If we built an armor for our tender bodies, would we love each other, would we stop to feel...?

[mortalcity]

Wheeee, I am done being a grown-up until I have to go back to the clinic on Monday. Thank fuck. I am so tired and I just need to... not have to deal with people for a while.

Today I went to a meeting to apply for Medicaid, so I might have insurance soon. And, though the doctor from earlier this week may have been total fail in other respects, the beta blockers he put me on are made of magic and miracles. I can stand up and walk around and stay on my feet for extended periods of time and not feel like I am about to pass out and not have my heart freak out at me. I feel better physically than I think I have in years now and I cannot express how happy I am about this.

In other news, I am not totally failing at inkingitout so far. In fact, I am about a thousand words ahead of schedule - which, okay, is totally because I set myself a ridiculously low goal for a year, but never mind that. Writing is happening!

I am trying to ignore the part of my brain insisting that it is not the right writing because it's not the novel. I decided I'd give myself January to just screw around and get back in the habit of writing anything at all, which I am doing and enjoying (with origfic_bingo!), but aslkdjf I SHOULD BE WORKING ON SOMETHING PUBLISHABLE AND 500+ WORDS A DAY IS NOT ENOUGH AND GOD I'M SO LAZY AND-

...yeah, nothing I do will ever be enough for me. I'm aware of that. Knowing this is insane does not stop me from thinking it.

Comments

[wakingsavior]

Look at it this way (and don't mind the journal):

You're writing more every day than you were two months ago. Hell, even a month ago. It's like the jogging program I'm doing. I USED to be able to run almost a straight mile, when I played soccer and ran a lot. And then shit happened and I got out of shape and now I struggle to jog 1 minute/walk 1.5 minute for 20 minutes.

Shit happened since you used to write a fuckload every day. So you have to work back up to it, even if you don't feel like it's actually all that impressive. Once you can manage this without stressing yourself crazy, you can up the goal to, say, 750. And then 900. And so forth until you hit a nice stride that gets a good amount of words out without making you want to die. And some days you'll have strained your metaphorical writing muscles and might have to take the day off or take it easy. And some days you'll feel so amazing you'll write FOREVER. Some days I won't be able to run. Some days, once I get more in shape, I'll probably just run and run until I can't run anymore, just for the feeling of it. It's the same principle, even if they're two very different activities.

And I know you know all this, but I'm repeating it, and comparing it to the running I'm doing, because this way you have someone not you telling it to you, and maybe if you can see it from a slightly different angle your brain will shut up for a few minutes at least.

Let's do this shit. >:D

[kikibug13]

ORIGFIC BINGO IS LOVE, OKAY?

But, you know, keeping the JOY of writing up is important, especially in the winter months.

[mortalcity]

IT IS. I am having a lot of fun with it so far, and it's with stuff I have been meaning to write forever - just, y'know, for background stuff that will likely not end up in an actual novel.

It's just that the part of my brain that wants me to hate myself does not think this is sufficient. :\ IF I AM NOT FINISHING A NOVEL A MONTH, I AM A FAILURE AT LIFE. Or... something...

[kikibug13]

I have a friend who actually DID use the bingo prompts to flesh out chapters in her book. THAT said, world building is important. As is character building. When you have the stories, they can be referenced in the actual novel with a sentence or even an eyebrow twitch, and even if you NEVER TELL THE NOVEL READERS what is behind that thing, they/we will know there is something there, and that something is real, as real as anything that the novel contains.

*deep breath* Which is to say, to the 'not writing a novel in a month' brain? NINJA, PLEASE!