we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: Barbara Gordon, typing on a laptop with the Oracle logo. (DC | we rise once more)
Hello, everyone. I exist again. 2016 was hell for several different reasons, I couldn't write, and at a certain point talking about my life just made me sad so I drifted away from Dreamwidth. But it's a new year, I have insurance again and presumably medication soon, and I am trying to be a semi-functional adult again.

Quick intro for everyone I just added from the friending meme:

My name is Aubrey, or Birdie, whichever you prefer. I'm 28, lesbian, poly, mentally ill and physically disabled. I live in Florida (not my first or tenth or probably twentieth choice of places to live, but here I am) with my partner, [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, and our other partner [personal profile] storyinmypocket will be moving in with us later this month!

Animals we live with include: Ace, a shepherd/pitbull mix, who is made of wrinkles and cuddles; Princess Olivia Natalia, a strange deerlike changeling child of no particular breed; the twins, Quentin and Toby, one of which is the light of my life and my daemon and has never done anything wrong ever in her life, and the other is her brother and an adorable little shit; and Ariel, who is vast and orange and not very bright. I love them all very much, even when they're terrible.

I like comics and fantasy and folklore and ancient history and tabletop rp, and I write novels and original fic. I'm going to try to talk more about all of those things, as well as lifestuff and more animal pictures, when I am actually medicated. Very soon.

Everyone who is new here, welcome to whatever this is! Everyone who's been here for a while, welcome baaack? Hi. I missed you.
mortalcity: Barbara Gordon, typing on a laptop with the Oracle logo. (DC | we rise once more)
Still alive, struggling my way back to productivity, not much to say otherwise. Have some cat pictures instead.

Cut for large-ish photos )
Mar. 18th, 2015 03:13 pm


mortalcity: Sonic screwdriver. Text: "It was a nice day... and then the Doctor was dumb." (DW | and then the Doctor was dumb)
Uggghhhh. I woke up to find one of the cats (probably Toby) had chewed right through my headphones. I really liked that pair, and they were a gift from a friend. :c

This is not an issue when I have an office with a door that closes, because I lock the cats out of it when I leave and all the things they will destroy stay inside. But I have lost so many headphones since we've been here. So. Fucking. Many.

Also tried to pull my office chair out yesterday so I could use one of our tiny folding tables as a desk-like surface... and it promptly screwed up my back so bad breathing almost made me cry. Tried it again briefly today and yep. Not working. I really appreciate the thought process that led to buying the person with chronic pain a chair with a back that isn't contoured and isn't adjustable. That was a brilliant move. I'd honestly be better off in a well-padded folding chair at this point.

...today is not a total wash, though, because KM got some late Christmas money and is paying me back for using mine on household items. We are getting food and going to Barnes & Noble and I will figure out the rest of my day after that.
mortalcity: Clint Barton carrying Kate Bishop, as she fires an arrow over his shoulder (Marvel | constant state of crisis)
Uggghhh the dog needs to go to the vet. Not even two weeks after Ariel's thing, but Ace has a recurring problem I really don't want to keep putting off. It looks painful or at least uncomfortable, and it suddenly got worse, so vet.

I mean, we're lucky enough that we technically have the money to take her, we just need to get it, so it could be worse... but we were planning to use that money to help replace my quickly dying desktop, and ugh. Ugh. Excellent timing, animals. Every one of you is grounded.

And meanwhile, Morrigan has been tearing up her neck every time she has a chance to lick or claw at it - probably due to allergies or anxiety, since she's had no chance to pick up anything from Ariel and if she did have anything contagious, there's no way she wouldn't have passed it to Quentin and Toby. We have her in a makeshift kitty turtleneck and an inflatable donut around her neck (like a cone, but less awkward) so she can't hurt herself while she heals and we try to figure out what's going on.

Switching her to a grain-free food to see if anything improves - I think that's all the vet would be able to tell us to do anyway, if we took her. I hope it's just allergies, because the food's expensive, but it could be worse, and there's fuck all we can do about anxiety other than rehome her. Talking a no-kill shelter into taking on that kind of problem is not my idea of fun.

At least GYWO is going well for me so far. Still behind schedule because I started late, but I am catching up fast and having fun with it, so that's nice. I might actually finally finish my first draft of this story in the next month.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Uggghhh. We took Ariel to the vet today, because he has been tearing up his ears and moved on to his neck - it looked like it might be getting better for a while, but nope, very much not better, so vet became necessary.

Cut for grossness and money stuff )

In writing news, the Kilgate series is going to be about two books longer than I thought. The book I thought was going to be first is now third, and has to be completely replotted now. Also I have to figure out what I'm doing in those first two books. I am still not quite done throwing a tantrum about this, even though I can already see that the books that come out of it will be better for it.

Still cranky. My life would have been much easier had I figured this out, say, a few years ago. And I am really tired of plotting and worldbuilding and all the foundational stuff. I just want to have one project where I am ready to actually write... but nothing's quite there yet. God damn it.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
I have wasted this entire week trying to acquire blood test results so I can start getting treatment for what may be the entire reason behind all my physical problems. I have failed. For the entire week. Literally all I need is for them to print some shit out, so it shouldn't be so hard, and yet.

I guess just giving me the test results before I left the ER would have been too easy?

At least they're closed today and tomorrow so I get to rest for a couple days before going to bash my head against that wall again on Monday. I swear if they give me any trouble I'm going to cry. Right there in their office.

...so yes things that have happened in the two months since I last posted:
- A few depressive downswings, which is why I haven't posted in two months, I'm sorry, I still live.
- A visit to the ER because we thought I might have had a heart attack (I didn't, but we have no idea what happened other than that it wasn't a panic attack).
- Morrigan is not pregnant, and was just having a false pregnancy. I can't say I am disappointed about this. She is now buddies with the other cats and the biggest troublemaker in the house, who loves to start racing around the house just when we are trying to sleep.
- We rescued and adopted out an eight-week-old kitten who randomly wandered up to our house. She was precious but annoying as hell and I am glad we found her a family so quickly because dear god I don't have the energy for kittens rn.
- None of my pets died on the anniversary of Simba's death, which was a nice surprise for my anxiety. My sister's cat who lived with my grandparents did, but he was like seventeen so this was not surprising.
- I started writing a story that was originally for an anthology but that deadline has passed and idk what I'm going to do with it because it is going to be kind of long for most publishers? But I'm in love with it, so still working on it between meltdowns. Not this week. This week is just Too Much.

I will now attempt to catch up on my reading list until I get frustrated and give up. Please inform me of anything important that has happened in your lives that I may have missed.
mortalcity: Eleven, River and Amy on the Byzantium. With a comfy chair. (DW | we've got comfy chairs)
So I have a new cat. This was unplanned, but it is not that much more expensive to feed one more cat, and she needed us. We are not 100% for sure keeping her yet - it's kind of waiting on her FIV/FeLV tests, because we can't afford to infect our other cats - but if that comes back clear... yeah, she's almost definitely staying with us.

Her name is Morrigan, and she is a lilac tortoiseshell Siamese mix... a little darker than the weird green lighting in that photo shows. We're pretty sure she's May's sister - she's probably the same age, has the same Siamese facial features and giant ears, and genetics that are frankly very unlikely to find in a random stray (half the cats on the property look like they're some variety of Siamese mix, so we figure someone must have dumped one or several at some point in the past). She also has the same demanding, imperious Siamese personality, so at this point there's very little doubt.

She showed up a couple days after the incident with May and her kittens and the police, obviously pregnant and way, way too skinny. She wouldn't come any closer than sniffing my fingers that day, but I fed her some and kept an eye out for her, and she came back the next day.

That time she let me pet her, so I picked her up by the scruff of the neck and brought her inside... where she promptly flipped out, sliced open Mat's hand and flung herself at a window that does not open in an attempt to escape. She calmed down pretty quickly, and warmed up very fast, so we think she just must not have had much human attention or been inside in a very long time, though she's friendly enough that at some point she must have been owned by someone. Our current theory is that someone had her and May and at least one possible sibling as kittens and dumped them when they moved away. It seems to be a common problem here.

So yes. One new cat. Who knows how many kittens very soon, which I am both looking forward to and dreading. Vet appointment at the low cost clinic on Wednesday, which I can only pray we'll be able to actually afford (we should be able to, it's just tight enough to be worrying). Morrigan is very sweet and very demanding and is going to rule the house as soon as we allow her out into it, and I cannot wait. Maybe she will stop grabbing my hand for love while I am working then. (She probably won't.)
mortalcity: (Default)
I am at [personal profile] sharpeningthebones' house, alive and safe. I was somewhat uncertain this would happen for a while, because we basically ended up driving for 24+ hours with only a couple breaks for food. Many sections of this trip were probably unsafe, but I managed to avoid killing us or the suicidal armadillo lumbering toward my car. The blanketnest in the back came in very handy, but now it feels weird sleeping in a bed when nothing's moving.

Leaving Ace in Dallas was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life. (Leaving Jaqui sucked too, but I have not had Jaqui with me basically every day since she fit in one of my hands. Obviously.) Still randomly bursting into tears about it, but we are getting her back in a couple months. I just feel awful that she doesn't know why we've abandoned her, and why she's not allowed inside now, and... yeah. Jaqui says she's been howling, but she'll... hopefully quiet down as she gets used to it...

Olivia misses her too. She hasn't been crying, which is what I expected, she's just gotten really quiet, and looking for Ace, and worrying we are abandoning her too every time we step out of sight. This is heartbreaking, and is also making me cry. Damn it, puppy.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
I went to collapse on the bed in a fit of "I cannot write and therefore am a worthless human being". Ace came to lick my face (or try, because I didn't let her), and then laid down on the bed next to me so I could rest my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat. When I tried to get up, she moved so her head was on my shoulder, pinning me down more effectively than I thought possible, and kept me there until I had calmed the fuck down and felt more or less better.

Good dog. Best friend.

...In other news, I'm still alive. My beta blockers continue to work - I walked almost two miles earlier this week without a cane (and while wrestling the dog to keep her out of the road) and I didn't die! Antidepressants are still... iffy - I had a pretty bad downswing a few weeks ago, which is part of why I haven't updated for so long. Medicaid actually came through, and I haven't been to see a doctor (or get new glasses) yet, but hopefully soon.

[personal profile] thatrainbow and I took the dog to the dog park a couple days ago. Ace spent the entire time racing around and trying (awkwardly) to make friends with the other dogs, and almost fell asleep on my lap on the car ride home. We're thinking about getting either a pair of kittens or a puppy, depending on whether or not Michaelcat stops being a little shithead after he's been neutered and how soon Mat's father comes through on his promise to get our front yard fenced. Either way, I'm excited and would like my small furry creature now now now.

...yep. My life is exciting.
mortalcity: A wolf peeking around autumn leaves. (wolves | truth so deep within the wood)
I am back from Darkover, and did not die.

The entire trip was wonderful, including the trip down and back - despite accidentally blowing past our exit by, like, an hour on the way down, which led to being on the road for hours longer than we meant to. I think we gave the Garmin a nervous breakdown a couple times.

And rolling down all the windows, blasting "Star-Spangled Man" and singing along at the top of our lungs? BEST. THING. EVER. Seriously, you should try it some time.

The actual con was fantastic too. The panels I went to were fun and interesting (and occasionally rage-inducing - there was one where Jae and I sat clutching at each other's legs and hands and trying not to snarl at one particular panelist), I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and hang with the awesome people I already knew, and we all managed to not kill each other.

A lovely woman saw me walking with a cane and just gave me this beautiful hand-made cane someone had given her that wasn't quite working for her. I love this cane. It's like it was made for me, and I've been fondling and cuddling it all weekend.

And there was a woman at the con with a Caucasian ovtcharka that was a mobility service dog for her balance issues (which from her brief description sound a lot like mine) and you guys. That is my dream dog, including the service dog part, and talking to her made me think I might actually be able to make that work for me some day. Of course, first I'd have to be able to afford to feed a dog that big, never mind figure out where to acquire one, but some day.

...anyway, yeah. Con was awesome. Downside is that now I am totally worn the fuck out, and have no emotional energy or patience for humans or the world in general, and have been getting snarly at the simple fact that other humans exist where I can hear them how dare they. Including Mat. Which makes me feel like an awful person, but is not making the reaction go away.

Hermiting for a week is not unlikely. Which is just as well, because I feel like writing all the things now. I figured out something about the first angel book on the drive down, and some of the panels made some things click about a universe I just recently started poking at, but I need so much more research on that, and I need to go back to (re)writing the first DMA book and oh god how do I even...