out in daylight, my potential

I am back from Darkover, and did not die.

The entire trip was wonderful, including the trip down and back - despite accidentally blowing past our exit by, like, an hour on the way down, which led to being on the road for hours longer than we meant to. I think we gave the Garmin a nervous breakdown a couple times.

And rolling down all the windows, blasting "Star-Spangled Man" and singing along at the top of our lungs? BEST. THING. EVER. Seriously, you should try it some time.

The actual con was fantastic too. The panels I went to were fun and interesting (and occasionally rage-inducing - there was one where Jae and I sat clutching at each other's legs and hands and trying not to snarl at one particular panelist), I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and hang with the awesome people I already knew, and we all managed to not kill each other.

A lovely woman saw me walking with a cane and just gave me this beautiful hand-made cane someone had given her that wasn't quite working for her. I love this cane. It's like it was made for me, and I've been fondling and cuddling it all weekend.

And there was a woman at the con with a Caucasian ovtcharka that was a mobility service dog for her balance issues (which from her brief description sound a lot like mine) and you guys. That is my dream dog, including the service dog part, and talking to her made me think I might actually be able to make that work for me some day. Of course, first I'd have to be able to afford to feed a dog that big, never mind figure out where to acquire one, but some day.

...anyway, yeah. Con was awesome. Downside is that now I am totally worn the fuck out, and have no emotional energy or patience for humans or the world in general, and have been getting snarly at the simple fact that other humans exist where I can hear them how dare they. Including Mat. Which makes me feel like an awful person, but is not making the reaction go away.

Hermiting for a week is not unlikely. Which is just as well, because I feel like writing all the things now. I figured out something about the first angel book on the drive down, and some of the panels made some things click about a universe I just recently started poking at, but I need so much more research on that, and I need to go back to (re)writing the first DMA book and oh god how do I even...

I'm still alive.

Inspection on the house happened, and did not come up with any problems, so we should have a house in twenty days or so.

However, we are dead broke - even with thatrainbow's paycheck this week - so... y'know, eating this week is going to be fun. By which I mean I probably... mostly... won't.

I miiiight be able to get a job at Caroline's work for at least a little while, except hah, it requires a physical and shot records - I could almost definitely get a physical at the free clinic, but I do not have my shot records, and there's no way I can afford a blood test or whatever to confirm I've actually had the required shots. So that probably won't happen after all.

I want to be happy about the house working out. But mostly I'm just feeling stupid and useless and... Having no control over anything in my life, for better or worse, is just really demoralizing. I'm so tired and stressed (and so undercaffeinated oh god), and twenty days just seems like forever when it's standing between me and any sort of privacy (and my coffeemaker).

I am so hot and tired I want to diiiieeee... only not, because I kind of have things to do. But seriously. SO DONE WITH SUMMER.

thatrainbow and I went to walk around houses today with her parents. Being around her parents at all? EXHAUSTING. Walking around and being in close proximity to them for hours at a time? WAY WORSE. But I survived, and didn't bite them or say anything untoward, and they fed and caffeinated me, so it could be worse.

The house we wanted earlier ended up having too many problems with the roof and mold for thatrainbow's parents to approve of it, but since we were there with the realtor and the inspector anyway, we all decided to go look at a couple other houses that were open.

( Cut for house rambling you may not care about... )

IN THE MEANTIME, we are looking at apartments for a few months, because not getting the first house means it is going to be even longer until we can close and actually have a house instead of just talking about it. And while it could be so much worse (as Plan B involved sleeping in our car), and Pat and Caroline are awesome, I feel bad taking over a corner of their living room, and I feel bad for the animals who don't know why they keep getting locked in crates and bedrooms and can't just wander and cuddle. (Ace is dying for love. DYYYIIING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.) So while this is not getting resolved in the longterm for another month or two, probably, I am hoping we will have a better short term solution soon.

Other random updates:
- We got the poor puppy a bigger crate, because she can't be loose in Pat and Caroline's apartment, and she couldn't actually stand up in her old one. This one is wire, and she's deeply confused because she can see us but can't get to us. Pat and Caroline's cats are also deeply confused, because they seem to believe Ace is some kind of alien, and now they can see her clearly. But now she can actually stand up and stretch out, and I don't feel like such a horrible human being.
- At house #1, we met a tiny white stray cat. She's so small I don't think she's more than a year old, and so skinny, and there's no one and nothing in the house, so it's not like the owners are still moving and just haven't moved her yet. And she's skittish but also super affectionate, and was flirting with us so hard once she realized we wouldn't eat her. Whenever we get an apartment (oh god please soon), we are planning to swing by that house and see if she's still there. Not sure if we'd be able to keep her, but she will at least not be a sad little porch stray hanging around an empty home with no one to feed her.
- Dear christ, I need to get back to the free clinic. NEED TO. We didn't go in last Thursday because I was exhausted and would have to take the bus home and we were moving the next day. And then the car started to die, so we couldn't go Monday, or the Thursday after that. I am down to two pills of my citalopram, and I do not want to go through withdrawal. I have done that shit before, and it is unbelievably awful. Also, the counselor seemed really concerned when I mentioned my weird heart problems to him, as did the clinic coordinator, so they want me to talk to the actual doctor and then see about arranging financial aid for me to see a cardiologist or something. FUN STUFF. MY BODY IS NOW ALARMING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. :D