we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
Ugh, I keep passing out stupid early every night and sleeping forever. No one let me take a nap tonight. Just... don't. Yell at me to get coffee instead.

On the bright side, I finished a short ficlet last night! It's the first time I've actually written in this universe, so I'm not... entirely sure what I'm doing, but I had some [community profile] rainbowfic novelty beads that kind of demanded it, so. Wild Girls! Posted here if you're in [community profile] rainbowfic and here if you're not (that comm is locked because I don't like posting original fic publicly, but I will immediately accept any join requests from anyone I actually recognize).

I don't have to be in my office for another couple hours, but I think today I will be editing some wiki pages annnd writing another WG ficlet. Hopefully not getting lost in wolf vidoes on YouTube again, but I can't promise anything. This month has been a complete mess, but I am slowly bouncing back.
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
God, yesterday was exhausting. I came to visit family in Kansas, and... my family is huge. Just freaking huge, and now that everyone in my generation is starting to get married, it's just multiplying. Not all of them live close or came to visit, but enough of them... and absolutely none of them wanted to ask about my life or do much more than vaguely acknowledge my presence, because I am the weird disabled mentally ill lesbian and no one wants to be reminded of that.

...so yeah. I had to retreat to the guest room I'm staying in and sit in the dark for a few hours, took two anxiety pills that should have knocked me out if I weren't so wound up, and I'm still vaguely exhausted from it all and attempting to deal with it through excessive amounts of coffee.

Other than the lingering tiredness, though, today is much better. I only have to deal with my grandparents and my dad, who are just as introverted and disinclined to unnecessary conversation as I am, so we're all just existing in the same room not bothering each other and it is great.

And there's snow! Well, sleet, but as long as I don't have to leave the house, it's close enough. It's cold weather and frozen water falling from the sky, all of which I have missed, and will continue to appreciate unless it ends up delaying my flight out of here on Monday. We'll see.
Jul. 7th, 2012 10:52 am

So.

mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Oh. Sure did... forget to post for a month and a half. Um. I'm not dead. And I will just update in bulletpoints, because it's easier that way.

  • Visited my family in Cape Cod. Discovered I do not like Cape Cod. Or lobster. And I am kind of allergic to unacknowledged wealth and privilege and (in a more literal sense, thanks to my meds) excessive sunlight. But I didn't kill myself or my family, and did not have a freakout at any point, so I consider the trip a victory!
  • Had to change meds because my insurance is made of crap. The antidepressant I was on was doing double duty for depression and chronic pain - the replacement antidepressant I got seems to be working fine, but the pain meds are A) not working as well and B) causing epic brainfog. Hopefully the brainfog will wear off and we can up the pain meds until they work, but blargh. I liked the drugs I had before, and I want them back.
  • Finally gave in and made a tumblr: [tumblr.com profile] taibhsearachd. It is primarily MCU/Marvel 616 graphics and pictures of animals, with a smattering of things related to writing, and sometimes non-Marvel fandoms.
  • Speaking of which, I may have developed a problem. As in a slight addiction. I HAVE ACQUIRED ALL THE COMICS AND AM WORKING MY WAY THROUGH THEM AND OH MY GOD SO MANY FEELINGS. Especially about Natasha Romanov and Rikki Barnes (...separately and in conjunction).
  • I have a new computer, bought with (...several months early) birthday money. It is a desktop, her name is Antonia, and she is beautiful.
  • Olivia continues to be an adorable terror. After a brief, terrifying period of growing like bamboo, I think she's finally slowed down. She's not done growing, but I no longer fear she's going to outgrow Ace by that much. We think she's probably part collie or corgi. It's all in the face, and the giant, giant ears.
  • I has a [personal profile] whatawaytoburn for the month. It's pretty awesome. They are good at making coffee and giving backrubs and reminding me to eat. And being wonderful. :D
mortalcity: Slanting light in a misty gray forest. (OaS | DMA: Kilgate)
This post is half a reminder to myself, so feel free to ignore it, but.

The coffee shop I'm at has a picture on the wall. It's kind of horrifying in an awesome way, and if I could steal it and put it in my office, I would.

In this picture, this weird black dog-cat-weasel-animal appears to be riding and/or killing a deer... possibly with the help of some bees...? And there's snow and a starry sky and a sliver of moon and...

The point is, I am stealing this horrifying critter for one of my universes. Because of reasons. (Those reasons can all be summed up as "I like things that make people go 'OH GOD WHY?'" :|)
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
And then I fell off the face of the world again. Sorry, guys, I had another episode of sleeping almost constantly for a week, and then weird issues with vertigo and nausea and brain zaps that I'm pretty sure are related to my meds.

I'm feeling mostly better now. Sleeping normally, waking up at a reasonable time, actually getting things done. I've had the house to myself for a few days, which is nice, I get a Jae tonight, Mat comes back tomorrow, and I woke up to snow this morning! It's actually still snowing, slowly but steadily. So the world is forgiven for that week or so of unconsciousness.

Now that I am capable of staying awake long enough to put one together, here is my late holiday wishlist, if anyone is interested.

STEP ONE
☆ Make a post to your LJ/DW. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related to medium to really big. The important thing is to make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
☆ If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) can get in touch with you. Your home address is not required!
☆ Make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ/DW so that the holiday joy will spread.

STEP TWO
☆ Surf around your friends list to see who has posted their list. And now, here's the important part...
☆ If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true.
☆ You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf - to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not - it's your call. There are no guarantees with this project, and no strings attached. Just... wish, and it might come true. Give and you might receive. You'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

Yes, this is late. In my defense... did I mention the unconsciousness? )

Email me for my address at taibhsearachd@gmail.com. If you want to send a secret gift, you can get my address from [personal profile] thatrainbow at beka@bekacavanaugh.com.
mortalcity: A woman's wrist with a compass rose tattoo. (stock | keep following the heartlines)
Okay, so... I'm finally admitting I've been sick for the past week or so. I really didn't want to admit it, because while Mat's been coughing up his lungs, I haven't had any symptoms beyond excessive tiredness, but...

I'm almost positive I've spent more hours unconscious than conscious this week. And even having slept all that time, I am constantly tired, every part of my body aches, I can't focus on anything, and I'm so frustrated by the whole thing I'm liable to burst into tears at the slightest provocation. If that's not a sign something's wrong, I don't know what is. So fine, body. You win. I'm sick after all.

And as a result of this stupid mysterious illness, I have not written... like... at all. For this entire week. Which puts me far enough behind on NaNo that I think I just need to give up on the idea of 50k by the end of the month, because at this point it's stressing me out more than it's helping. Still going to try to write every day if I can, but also trying to stop fixating so much on the word count (which is not easy for me in the first place, never mind during November, but I'll do what I can).

...I think right now I need to curl up with coffee in the desperate hope it'll wake me up a tiny bit. And while I'm at it, I will try to convince myself I'm not a total failure at everything.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
So I kept falling in and out of consciousness at random yesterday, and therefore did not write at all. Today has been more productive, but I only woke up at 7PM, so... uh... still have a lot of catching up to do. :\

Bright side, the insomnia/nightmares problem is apparently over for now. A couple of friends on Plurk suggested I put a headvoice out to guard my dreams. I have Mouse from The Dresden Files hanging around in my headspace, and if there's a better guardian of dreams, I can't think of them. I still had weird dreams - zombies and biochemical attacks and a journey into the land of the dead - but they were normal weird for me, and therefore non-traumatic.

Words Today: 1052
Total Words: 6084
Reason for stopping: Once again, I'm not actually stopping. It's just midnight. And therefore not technically "today" anymore.
Animals: Obnoxious. If they're not trying to climb into my lap, they're chasing each other around the house. They have settled down since Mat came home, though, and now he can yell at them instead of me. Hah.
Caffeine intake: One can of Coke and half a cup of coffee. But I haven't been awake that long today, so... yeah.

At the moment, I have a zombie trying to eat my main character's face, both of them trapped in a very small space with no immediate exit. Therefore, I am a happy writer and will hopefully get this chapter done before sunrise. And then keep going. I am catching up, god damn it.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
NaNo count for yesterday and today, because... it was a weird couple days. Insomnia and nightmares and... yeah. However, I'm not sleeping tonight, and am planning to hang out in the word sprints chat the whole time, so hopefully I'll make some progress tonight.

Words Today (& Yesterday): 2355
Total Words: 4211
Reason for stopping: I haven't, technically. It just ticked over to midnight, so I figured I might as well update.
Animals: Hell if I know. They were in a pile of fur on the couch last time I saw, and presumably are still there. All I care about is that they're being quiet.
Caffeine intake: A cup of coffee and one can of Coke so far today. That might be why my head hurts so much...

Abby is dead and my prologue is over. I feel like I'm doing a lot of terribly uninteresting rambling no one will care about, but there is more action in the first few chapters than there was in my last draft, so that's something. And I get to play with a zombie soon. Always something to look forward to.

...yes, I am the literary equivalent of an Irwin. GIVE ME A ZOMBIE AND I AM HAPPY. PERIOD.
mortalcity: A crow in a tree, in front of a cloud-covered moon. (corvids | were they telling me to run?)
[personal profile] thatrainbow and I went to a midnight write-in at the diner for the kickoff last night, and it was awesome. I was more social than I have been in I don't know how long, and despite our table being the chattiest and least productive, we all actually did get stuff done.

Words Today: 1856
Total Words: 1856
Reason for stopping: I was starting to hate myself and everything I was writing. Jae pointed out a break was good for my sanity.
Animals: Ace is curled up on the pillow on the floor by my desk. Michaelcat keeps wandering in and out, occasionally claiming my lap. Simba is probably exactly where he has been on the couch all day long.
Caffeine intake: Uh... six cups of coffee and a Coke. Plus one cup of coffee I didn't actually drink, because I passed out first.

This year's NaNo is going to drive me even more insane than usual. I'm shooting for 80-90k rather than 50k. This is not as crazy as it sounds, because I already have a chunk of it written - I'm just not sure how much, because I haven't yet determined how much of that needs to be rewritten due to plot changes. Yes, I am breaking all the rules and I don't care. I am finishing this book this year, god damn it.

I'm still in the prologue right now. And, uh... I might've had a mild freakout just before I stopped and started butchering stuff to move it around and, y'know, doing exactly what you are not supposed to do in NaNo, with the editing and deleting words and stuff. I came to my senses and... stopped, and will get it sorted out when I have a chance to chill out again.

I've suddenly fallen in love with a character who for years I have only been neutral toward. I still have to kill her soon. Sorry, Abby. I promise I'll give you a short story when I'm done with this book.
mortalcity: Text: "Note the swirling vortex of death." (text | note the swirling vortex of death)
So, today we woke up to an open living room door. Right next to where we're sleeping, since we haven't finished painting the bedroom, so the mattrees is still out in the living room.

It must not have been open long, because Ace hadn't noticed it yet - she was still curled up on the bed with us, rather than frolicking in the street as she would be if she'd had half a chance. But both cats had already escaped, though apparently fairly recently, because when I looked out the door, I saw Michaelcat slinking around the corner.

Simba was located fairly quickly, though after I tossed him back inside, the door swung open again and I had to retrieve him a second time. Michaelcat, however, got lost. We could hear him wailing for help for a while (which he does when he gets lost, though it's usually inside the house), and then he just... stopped.

Mat found him in the backyard, where Michaelcat crouched down and waited for his mommy to save him, so. All animals are inside and safe, and both humans are okay minus a minor heart attack and mild exhaustion on my part. Though Michaelcat keeps wandering around alternately wailing about his trauma and demanding to be let out again.

This is... not the best way to start the morning. Not at all.
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
Wow, my body really hates being asleep at night.

I passed out around eleven, because I'm sick and going to bed at a sane time seemed like a good idea. NOPE. Woke up at 3 AM, completely unable to get back to sleep. Poked around on the internet for an hour or two, tried to go back to sleep... STILL NOT HAPPENING.

And naturally, no one is awake on the internet, and I've run out of things to entertain myself with. And it's overcast, so even watching sunrise isn't really interesting. I guess this is a sign I should work on reoutlining my NaNo or something, huh?

After coffee. Because I'm seriously going to maul something if coffee doesn't happen first.
mortalcity: Text: "Note the swirling vortex of death." (text | note the swirling vortex of death)
You know how when you get food poisoning, after you're better you get this violent aversion to whatever you ate just before?

I'm having that right now, except instead of food poisoning, it's depression. Pretty much anything I had both the energy to cook and the ability to force myself to eat when I was most depressed a couple months ago is just deeply disgusting now.

I can just barely stomach yogurt, when I have no other choice. I've got a thing of honey roasted peanuts in my bag, which should be good to snack on when I can't manage actual food, but I can't even bring myself to dig them out, never mind actually eat any. Beka got me some coffee ice cream the other day, which should be awesome, but I haven't even touched it because just looking at it turns my stomach. And I hated Hot Pockets at the best of times - now just the smell of them makes me nauseous and inexplicably angry.

I've even been weird and skittish about coffee. (Stuff from coffee shops is fine, the stuff from the coffee maker at home is the problem.) Luckily, I stopped being able to taste it when the depression got really bad, and just stopped drinking it for a while, so it doesn't have as strong a cognitive link, but I'm still strangely wary about both making and drinking it.

So I've been pretty much living on peanut butter on toast for the past week or so, but now even that's grossing me out, because a week of anything is bound to make me sick of it (this is the reason anyone offering me pizza runs a serious risk of having something thrown at their face). So basically, we're down to nothing in this house that I can stomach, and that alone is throwing me into a weird depressive funk.

I'm just going to curl up under a blanket and nest in haaaaaaet.
mortalcity: Olivia, alone on a pier. (Fringe | no more dreaming like a girl)
Two weeks. TWO WEEKS (and change) until we have a house. Which still seems like forever away, but when I actually think about it in terms of weeks, I practically start vibrating with excitement.

Of course, if I think about it too long, I feel like I'm going to start crying or throw up, because I'm still half-convinced something will go wrong, and spend way too long figuring out the logistics of getting our stuff and the animals from here to the new house in a car that overheats at the drop of a hat. [personal profile] thatrainbow's dad is going to come up to help us acquire a new one, but we don't actually know when that is, and it may not be before we close on the house.

Also worrying about the carpets all over the house. Which is stupid, because it's not a big deal, but I desperately want that carpet pulled up, and on the other hand... do not want any delay moving in.

I just need the Earth to rotate a little faster, okay? Time is moving too damn slowly. I need it to be Friday so I can have food (and hopefully coffee) again, and then I need it to be the fifteenth so I can settle back into my life again.
mortalcity: A crow in a tree, in front of a cloud-covered moon. (corvids | were they telling me to run?)
I'm still alive.

Inspection on the house happened, and did not come up with any problems, so we should have a house in twenty days or so.

However, we are dead broke - even with [personal profile] thatrainbow's paycheck this week - so... y'know, eating this week is going to be fun. By which I mean I probably... mostly... won't.

I miiiight be able to get a job at Caroline's work for at least a little while, except hah, it requires a physical and shot records - I could almost definitely get a physical at the free clinic, but I do not have my shot records, and there's no way I can afford a blood test or whatever to confirm I've actually had the required shots. So that probably won't happen after all.

I want to be happy about the house working out. But mostly I'm just feeling stupid and useless and... Having no control over anything in my life, for better or worse, is just really demoralizing. I'm so tired and stressed (and so undercaffeinated oh god), and twenty days just seems like forever when it's standing between me and any sort of privacy (and my coffeemaker).