They say the happy is expensive, but the ever after's free...

[mortalcity]

• I am so tired. My eyes burn when I blink, and yet I can't actually sleep when I try to. Also, it's fucking freezing, and this is just adding to my desire to hibernate, and my frustration when I can't. I know I asked the universe to make it autumn instead of summer, and I appreciate that it complied, but... I meant a slightly warmer autumn. At least until I get my coats out of storage.
  
  
• Jae and I closed babylonwood a few days ago. Neither of us can really give it the time and attention it deserves and trying to was stressing us both out beyond belief, but... I'm really sad about it. I loved that game.
  
  Also, now I feel like a total failure - which is dumb, because it survived a year and ran pretty well despite random stressors and stumbling blocks popping up constantly, and it had quite a few players who loved it as much as we did. Knowing that - and knowing that most games don't even get off the ground, and those that do usually die in the first couple months - does not make me feel like less of a failure. :\
  
  
  • I am now at a total loss as to what to do with myself. I have no tags to do. I've forbidden myself to work on On a Saturday until we move and settle in, because A) I don't have space and quiet enough to write here, and B) I do not need one more thing to freak out about right now.
    
    Unfortunately, that's... not really working. The "avoiding more freakouts" thing. Because now, instead of freaking out about all the things I should be doing, I am three steps away from a panic attack because I have nothing to do. I am lazy and useless and some higher power is bound to notice this and punish me for it. I actually started to hyperventilate yesterday because of it (managed to stop myself before it got really bad, which is good, because thatrainbow was still at work and was therefore not available to talk me through not passing out).
    
    Yes, I am incapable of taking vacations of any kind. I am a tightly wound ball of stress and neuroses and do not know how to relax in ways that aren't, essentially, creating more work for myself. I am aware of these things, and have mostly made my peace with them. It's still annoying as fuck.
    
    
  • I am going to need games to play in after I move. Hopefully it will be way less stressful when I'm not modding them. (...I do plan to mod another game... at some point. In the future. Just not for a while. Like, a year, maybe.)
    
    Current plans are:
    
    • Georgia Mason and Olivia Dunham at beyondtherift (I was enabled by... many people :|)
      
    • Logan Echolls at capeandcowl
      
    • Harry Dresden at lastvoyages (Jae made me)
      
    • May Daye at singularity_rpg
      
      ...yep. Clearly I miss when my inbox was massive and terrifying.
  
  
  
• The house is ours. The closing was this morning, the keys are in my bag, and we own a house. ...well, technically thatrainbow's parents own it (and are paying for all our utilities and landscaping and crap too), but this is actually preferable to us owning it in my mind (at least for the time being). It means we don't have to pay the taxes.
  
  We can't move in until next weekend, because our car would not make it to the house without dying, so we need to wait until the parental people get here to get us a new car. The front yard still needs to be fenced for Ace. The carpets need to be pulled up, and we need to paint a little (just the trim on the inside - the outside is fine). We won't have internet there until a week from tomorrow anyway. But I want to move in now, damn it.