So long to no disasters, and mornings too...

[mortalcity]

Man, I hate holidays. I always end up resenting everyone else in the world, and though I managed to avoid that on Thanksgiving by being kidnapped, the world seems to be making up for that by Christmas being so much worse.

I've felt like crying all day, and I can't even coherently explain why. I desperately want and violently do not want about a dozen things right now, some of those things being people, food, and sleep.

I want to be left the fuck alone and I want my own damn space and I want to curl up on people and cry myself to sleep. I want to sleep all day, and I don't want to go anywhere near bed because that is giving up. I can't even bring myself to find the energy to get up and get half the things I want, or feed the dog, or whatever, because I'm sure as soon as I stand up I'm going to get dizzy and need to sit and that just makes everything so much worse because depression is fucking hard enough when it's not impossible to walk across the room without getting dangerously lightheaded.

I want to kill myself. I'm not actually planning on it, I just can't stop thinking... this is never going to get better. Not just the depression, but everything. I am never going to be strong enough for well enough to take care of myself. I am never going to get out of here. I am never going to be stable enough to do or be the things I want to. And if that's the case, what is the fucking point of fighting it, other than being a burden to the people I love? It would be so much easier to just... stop. I want to stop.

Comments

[lionessvalenti]

I have nothing to offer here except hugs and that I love you. *hugs*

[tyriangalley]

Oh honey. Again, not much to offer but hugs and love and I would kidnap you if you weren't all the way in NY. ♥

[yetregressing]

/curls on

I wish there was a way I could make this better, or something I could say. I know there isn't but that doesn't stop me from wishing there was, because I know you're a strong and amazing person, even when your brain/body/whatever is telling you you aren't. And I know there's no way for me to phrase it that is going to make anything click, and that's so frustrating for me because you deserve to know and you deserve to understand how much you matter to those that love you.

And I know I don't have any idea how hard fighting is for you. I know I don't, can't even grasp, but. You're my family. And I love you. If there's anything I can ever do to make life easier for you, even just a tiny bit easier, please please please tell me and I'll do everything in my power to make it happen. That's not being a burden. I was built to do stuff like that, so in fact it's just utilizing me, giving me purpose. I love you. And. That's all I've got.

[shank]

You will get better. You might not think it now, or feel it's possible, but you will. And I know exactly what you mean about holidays, and. Just.

All my hearts for you, Aubrey. 8(((((( All of them. And I'd offer you to call any time - which you actually can with Skype. If you wanted to. /SNUGGLES