out in daylight, my potential

Hrrrm. Idk if I'm going to manage Camp NaNo this round after all. My sleep schedule's been fucked up and that has ruined every schedule that exists (because I have OCD, and the exact times matter and if I can't do things at that exact time nothing is getting done), so... not a lot of writing got done this month.

I was on schedule for, like, one glorious week, though, and in that time managed to get down an outline for this book. I need to tweak it and expand on it, but it is definitely story-shaped and not terrible! It's actually starting to look like it's going to be really fun to write, when I get there. So maybe the Camp NaNo after this one...


Only tangentially related to writing, but I came to a realization this week that kind of... broke through some of the learned helplessness about my life. And suddenly I have a plan for shit and, like, some hope that things will get better than they are, and it is strange but a really nice change.

I really need to Hamilton the shit out of a thing at some point today, and I am stalling on starting because I don't totally know what I'm doing and I'm very concerned I'm going to fuck it up... buuut I'll get over that once I've had a little more coffee. Despite the schedule fuckery, I am feeling a lot more on top of my shit than I have in a long long time.

Could not sleep or write because for some reason my brain would not stop screaming.

Finally talked myself into taking an anxiety pill, because I realized I had locked myself in my office for no reason (no one else is awake right now) and the internal screaming seemed likely to turn external before long.

...aaand of course, even though I only took a tiny fraction of a pill, the second it actually hits me, it's like this bank of fog just rolled into my brain. So I'm calmer, but also not writing under these circumstances.

I'm going the hell back to bed. To nap, or at least lay in the dark and read Animorphs. Whichever my brain will tolerate. Mrrph.

I'm writing when I get up, though. Anxiety doesn't get to win this time.

Brain is finally settling down somewhat. I can think more clearly, and anxiety is down to... more or less manageable levels. Executive function is still an issue, and I'm struggling with writing and RP because of it, but I'm hoping that will sort itself out soon?

I am somewhat annoyed at myself because I had planned to do NaNo this year and I really thought I'd be prepared for it come November? But I just lost over a month of work time, and I realized something about my worldbuilding that is... helpful, but also going to require a lot more fucking work to sort out. So I don't know.

I might try to wrestle one of my other projects into something novel-shaped before the end of the month so I will have something to do with myself, but I'm not sure. Having plans disrupted upsets me and I am not very good at recovering quickly afterward. Which is basically the story of this entire terrible year.

Slooooowly getting ready for my trip to see jaeholderman later this week. I missed New York and I missed autumn and I missed my girlfriend and I get to have all of them for a week. /vibrates excitedly

Well that was a fun RP-related panic attack last night. Let's never do that again.

Like. It wasn't about RP - it wasn't about anything, at least initially. I just kind of ended up in a situation where my character was suddenly flipping out about things, and the actual physical/emotional component of the roleplaying sort of tricked my body into actually flipping out because I was breathing fast and my heart rate was elevated and everyone was looking at me all concerned so obviously there was something to be anxious about. And since it was tabletop and not an online game, I couldn't just... walk away between tags to cool off, and it took me a little while to realize it wasn't just the character anymore, I was actually having a panic attack.

I ended up going to lie down partway through, and taking an anxiety pill that knocked me out for the rest of the night, and I feel better now, but ugh. That was unpleasant.

(I would like to state for the record that it really was not the GM's fault for not warning me. I mean, if something similar happens in the future and I don't get a strong warning not to do the thing, I will be angry, but if you'd asked me beforehand, I probably wouldn't have seen a problem coming either. Now we all know better.)

I actually got some decent sleep last night. I did wake up from the same nightmare five times, at least. There were bodies in my trashcans outside (I do not recall if I was responsible for the bodies or not), and my overwhelming emotion was not "holy shit a dead person" but "here's another goddamn thing I have to deal with". That's about where I am right now.

Slowly packing up notebooks, because that at least I have the resources and ability to do (and if anyone else touches these I will hurt them). The problem with this is that OCD requires I go through every single one, remove anything I don't need anymore, and carefully organize them in my bags according to purpose.

I am super annoyed at the number of different notebooks I have for a single projects. The others have mostly contained themselves to one notebook each, but fucking On a Saturday... I mean, I can see how it happened because it's been years and I'd start new notebooks as things changed or I misplaced one only to find it later but... uggghh.

Hopefully soon I will have all this info updated and contained on the wiki so I can throw these notebooks out or repurpose them. They are taking up too much space and most of them aren't even useful anymore.

Soon I will have a desk and an office. Soon I will be able to work on all my things in my space organized how I like it. Soon I'll have my desktop back so I can play video games to wind down. Soon everything will be okay.

So today took an unexpectedly shitty turn in the form of a dude showing up at our door and handing us a piece of paper that says we have until the end of next month to move.

For reference, we are not actually renting this house. We're working with an organization run by a guy who is friends with actuallyclintbarton's parents, and they are renting the house and letting us stay in it while they help us with disability and therapy and figuring out how to support ourselves when we can't actually work most jobs because, again, disability. So we had no idea what was going on with this, and the only explanation the guy at the door gave was "I don't know, the grass is a little long... Anyway, we decided to go a different direction."

So we flipped out and called the people who actually handle our housing, and they said they'd sort it out. Apparently what happened is that the guy who owns the house went to the leader of the organization for counseling (they're a quasi-Christian org, but they don't push the religious stuff on us, so it's cool), did not like what he was told in this counseling, and flipped out and decided to punish him by... harassing all of the people living in the houses the organization is renting. Which... what a fucking tool, who does that?

(We later realized that he didn't give us an eviction notice, or a termination of the lease, it was specifically for non-renewal of lease. Which... the landlord bought the house in October, we moved in in November. Unless the organization is doing a month-to-month lease, which makes no sense at all, it hasn't even been six months, and it seems more likely they'd have gone with a year. We're pretty sure the landlord's full of shit, but not positive.)

But in the meantime, we've moved four times in the last year, I'm honestly a little traumatized over it and did not want to move again at least until 2016, even if it's just across town, and we have no control over what happens now. I hope the people who are actually in charge of our housing will work it out with this douche. I'm reasonably certain that if they don't, they'll find somewhere for us to live. But even so, I'm stressed out and terrified beyond belief and I have been on the edge of tears all night because I do not want to move again. Not until I can fucking leave Florida and go to somewhere not quite as awful. This is so mean and petty and awful I don't understand why a person would do that unless they're a literal sociopath, and I have been through too much fucking shit this last year and change. Not. Fucking. Again.

1) I am either depressed or sick. Probably both. Neither is awful, but both are contributing to me spending a lot of time in bed, most of it unconscious, and not getting much at all done. I'm just going to preemptively take the rest of the week off until Sunday, and maybe spare myself a little self-hatred and frustration. Hopefully by then I will feel better.

2) Ariel's ears are already looking better. I think. Probably. It's hard to tell, because he's still fucking stuck in the closet and I feel bad but there's not a lot I can do. At the very least, he seems to be feeling better.

3) The dogs have fleas. Two of the cats also have fleas (the other two having just received flea meds). We had flea meds to cover this, but they were thrown out in the move along with a shit ton of our other stuff. So now we have to go yell at the people responsible to give us money for new flea meds, and make sure that whenever they give in, they don't attempt to buy us anything that's going to kill our pets. I am so thrilled about all of this.

4) I'm hungry and I have no energy for doing dishes or cooking right now. Someone come feed me. :c

I come back to the internet and my journal layout is broken for some reason. I've had this layout for years and nothing has ever broken it. I do not understand. (Other journals with custom layouts are being slightly weird too, but in different, less obnoxious ways.)

But I've been meaning to maybe change it anyway, and that'll be easier than digging into the CSS to see if I can fix whatever's going on, so whatever, Dreamwidth. Whatever.

So anyway, I exist in a house (well, trailer, whatever). It has air conditioning, and it (mostly) doesn't leak when it rains (and that can be easily fixed), and I have an office to myself. It is great.

Slightly less great things include:

• I can't really unpack because I have no bookshelves or drawers or anywhere to put my assorted crap. I miss not living out of boxes...
  
• Still have not heard back from literally any clinic we have called. Still am not medicated. Still very unhappy about this.
  
• We have very little money, and caring about food is hard when I don't get enough variation in my diet. It's also hard when I'm not medicated. I resent the fact that food is necessary to live.
  
• I am so tired all the time I am beginning to wonder if I'm being secretly sedated, or have been cursed by an evil fairy or something.
  
• Our neighbors refuse to feed, vaccinate or fix "their" starving cats (including near-feral kittens), but will come to scream at us and literally call the police when we do something about it. Though I haven't seen the cats outside since the cops came over (the second time), so maybe they are actually taking care of them now that they've been threatened with Animal Control? I hope???

I keep getting really frustrated at myself, all "GOD WHY AM I SO ANGRY AND SAD ALL THE TIME THE PAST FEW DAYS? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CRYING FOR NO REASON? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

It's because you are unmedicated. Dumbass. Please keep reminding of this fact if you catch me doing the thing.

I am still alive. I am also stressed as hell, though all the shit that keeps happening has led me to a place of so much "I don't give a fuck" that I'm not flipping out about it.

The power steering in the car up and died, and we could not afford to fix it - this has mostly been worked out? Maybe-probably? People are awesome, except for Matthew's father, the actual owner of the car, who is a childish ass. Hopefully the garage will be able to fix it quickly, because we really need to find a place to live before this one gets taken away.

I am running out of meds and need to make an appointment with my new doctor, but A) I am not sure where I put that information and B) I don't want to do that until I'm sure I'll be able to get there. Ugh. At least if I do run out, the withdrawal on this isn't as awful as the last thing I was on.

I am flailing around looking for things to write. On a Saturday is in flames and will not be rebuilt until we have a more stable situation (which is fine, I got a pep talk from an awesome person about it and I am not freaking over it anymore), and until then... I don't know. I have four other verses in various stages of being built, but nothing I can actually get a story out of yet. This is really frustrating.

On a Saturday is going to be really cool when it gets put back together, though. Very different and probably hard but really really cool.