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I was going to lock this - mostly out of habit - but screw that. I switched journals so I could feel safe posting publicly again, and if my parents can find this to read it... I'm screwed already, and I'll probably know about it very soon.
My dad emailed me today. And as there was no weird passive aggressiveness this time, and as that really is my preferred method of communication with him, I probably should respond.
At the same time... there's a reason I'm avoiding my parents at the moment. It's because no matter what I say or do, they won't accept that I'm not okay. And then they make it worse. In their world, I quit school rather than being forced to be hospitalized and take a medical leave I didn't want with requirements for my return I couldn't possibly meet, and I haven't finished and sold any books yet because I am lazy and unmotivated, and I can't possibly be really sick or depressed, I am just an overdramatic hypochondriac who apparently enjoys wasting my life.
He asks how I am and I just don't know how to answer. Telling him the truth has never worked out well for me in the past, and I can't begin to understand why. I've been trying, especially this past few weeks, and I can't understand how a parent - both of them, actually - could look at me in this hole I can't climb out of, and not offer me a hand.
( I am processing. Depression and self-harm and suicidal ideation and shit behind the cut. )
I haven't tried to talk to them about my mental health since. I don't like to talk to anyone about it anymore, out of this fear they're going to do something horrible to me and then pretend nothing was ever wrong, and I can't believe I am making this post at all, to be honest. I will probably regret it before very long.
But I still don't know how to respond to that email. I don't trust enough to tell the truth, and I'm too angry for a lie. Am I okay? No. Not even a little bit, and maybe it's not his fault, but he could have offered me a hand years ago and never did.
My dad emailed me today. And as there was no weird passive aggressiveness this time, and as that really is my preferred method of communication with him, I probably should respond.
At the same time... there's a reason I'm avoiding my parents at the moment. It's because no matter what I say or do, they won't accept that I'm not okay. And then they make it worse. In their world, I quit school rather than being forced to be hospitalized and take a medical leave I didn't want with requirements for my return I couldn't possibly meet, and I haven't finished and sold any books yet because I am lazy and unmotivated, and I can't possibly be really sick or depressed, I am just an overdramatic hypochondriac who apparently enjoys wasting my life.
He asks how I am and I just don't know how to answer. Telling him the truth has never worked out well for me in the past, and I can't begin to understand why. I've been trying, especially this past few weeks, and I can't understand how a parent - both of them, actually - could look at me in this hole I can't climb out of, and not offer me a hand.
( I am processing. Depression and self-harm and suicidal ideation and shit behind the cut. )
I haven't tried to talk to them about my mental health since. I don't like to talk to anyone about it anymore, out of this fear they're going to do something horrible to me and then pretend nothing was ever wrong, and I can't believe I am making this post at all, to be honest. I will probably regret it before very long.
But I still don't know how to respond to that email. I don't trust enough to tell the truth, and I'm too angry for a lie. Am I okay? No. Not even a little bit, and maybe it's not his fault, but he could have offered me a hand years ago and never did.