we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: Text: "There is no 'isolated self-destruction' in the word 'team'." (text | no isolated self-destruction)
Maybe some day I will stop giving basically every protagonist ever some variety of crippling anxiety. ...but it's definitely not going to happen on this story.

Plus, you know, I don't think I have a single friend who's not mentally ill in one way or another, so whatever. So what if all my characters reflect that? Like with queer characters, at a certain point I just... yeah, straight people exist in the world. So do neurotypical people. And someone else can go write stories about them, because I don't care.

(This post brought to you by a lot of second-guessing myself, because wow, Birdie, that is the third main character in a row with anxiety maybe reel it in a little there. BUT NOPE I REFUSE.)
mortalcity: A painted rock. It has a face with its tongue sticking out. It knows things. (OtGW | that's a rock fact)
Urgh. I had to take some anxiety meds before I went to bed last night - double the tiny amount I usually take because I wasn't calming the fuck down fast enough - and I woke up with the worst headache, because I can never drink enough water to compensate for the meds dehydrating me. This on top of the mundane but annoying hallucinations before I fell asleep (it... went kind of like this), really vivid nightmares, and sleeping through my alarm.

On the bright side, I actually finished a thing last night! By... bribing myself with a nap if I wrote words fast enough, and boy it worked. I'll take it, I guess. So... cleaning that up and posting it to [community profile] rainbowfic, while I try to figure out what I'm working on next.

I should probably finish any one of the half-finished things sitting on my Google Drive, but... ugghhh...
mortalcity: A flock of corvids against a pale sky (corvids | the devil counted to seven)
The last month, in summary: generally crap. Got derailed from writing for a while because of breakup drama, struggled with RP things because of reasons. Basically, February can go to hell.

Except for the Hamilton bootleg. That part was not so terrible.

Word Count: 12327 (with RP); 2755 (without RP). ....like I said, not great.
Stories Written: This one WG ficlet is all I finished; a couple of other things slowly getting added to that I will finish eventually.
Reading: A lot of Animorphs, currently paused at #25 while I wait for [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton to catch up with me; The Sleeping Beauty by Mercedes Lackey, because I like to read silly fluffy fantasy when I am sad.




This month: writing again! Actually finishing some goddamn fics. Figuring out what the hell I am doing with my larger projects. Burying myself in work in an attempt to distract myself from overwhelming anxiety about my living situation, once again.

Month goals, for accountability reasons )
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
Ugh, I keep passing out stupid early every night and sleeping forever. No one let me take a nap tonight. Just... don't. Yell at me to get coffee instead.

On the bright side, I finished a short ficlet last night! It's the first time I've actually written in this universe, so I'm not... entirely sure what I'm doing, but I had some [community profile] rainbowfic novelty beads that kind of demanded it, so. Wild Girls! Posted here if you're in [community profile] rainbowfic and here if you're not (that comm is locked because I don't like posting original fic publicly, but I will immediately accept any join requests from anyone I actually recognize).

I don't have to be in my office for another couple hours, but I think today I will be editing some wiki pages annnd writing another WG ficlet. Hopefully not getting lost in wolf vidoes on YouTube again, but I can't promise anything. This month has been a complete mess, but I am slowly bouncing back.
mortalcity: (Hamilton | looking for a mind at work)
On a completely different note. Posting writing goals for the month, because [profile] thebonesofferalletters did it and it seemed like a good idea.

  • [community profile] rainbowfic Stuff
    • Write 2500 words for the comm Not quite, but close enough to count
    • Actually finish two or three fics (minimum...) I finished... one
    • Finish prism (+ prism saturation because I'm a masochist)

  • Wiki Stuff
    • Put together the egregore page
    • Add a few more DMA character pages

  • RP Stuff


...I feel like there's something important I'm forgetting here, but whatever. I'll come back and edit it in if I think of it.
mortalcity: Two people sitting on a hill, looking at a darkening sky with stars. (stock | with your face all full of stars)
I spent basically all day today syncing stuff off my old dying desktop, setting up my shiny brand new computer (a winter gift from [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, which I really don't deserve but is amazing and deeply appreciated), and setting up my bullet journal for the next month and the new year. That last one took... way longer than expected, but I feel a lot more like I got my shit together now.

New computer is named Eliza, and will hopefully be as reliable and long-lived as her namesake. She is perfect and I love her.

I signed up for [community profile] getyourwordsout again for the next year, this time for the next level up. My word count this year came out to 137,056 (give or take anything I write in the next... hour or so) - short of the modest pledge level I just signed up for, but nearly double the pledge level I was doing this year. A lot of those words are things that only sort of count for various reasons, but fuck it, they went in the spreadsheet anyway. Hopefully next year I can step up my game and I will have more actual stories to speak of, but this year I figured out that maybe I actually haven't forgotten how to write after all, so that's good too, I guess.

...hopefully they post the new word tracker spreadsheet very soon, because I am going to lose my mind pretty quickly if I don't have a place to tally up my words come midnight.

Fireworks are already going off and have been for hours. Olivia Natalia is having a slow, mostly quiet neurotic meltdown over them. I am trying very hard not to join her because the passage of time is scary and stressful and I feel like I am not prepared for it. 2015 tried to kill me. So did 2014, for that matter. 2016 has to be better, somehow.
mortalcity: Meredith, Izzie, George and Doc the boppy lying under a Christmas tree. (GA | lights will guide you home)
Belated happy winter holiday to those of you who have one. If you can call any of what is happening right now winter? Winter in Florida was never really anything of the sort, but this is so much worse than it used to be ten years ago. Global warming is just the worst.

KM is at their parents' farm for Christmas (probably primarily because they got dinner and presents and Star Wars out of the bargain, which I can't blame them for). I have decided I'm lonely and pretty much done with them being gone, but they refused to drive back down until tomorrow. Rude.

Meanwhile, for two days I've been acting like spoons aren't a thing because I was feeling pretty okay, and I am pretty sure I am just about to crash hard into the wall of "yes you really are disabled you fucking idiot". But I have dishes to do and so much laundry to put away still and I still have to feed myself and the animals until KM gets home tomorrow and ughhhh....

At least writing has been happening. Slowly and never as much as I want, but I am remembering how to put words together in a mostly coherent fashion, and that is reassuring. Sometimes I genuinely think I have forgotten. Finished a fic I've been working on since November, wrote some not-quite-drabbles with characters I missed (I would like to try and get in the habit of daily drabbles), about to tackle some worldbuilding I've been trying to sort out for a while. Yay, me.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
I was just trying to write a cute backstory fic for Kilgate, and I accidentally threw in some fucking terrible foreshadowing. I kind of hate myself for this oh my god. I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT NO THIS IS AWFUL. MISTAKES WERE MADE.

...on the bright side, I finally finished this stupid story that's eaten my last two months. A couple thousand words isn't much for the time it took me to write, but I finished something and I'm so relieved because I was starting to think I wasn't capable of it anymore. [community profile] rainbowfic people, please be nice to me when I post this because I have been struggling and could use some reassurance I'm still... not totally incompetent at this.

I guess I have to pick something else to work on now. Maybe a few drabbles, if I can actually force myself to write something under a thousand words...
mortalcity: Riley Fisher with a flashlight. (OaS | DMA: Riley)
I should be writing right now, but Riley has descended into incoherent screaming and I can't get her to stop. Which would be fine, except she's narrating this thing. So I kind of need her to use her words.

This scene is almost over Riley please just work with me and then you can flip out all you want.

I'm not doing NaNo, by the way. I'm just writing. I'll get back here with an actual life update later today (after [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton drags me out of my office) or tomorrow. I promise I'm still alive.
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
So a while ago I started putting on perfume when I am sitting down to write, to help my brain settle down into "doing stuff" mode. I've been bouncing between pumpkiny scents, because that's a pretty common element in my collection and I'm not stuck using one scent it's impossible to replace when I run out. All the pumpkin means it is time to work.

And it really does help. When I actually remember to put it on.

Struggled all day with focus and words. Finally remembered perfume exists and has a purpose. Put it on and had a few easy paragraphs in front of me in fairly short order. Gold star for me.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Brain is finally settling down somewhat. I can think more clearly, and anxiety is down to... more or less manageable levels. Executive function is still an issue, and I'm struggling with writing and RP because of it, but I'm hoping that will sort itself out soon?

I am somewhat annoyed at myself because I had planned to do NaNo this year and I really thought I'd be prepared for it come November? But I just lost over a month of work time, and I realized something about my worldbuilding that is... helpful, but also going to require a lot more fucking work to sort out. So I don't know.

I might try to wrestle one of my other projects into something novel-shaped before the end of the month so I will have something to do with myself, but I'm not sure. Having plans disrupted upsets me and I am not very good at recovering quickly afterward. Which is basically the story of this entire terrible year.

Slooooowly getting ready for my trip to see [personal profile] jaeholderman later this week. I missed New York and I missed autumn and I missed my girlfriend and I get to have all of them for a week. /vibrates excitedly
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
I'm so annoyed with my brain right now. I've been struggling with a plot for this book for literal months, and then today I woke up, staggered into my office, and my brain immediately went "well obviously it needs to be about X so Y thing makes sense to have in the book".

And I am just... DON'T GIVE ME THAT "WELL OBVIOUSLY" BULLSHIT. IF IT WAS OBVIOUS I WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT MONTHS AGO.

...I mean, I am glad to know what I'm doing now, and if my brain would like to drop any epiphanies about other projects on me, I won't complain, but I do feel a little cheated. At least let me pretend I put in some effort...

*

Iiin other news, I have been volunteering Wednesdays at a recovery center for women with substance abuse problems.

It may or may not lead anywhere re: actual job (which... I will need to be medicated before that is even a possibility), and I am literally too efficient for them to know what to do with (they give me a job that they think should take an hour, I'm done in ten minutes, and then I have to wait around and read or something while they figure out what else to do with me), but. It is nice to get out of the house, it's really nice to not have to work with or around any men, and I haven't had a panic attack or cried in front of anyone yet. Be proud of me.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
I still exist. Been swinging back and forth between "pretty okay and productive" and "TOTALLY NOT OKAY AT ALL SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING" and... yeah. Brain chemistry is still doing things it shouldn't, but it could be worse.

At least now I am reassured that I really do have depression and haven't somehow been faking it for half my life. Because that was a thing I worried about for a while. Because obviously going three or four months without a hard crash means it was never real at all? /shrug

Today, I am slowly sinking into a hatespiral because the power went out just as I sat down to work. It's back now, after a couple hours, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated anyway, and I have been working on wiki pages and prewriting for weeks now and I'm getting really really sick of it and I just want to write my actual story again. So now it's super late, I still have to do my words for the day, but I have to do it while snarling at the screen and my brain and everything in the world.

My house is still not unpacked. I want to put together the bookshelves and unpack all the books and get my office set up better (though... I will still need a desk that is not a piece of crap for that), but I'm still kind of terrified something is going to make us move again. I will probably still be terrified of that for a long time, after last fucking year. I really just need someone to come over to my house and do it for me, because I'm a little concerned if it's up to me it'll never get done.

Good things happening, so this is not all sadness:
- A couple friends randomly gave me story ideas out of the blue. One of them was a jerk and gave me vampires, which I did not ask for and am not sure I want, but kind of want to poke at anyway. Because I hate myself, apparently. If anyone was wondering, I will always accept story ideas if you have one you're sure you won't write yourself. They are the best gift.
- I am in a shiny plotty RP, because a friend mods it and is a terrible enabler. I have no idea what I'm doing there yet, but I am having fun with it. And also some of my castmates are making me art just because, and it's amazing. So that's pretty cool.
- cut for photo )
Toby is still adorable and Best of Cats. This is very important.
mortalcity: Sign reading: "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!" (zombies | CAUTION!)
So I may have taken the extended weekend off because Daredevil happened and let's be honest, nothing was getting done until I finished it anyway. And it was worth it. It's so good, and I am so looking forward to the rest of the Netflix Defenders series.

Buuut now I have to get back to work and I have no focus or motivation. How do words work? What am I even working on? I don't even know anymore.

I should probably see if I can start putting something together for Queers Destroy Fantasy. Can't be Fairies Stole My Girlfriend, because that's going to turn out too long, so... what is something else with a plot? That is actually a short story? There has to be something around here that will work.

...my brain will probably work better once I eat something, but finding food is haaard.
mortalcity: Mosaic of a winged person, from La Martorana in Palermo. (angels | the call of ancient wars)
Someone with some knowledge of angelic mythology needs to design me a bunch of characters (who are not actually angels, but close). Just, like, physically. Because I'm going to need a lot of them at some point, and I can do it, but I don't want to right now. /whines

...this is not an actual request, but this is the fourth character in a week who has made me do this and I am just. Headdesking. ALL MY RESOURCES ARE IN BOXES YOU FUCKERS WHY NOW. I have to locate my angel books and/or notes and go through them again, but that's a whole process that involves putting together bookshelves and unpacking and once again, I don't wanna.

What if I just never have this character drop her illusions in this fic because I'm lazy? What if that?
mortalcity: Georgia Mason's press ID. (Newsflesh | rise up while you can)
Went out yesterday to see an old friend who is back in town, along with [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, [profile] thebonesofferalletters, and [personal profile] balsamandash. Lots of fun, and weirdly like being 16 again, but totally exhausting - I came home, meant to take a nap for two or three hours maximum, and ended up sleeping forever. (I woke up for a couple hours around 4 AM, and went back to bed before 7, because nope. My body was not ready for consciousness.)

So, since I didn't get to write much yesterday, I holed up in my office today to try to make up for it. I may have spent some time lying on the floor whining about how writing is hard while Toby sat on my chest and purred, but I'm at over 800 words for the day, so it turned out well. Actually having an office again, even if it's not perfect yet, is definitely helping.

I am even ahead of schedule for [community profile] getyourwordsout! Not a huge amount, but by a comfortable margin.

A CHART! Shut up I love charts. )

Been listening to my playlists for Kilgate things while writing, and I am remembering again why I love this series. I need to figure out what I'm doing for those first two books so I can outline and actually start writing again. I am ready to go home to Kilgate now.
mortalcity: Emily Prentiss, grinning over her shoulder. (CM | be wicked and lovely)
So my reading page is already much more active and interesting thanks to [profile] thebonesofferalletters! Thank you, and welcome to all my new friends. I will put up a proper profile or an intro post or something soon, I swear.

That said, I may not be around much for the next week or so, because I have to send my stupid netbook in for service, and using the desktop is still tricky what with the lack of a stable surface to put it on. It's dying fast enough already, I don't intend to help it along by tipping it onto the floor. (Hopefully that particular problem will be fixed soon? But I don't know for sure.) I will still exist on my phone, but I don't like typing on it so will probably be quiet.

I have an appointment tomorrow to get started applying for Medicaid, which I am so excited about. I might actually be able to get my meds again soon, and be able to get back to functional. Or functional for me, anyway. I'll take that.

Writing continues and is going well! It's been mostly worldbuilding lately, as I had to backtrack and work some things out before I feel comfortable continuing with the story, but this counts too and I am enjoying it.

I've been overshooting my (admittedly small) word target every day I've written so far, and am quickly catching up to where I should be for GYWO. I need to figure out how to continue that pattern while my laptop is away. I'll have to find something I can write longhand without getting frustrated and sad.

Does anyone want to give me drabble prompts? Or 5 times/things prompts? Random AUs? For any of my OCs (you don't have to know any of them, I'll pull a name out of a hat if you don't specify) or... Marvel (both MCU and 616), Fringe, Newsflesh and Toby Daye. No promises on how much I will actually do, but it will definitely help to have something to screw around with while waiting for my laptop to return to me.
mortalcity: A woman's wrist with a compass rose tattoo. (stock | keep following the heartlines)
So I decided to join [community profile] getyourwordsout at the last minute. I remember attempting it once a few years ago and failing, but they have a 75k pledge for people with chronic illnesses, and though I have a bit of catching up to do, it's not that many words a day and I think I can do it.

Not sure yet if I want to count worldbuilding/character profiles/etc. or just actual story words? I mean, RP counts too if I really wanted it to (I don't), so I wouldn't feel too bad putting that under the umbrella of "words I have produced", but... idk.

SIGN UP BEFORE THE CLOCK STRIKES 12 AND JOIN ME IN POOR LIFE CHOICES AND WRITING CHATS FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. You know. If you wish.

(And all of this will be starting tomorrow, because between a grand total of three hours of sleep and somehow managing to bruise the ball of my foot (FUCKING OW), I am so not up for hardcore productivity tonight. Tonight is vodka and early bed.)
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Uggghhh. We took Ariel to the vet today, because he has been tearing up his ears and moved on to his neck - it looked like it might be getting better for a while, but nope, very much not better, so vet became necessary.

Cut for grossness and money stuff )


In writing news, the Kilgate series is going to be about two books longer than I thought. The book I thought was going to be first is now third, and has to be completely replotted now. Also I have to figure out what I'm doing in those first two books. I am still not quite done throwing a tantrum about this, even though I can already see that the books that come out of it will be better for it.

Still cranky. My life would have been much easier had I figured this out, say, a few years ago. And I am really tired of plotting and worldbuilding and all the foundational stuff. I just want to have one project where I am ready to actually write... but nothing's quite there yet. God damn it.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
I have wasted this entire week trying to acquire blood test results so I can start getting treatment for what may be the entire reason behind all my physical problems. I have failed. For the entire week. Literally all I need is for them to print some shit out, so it shouldn't be so hard, and yet.

I guess just giving me the test results before I left the ER would have been too easy?

At least they're closed today and tomorrow so I get to rest for a couple days before going to bash my head against that wall again on Monday. I swear if they give me any trouble I'm going to cry. Right there in their office.

...so yes things that have happened in the two months since I last posted:
- A few depressive downswings, which is why I haven't posted in two months, I'm sorry, I still live.
- A visit to the ER because we thought I might have had a heart attack (I didn't, but we have no idea what happened other than that it wasn't a panic attack).
- Morrigan is not pregnant, and was just having a false pregnancy. I can't say I am disappointed about this. She is now buddies with the other cats and the biggest troublemaker in the house, who loves to start racing around the house just when we are trying to sleep.
- We rescued and adopted out an eight-week-old kitten who randomly wandered up to our house. She was precious but annoying as hell and I am glad we found her a family so quickly because dear god I don't have the energy for kittens rn.
- None of my pets died on the anniversary of Simba's death, which was a nice surprise for my anxiety. My sister's cat who lived with my grandparents did, but he was like seventeen so this was not surprising.
- I started writing a story that was originally for an anthology but that deadline has passed and idk what I'm going to do with it because it is going to be kind of long for most publishers? But I'm in love with it, so still working on it between meltdowns. Not this week. This week is just Too Much.

I will now attempt to catch up on my reading list until I get frustrated and give up. Please inform me of anything important that has happened in your lives that I may have missed.