awful brainfuzzing side effects have mostly worn off, I have to agree with her that I am definitely perkier the past few days (although I disagree with her word choice there - I would like to think I don't do perky).
  
  
• There has been an orange ninja in my yard on a few seperate occasions, but given that my yard was A) full of cover for small furry animals and B) full of orange, it was kind of hard to identify it. The recent windstorm helped a little with both of those things, and today I actually got a good enough look to see that it's a gorgeous orange and white tom cat.
  I went outside to try and say hello, and he looked like he was considering coming over to meet me, but then something (I think one of the neighbor's dogs) spooked him and he took off. Because I am a sucker for furry things and the weather's been bad lately, I left the door to one of the sheds propped open, and a bowl of cat food in the floor in the shed. Just in case he needs it.
  
  
• I am starting to think maybe we should turn that shed into a chicken coop instead of going and building a whole new structure when we're ready for chickens. Mat wanting it for a painting and recording studio, but the garage has electricity and plenty of space for that plus the car once we actually get our stuff out of there and into the house and/or the storage shed. CHIKKINZ.
  
  
• I am going to start making lists of things I did every day. Because I tend to overload to do lists and then feel like a complete failure for not being superhuman. So maybe the other way around will work better for me.
  
  ( Today I: )

I am so. Fucking. Tired. Going on over 24 hours without sleep now.

Moving into the house tonight. Furniture shopping (and maybe car? God, I hope so) tomorrow.

Won't have internet again until Wednesday. If you need me for something (or just want to tell me something even if it's not terribly urgent), poke at thatrainbow, who does have internet at work.

Nnnngh. I am stressy and tired and I hurt and I will not get to watch Fringe tonight like I wanted, but... I get to sleep with my puppy tonight, on my own mattress, in my own house where no one's going to wake me up while going about their business, and I don't have to wear clothes while I do it. That makes me feel somewhat better.

I meant to say this yesterday and got distracted by a random meltdown that I am still not over. But.

Y'know how I said a few days ago that negotiations on the house with the big yard of awesome fell through? We found out when we were with the realtor that the reason they fell through was because thatrainbow's father was being insane for no good reason.

One angry email later, and we seem to be okay again. Inspection still needs to happen. And I still don't know if turning the garage into a second house for renting is allowed or not (the garage is actually bigger than the house - not by much, but it is). But the estimated close date is around the middle of September and holy crap we might have a house after all.

Our car is back from the mechanic - not because it's fixed, but because it's the next thing to dead and it is not worth replacing the engine to get it running again. thatrainbow is still driving to work, but we are desperately hoping her dad will help us acquire a new car before this one gives up the ghost entirely, because there is no way we can afford one on our own.

I warned her years ago that naming the thing Koschei was a bad idea, and that it was bound to die at the worst possible time. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW. We're naming the eventual new one something different. I am personally voting for Backup (though tyriangalley suggested Sexy Thing, and I kind of like that too...).

Annnnd I think I need to put the computer away now because I have been sick all day and my head hurts and the bright shiny screen isn't helping.