we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: (Hamilton | looking for a mind at work)
Hrrrm. Idk if I'm going to manage Camp NaNo this round after all. My sleep schedule's been fucked up and that has ruined every schedule that exists (because I have OCD, and the exact times matter and if I can't do things at that exact time nothing is getting done), so... not a lot of writing got done this month.

I was on schedule for, like, one glorious week, though, and in that time managed to get down an outline for this book. I need to tweak it and expand on it, but it is definitely story-shaped and not terrible! It's actually starting to look like it's going to be really fun to write, when I get there. So maybe the Camp NaNo after this one...


Only tangentially related to writing, but I came to a realization this week that kind of... broke through some of the learned helplessness about my life. And suddenly I have a plan for shit and, like, some hope that things will get better than they are, and it is strange but a really nice change.

I really need to Hamilton the shit out of a thing at some point today, and I am stalling on starting because I don't totally know what I'm doing and I'm very concerned I'm going to fuck it up... buuut I'll get over that once I've had a little more coffee. Despite the schedule fuckery, I am feeling a lot more on top of my shit than I have in a long long time.
mortalcity: Two people sitting on a hill, looking at a darkening sky with stars. (stock | with your face all full of stars)
I spent basically all day today syncing stuff off my old dying desktop, setting up my shiny brand new computer (a winter gift from [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, which I really don't deserve but is amazing and deeply appreciated), and setting up my bullet journal for the next month and the new year. That last one took... way longer than expected, but I feel a lot more like I got my shit together now.

New computer is named Eliza, and will hopefully be as reliable and long-lived as her namesake. She is perfect and I love her.

I signed up for [community profile] getyourwordsout again for the next year, this time for the next level up. My word count this year came out to 137,056 (give or take anything I write in the next... hour or so) - short of the modest pledge level I just signed up for, but nearly double the pledge level I was doing this year. A lot of those words are things that only sort of count for various reasons, but fuck it, they went in the spreadsheet anyway. Hopefully next year I can step up my game and I will have more actual stories to speak of, but this year I figured out that maybe I actually haven't forgotten how to write after all, so that's good too, I guess.

...hopefully they post the new word tracker spreadsheet very soon, because I am going to lose my mind pretty quickly if I don't have a place to tally up my words come midnight.

Fireworks are already going off and have been for hours. Olivia Natalia is having a slow, mostly quiet neurotic meltdown over them. I am trying very hard not to join her because the passage of time is scary and stressful and I feel like I am not prepared for it. 2015 tried to kill me. So did 2014, for that matter. 2016 has to be better, somehow.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Brain is finally settling down somewhat. I can think more clearly, and anxiety is down to... more or less manageable levels. Executive function is still an issue, and I'm struggling with writing and RP because of it, but I'm hoping that will sort itself out soon?

I am somewhat annoyed at myself because I had planned to do NaNo this year and I really thought I'd be prepared for it come November? But I just lost over a month of work time, and I realized something about my worldbuilding that is... helpful, but also going to require a lot more fucking work to sort out. So I don't know.

I might try to wrestle one of my other projects into something novel-shaped before the end of the month so I will have something to do with myself, but I'm not sure. Having plans disrupted upsets me and I am not very good at recovering quickly afterward. Which is basically the story of this entire terrible year.

Slooooowly getting ready for my trip to see [personal profile] jaeholderman later this week. I missed New York and I missed autumn and I missed my girlfriend and I get to have all of them for a week. /vibrates excitedly
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
I'm so annoyed with my brain right now. I've been struggling with a plot for this book for literal months, and then today I woke up, staggered into my office, and my brain immediately went "well obviously it needs to be about X so Y thing makes sense to have in the book".

And I am just... DON'T GIVE ME THAT "WELL OBVIOUSLY" BULLSHIT. IF IT WAS OBVIOUS I WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT MONTHS AGO.

...I mean, I am glad to know what I'm doing now, and if my brain would like to drop any epiphanies about other projects on me, I won't complain, but I do feel a little cheated. At least let me pretend I put in some effort...

*

Iiin other news, I have been volunteering Wednesdays at a recovery center for women with substance abuse problems.

It may or may not lead anywhere re: actual job (which... I will need to be medicated before that is even a possibility), and I am literally too efficient for them to know what to do with (they give me a job that they think should take an hour, I'm done in ten minutes, and then I have to wait around and read or something while they figure out what else to do with me), but. It is nice to get out of the house, it's really nice to not have to work with or around any men, and I haven't had a panic attack or cried in front of anyone yet. Be proud of me.
mortalcity: A blonde girl with a rabbit tattoo on her shoulder. (WG | a rabbit hearted girl)
Oh hey I still exist. It is a new year and this one needs to be better than the last, because another like that will kill me.

We are in a house instead of a trailer now, which is excellent, except that we are still lacking important furniture like bookshelves, neither the office or the bedroom door closes, and we are still waiting on someone to come to put curtains or blinds in the windows. My anxiety makes me feel like someone is always outside watching me at night, so that last part? Not fun.

Cut for drama and people being assholes, because not everyone wants to read that nonsense )

I am working on worldbuilding for On a Saturday (which is still being restructured, though I'm more sure of what I'm doing now) and Fairies Stole My Girlfriend, because apparently I can't write a single short story without an entire elaborate universe built up around it. (Mostly I just need to know what kind of fairy this minor character is, and a few background details about the setting my main character won't even know about in this story, but because I have to do everything from the ground up, I have to get other things in place before I can decide that. Siiiigh.)

...eventually this universe will have a slightly less ridiculous title, though I'm probably stuck with it on the wiki for the rest of time. I'm okay with that.
Jul. 20th, 2014 04:52 am

I live!

mortalcity: A woman's wrist with a compass rose tattoo. (stock | keep following the heartlines)
I come back to the internet and my journal layout is broken for some reason. I've had this layout for years and nothing has ever broken it. I do not understand. (Other journals with custom layouts are being slightly weird too, but in different, less obnoxious ways.)

But I've been meaning to maybe change it anyway, and that'll be easier than digging into the CSS to see if I can fix whatever's going on, so whatever, Dreamwidth. Whatever.

So anyway, I exist in a house (well, trailer, whatever). It has air conditioning, and it (mostly) doesn't leak when it rains (and that can be easily fixed), and I have an office to myself. It is great.

Slightly less great things include:
  • I can't really unpack because I have no bookshelves or drawers or anywhere to put my assorted crap. I miss not living out of boxes...
  • Still have not heard back from literally any clinic we have called. Still am not medicated. Still very unhappy about this.
  • We have very little money, and caring about food is hard when I don't get enough variation in my diet. It's also hard when I'm not medicated. I resent the fact that food is necessary to live.
  • I am so tired all the time I am beginning to wonder if I'm being secretly sedated, or have been cursed by an evil fairy or something.
  • Our neighbors refuse to feed, vaccinate or fix "their" starving cats (including near-feral kittens), but will come to scream at us and literally call the police when we do something about it. Though I haven't seen the cats outside since the cops came over (the second time), so maybe they are actually taking care of them now that they've been threatened with Animal Control? I hope???
mortalcity: Girl lying on the sidewalk, with wings drawn in chalk underneath her. (angels | this is to New York City angels)
The magical beta-blocker-enabled revelations continue! ...mainly in that I am rediscovering the joy in everything ever, and also remarkably chill about everything else.

Today I did all my tags, and then took an hour's break to read fic, and then spent three hours writing. I was gloriously productive, and did not freak out or hate myself when I realized I'd gotten distracted and forgot to squeeze in another hour of writing before midnight. So awesome.

I haven't even freaked out about having to go to counseling tomorrow. Yet. That's still making me anxious and twitchy if I think about it for too long, but I'm not letting myself do that. In all other areas, I am so calm I almost don't recognize myself, and I like it this way.

Writing rambling )

RP rambling that is more about me than my games )

FIC RECS! Newsflesh and Fringe )
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
The universe finally remembered it's winter! Yesterday was heavy snow from sunrise to sunset, and it's been snowing on and off today as well, and all is right in the world again.

I am also alarmingly cheerful about everything, if you hadn't already gathered that much. This is probably a result of the heart meds continuing to work, and every single day I notice something new that feels like a goddamn miracle. I actually have an appetite again, and don't have to be reminded to eat more than once a day. I don't hurt as much in random places for no good reason. I'm so much less tired than I'm used to - I've been waking up on my own, after eight hours, and happily rolling right out of bed, and I'm not groggy and exhausted all day long.

I can do anything I want - go grocery shopping, do the dishes, put together some drawers, bake cookies, take the dog out, or even some magical combination of all these things - and not have to weigh how much I want to do it against how much I want to not feel like crap for the rest of the day. Yesterday I went out in the world and was on my feet almost the entire time, and though I got a little dizzy toward the end, I was fine again after sitting down for a little while.

Best of all, I feel like I can think more clearly now. That thick fog I've been fighting through every time I try to do anything creative is lifting, I think, and it's been there so long I forgot what it's like without it. Even out of practice as I am, writing is fun again, not something that brings me to tears.

Everything is just so easy now, and I'm both ecstatic and terrified something's going to take it away from me. I like feeling like this. I like feeling like a person again, and I want to stay this way.

Iiiin other news, I got a box fulla awesome from [personal profile] magistrate, including, among other things, a stuffed Yersinia Pestis, a book of Russian mythology, and a camera! Best addition to an awesome day. Thank you, magi! ♥

...and I have no idea how to close this post, so have a picture of my adorable boppy I took to test the camera. )