we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: A painted rock. It has a face with its tongue sticking out. It knows things. (OtGW | that's a rock fact)
Urgh. I had to take some anxiety meds before I went to bed last night - double the tiny amount I usually take because I wasn't calming the fuck down fast enough - and I woke up with the worst headache, because I can never drink enough water to compensate for the meds dehydrating me. This on top of the mundane but annoying hallucinations before I fell asleep (it... went kind of like this), really vivid nightmares, and sleeping through my alarm.

On the bright side, I actually finished a thing last night! By... bribing myself with a nap if I wrote words fast enough, and boy it worked. I'll take it, I guess. So... cleaning that up and posting it to [community profile] rainbowfic, while I try to figure out what I'm working on next.

I should probably finish any one of the half-finished things sitting on my Google Drive, but... ugghhh...
Jan. 17th, 2016 05:17 am

Brain WHY.

mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
I have been having a lot of weird fucking anxiety dreams lately.

Cut because other people's dreams are boring )

...so I'm not sleeping tonight. It is not a direct result of this nonsense, but not totally unrelated either.
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
I had a dream I was home. I don't know where it was - not a real place, or at least not one I consciously remember. It was a little like the house in Freeville, but my brain knows that house is gone and I'm not getting it back, so it was somewhere else.

But it was a house, and it was mine, and it was quiet and safe, surrounded by trees and set back from the road. Nothing much happened in the dream. I woke up just before dawn, went outside in the blue-gray mist, watched and got cold while it started to snow heavily. I was so happy to see snow again.

And then I woke up for real and I'm in fucking Florida again and I'm pretty sure I will never really escape this place. The house we're in now is fine, but it's not ours and we don't know how long it's going to be until they tell us we have to leave (because we always do) and it's still freaking Florida.

I hate it here. I want to go home.
mortalcity: A bloodstained note reading "Come now, Alice. It's only a dream." (BW | tangled and tied in the lies)
I have this horrible restless feeling tonight. I need to write something - anything, all the things - but I'm also so terrified of writing right now that I can't even bring myself to open a notebook or a document. I feel like something's trying to claw its way out of my chest but I just can't let it out and I don't know why.

A few days ago, I had one of my recurring dreams (or actually a couple recurring dreams mashed together) - the creepy house with the yellow room in the attic, and a touch of the hotel that's also a labyrinth. It's not worth explaining, they're just parts of my normal dream landscape that never bode well; there are monsters in those places I don't know and can't fight.

But this time there was an aspect to the house that was never there before: a room on the ground floor, close to the front door (and the entrance to the labyrinth :\), warm and bright even though it didn't have any windows. And the monsters were coming and there was nowhere to run, but I knew I'd be safe anyway if I covered the walls of that room in words, and I did, and I was.

That's how I feel now, just like in that dream, except I don't know the words that will save me, and I'm too paralyzed with irrational terror to even start looking. I just don't know what to do.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
So I kept falling in and out of consciousness at random yesterday, and therefore did not write at all. Today has been more productive, but I only woke up at 7PM, so... uh... still have a lot of catching up to do. :\

Bright side, the insomnia/nightmares problem is apparently over for now. A couple of friends on Plurk suggested I put a headvoice out to guard my dreams. I have Mouse from The Dresden Files hanging around in my headspace, and if there's a better guardian of dreams, I can't think of them. I still had weird dreams - zombies and biochemical attacks and a journey into the land of the dead - but they were normal weird for me, and therefore non-traumatic.

Words Today: 1052
Total Words: 6084
Reason for stopping: Once again, I'm not actually stopping. It's just midnight. And therefore not technically "today" anymore.
Animals: Obnoxious. If they're not trying to climb into my lap, they're chasing each other around the house. They have settled down since Mat came home, though, and now he can yell at them instead of me. Hah.
Caffeine intake: One can of Coke and half a cup of coffee. But I haven't been awake that long today, so... yeah.

At the moment, I have a zombie trying to eat my main character's face, both of them trapped in a very small space with no immediate exit. Therefore, I am a happy writer and will hopefully get this chapter done before sunrise. And then keep going. I am catching up, god damn it.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
NaNo count for yesterday and today, because... it was a weird couple days. Insomnia and nightmares and... yeah. However, I'm not sleeping tonight, and am planning to hang out in the word sprints chat the whole time, so hopefully I'll make some progress tonight.

Words Today (& Yesterday): 2355
Total Words: 4211
Reason for stopping: I haven't, technically. It just ticked over to midnight, so I figured I might as well update.
Animals: Hell if I know. They were in a pile of fur on the couch last time I saw, and presumably are still there. All I care about is that they're being quiet.
Caffeine intake: A cup of coffee and one can of Coke so far today. That might be why my head hurts so much...

Abby is dead and my prologue is over. I feel like I'm doing a lot of terribly uninteresting rambling no one will care about, but there is more action in the first few chapters than there was in my last draft, so that's something. And I get to play with a zombie soon. Always something to look forward to.

...yes, I am the literary equivalent of an Irwin. GIVE ME A ZOMBIE AND I AM HAPPY. PERIOD.
mortalcity: Girl with tattooed wings on her back (angels | hide those wings away)
I spent most of yesterday staring blankly at my computer or the ceiling and getting nothing done. Yeah, that'd be the increased meds.

I feel a little more clear-headed today. It still requires a lot of actual effort to focus, but at least it's possible. However, on the flipside, I feel like crap physically: really bad vertigo, nausea, general weakness... I'm not sure if that's the fault of the meds or my usual issues plus (greater than usual) anemia, but it's deeply unpleasant either way.

I had weird dreams last night (or this afternoon, whatever) Cut for self-injury, mostly in a dream context... )

Really, the past few days have been a long, slow spiral into that weird, numb sort of depression. I feel useless and inadequate, I'm not good enough or smart enough for my friends or the things I want to do, and I'm just... tired of everyone, including me, pretending that's not the case. God, I am so tired.
mortalcity: Apocalyptic city skyline. Text: "Oh, there was an apocalypse? We thought it was just Thursday." (text | we thought it was just Thursday)
Mrrrph. Yesterday was awful (we took Ace to the dog park, the car refused to start when we tried to leave, and the car is still there - this is after we took it to the mechanic on Friday). Today is just... hard. And I have only been awake for four hours.

I had weird dreams. Something involving Harry Dresden and Jim Butcher (in the same dream, at the same time - pretty sure Harry did not punch Butcher, though no one would blame him), and some kind of supernatural thingy trying to kill us (naturally), and at least two dreams within a dream. Weird. So that was disorienting, and we overslept and Beka dragged me out of bed to go to the clinic, and I spent around an hour not entirely sure I was really awake this time.

I have antidepressants for the next two months. Yaaaay.

The doctor has no idea what's going on with my heart, just what's not going on - I don't have a heart murmur, it's not my thyroid, and it's not a neurological problem. My blood pressure is on the low end of normal, though. I didn't think of it at the time, but I should've had them check what it does when I'm standing up vs. sitting down, because I am pretty sure it drops like a rock. Not sure that knowledge would help anything, but.

I am still dizzy as fuck over an hour after getting home. This is a problem, because I kind of need to feed my animals, but I also have no great desire to pass out today, so... the animals will have to wait a little while longer. Sorry, kids.
mortalcity: Olivia looking stunned and angry, with Walter and Peter behind her. (Fringe | catching bullets in our backs)
I keep having these awful moving-related anxiety dreams where my brain feels the need to destroy everything I love. Am I going to be checking all day to make sure my dog is still breathing? Why yes, I think so. (Also, there was a sideplot about needing to dissect a cat or something, but it was okay because it was a zombie and IDEK. Not important, except in that wow, you would really think my brain has something against cats and I swear I don't.)

Two basically spur of the moment cross-country roadtrips on no more notice than this did not freak me out the way this is freaking me out. And yes, the house of awesomeness exists and there is a not-slim chance it will be ours, but even if everything works out perfectly on that front... it won't be by the end of the month. And I have no idea where I'm going to be living ten days from now.

Excuse me while I... hyperventilate. A little.