out in daylight, my potential

I am gonna make it through this year...

2019-01-03T16:18:33Z

I seem to be starting off the new year with a cold, which is less than ideal. I slept through most of yesterday, and I am awake but feeling pretty shitty today. I just hope it passes quickly, because I do have shit to do before school starts a little more than a week from now.

The purpose of this post is mostly to share my 2018 in books. ...there's a lot of Young Wizards in there, which I powered through very fast. There are also a couple of weird books that are relevant to my incredibly specific interests and exactly 9 other people.

I also signed up for GYWO, which I have never finished, but maybe I will this year? I did a habit pledge instead of a word pledge, so maybe that'll help, though I do intend to track my words as well. If you haven't signed up and want to, it's open until the 15th of this month.

[img: notebook and pen on wooden desktop with "GYWO 2019"
printed in large white letters with a black shadow. under that,
"writing decathlon" in handwritten white letters with a black shadow.]
GetYourWordsOut: Year Eleven!
Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net

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Do you remember about 70 years ago or so, 70 cycles, I just stopped learning math?

2018-12-17T23:23:57Z

All my grades are in, finally, with four As and a B. That B is in the required freshman orientation class that I could not give less of a shit about, and I scraped by with an A in my worst class (Spanish), so I am counting this semester as a big victory overall.

Now I just have to relearn math and test into college algebra by the next semester. I took a practice test today, and I did have to look a lot of shit up just to remember what the fuck I was doing, but I didn't do... too badly. It's just been ten years since I did any math at all, so there was a lot of "okay, so I'm just going to try some things and see what happens. Do I add something here? Do I multiply? How do long division anyway?"

I worked it out eventually. I might not be as bad at this as I thought I was. I still need to take a few more practice tests to hammer it home before I feel comfortable actually scheduling the test.

( More fussing about school, possibly only interesting to me )

*

We took Trinket to the dog park today, because he finally has all his shots and is safe to meet other dogs now. I think he was kind of overwhelmed by the number of dogs there, and he got bowled over a few times and did not like that at all - at one point he ducked a lab mix only to get slammed by this tiny pudgy French Bulldog not much older than him, and just laid there with his paws in the air looking confused until four people converged on him to reassure him.

But he seems to have enjoyed himself despite all that, and he is very polite with other dogs. Much more so than his terrible sisters are, in fact. He also managed to thoroughly exhaust himself, which is not an easy thing to do.

(There was an actual adult Pyrenees at the park, too. They're... surprisingly common around here, along with Anatolians. It was such a giant fluffy cloud. Trinket will never be that floof, but... maybe that big, and it's kind of terrifying to imagine. ONE DAY. MY VERY OWN GIANT BEAR DOG.)

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That's a rock fact!

2018-12-13T01:17:01Z

Geology test done! Pretty sure I did well enough to tip me over from 89% into an A.

The look on the face of the woman who runs the test center when I walked in and she realized she was going to have to print an entire 90-page powerpoint was... priceless. (And I share her feelings. It is the dumbest possible way to do a test, but at least I didn't have to take it at glacial speed with the rest of the class.) The nice thing about taking it in a private room is that I got to mutter to myself about how dumb some of the questions were while I took it.

Spanish test tomorrow, and I am nervous about it bc it's my worst subject, but literally all I have to do to pass the class is not completely fail. And then my finals will be done and I can actually talk about something other than school for a while. Wish me luck.

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Why this.

2018-12-10T16:36:03Z

Trinket knocked a thing down, scared himself with the noise, and in the space of 2.5 seconds climbed up my chest and onto my shoulder like a cat. And then clung there, koala-like, until I managed to coax him down.

He weighs 50 lbs now. He will probably eventually weigh twice that. I... I kind of have to just resign myself to being crushed to death by this enormous furry idiot, huh?

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mortalcity @ 2018-12-09T18:44:00

2018-12-10T00:51:34Z

Three more exams to take before I am officially done with this semester... and one of those is online, so I just have to stop being lazy and do it before Tuesday night. And while I would ordinarily be at least a little nervous about the Spanish exam, I do have an A in that class (and in all others), so I am taking comfort in the knowledge that I would have to fuck up so bad to not pass this class. Just, like, impossibly bad. So there's that, at least.

I have been absolutely exhausted the past week or so. I think all that energy put into every final essay/assignment finally caught up with me, and I have not been able to do anything but marathon old Criminal Minds and play Minecraft and sleep. I really hope my body gets over it soon, bc I have other things to do over winter break, but I figure a few days of uselessness probably can't hurt.

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I know more than you.

2018-12-05T20:25:16Z

Started a fight about Neanderthals with my professor in the middle of our class' review for the final. It's the last time I will be in her class and I am DONE, she's wrong and I'm going to make sure everyone knows it.

(She knows it and immediately started backpedaling too. Bitch I know what you said and I'll pull up your own PowerPoint to prove it.)

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Her own stolen Trinket

2018-12-04T04:28:57Z

Oh hey I just realized I didn't ever introduce Trinket over here.

( Underneath the cut you will find A Friend and A Boy )

He is a lab/pyrenees mix (I suspect, like, maybe 3/4 of one and a quarter of the other), he is probably at or approaching 5 months old, and with any luck he is going to be my service dog!

At the moment, though, he is just a Naughty Soot Demon with an injured paw who is only just now allowed to be around strange dogs (and therefore in training) bc now he has the most important shots.

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The Halloween princess has arrived

2018-09-03T23:50:48Z

IT'S TIME!!!

( Dog picture under the cut )

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Behold: my children

2018-08-29T03:22:55Z

( As promised, rattes! )

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mortalcity @ 2017-01-31T16:42:00

2017-01-31T21:46:11Z

Somehow in uploading icons, my default got changed to this horribly offended Pearl, and that is so hilariously appropriate to my mood the last week or so that I'm just going to keep it for now.

EDIT: And then I restructured my entire journal layout around it. Because aesthetic.

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mortalcity @ 2017-01-21T02:41:00

2017-01-21T07:43:43Z

I installed an extension that changes pictures of Trump and almost anything related to him to kitten pictures. Which has immediately made my internet life 1000% better. But also… somewhat more confusing.

Long string of adorable kitten pictures, followed by “in other news, Trump also stole Obama’s cake”. Th- Thaaaaanks? Literally not sure if this is real or a Lex Luthor joke.

(I checked. It’s real. And that's terrible.)

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mortalcity @ 2017-01-20T12:18:00

2017-01-20T17:42:49Z

I really need to find something to do today that's not just being sad and repeatedly refreshing tumblr in the hopes it will distract me. It won't. Tumblr cannot save me.

I keep trying to kick myself into poking at writing things but I don't even know where to start right now. Even just messing with my bullet journal doesn't seem worth the energy. Every time I try to put on something for background noise, I get annoyed with it after a minute or two.

What the fuck do I do with myself when it feels like the world is quietly ending? I've got nothing.

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mortalcity @ 2017-01-12T00:15:00

2017-01-12T05:25:59Z

Meds re-acquired, though I won't actually get them until tomorrow.

( Cut for uninteresting medication details )

I also got my new glasses in the mail. Including sunglasses! (Which is great, because Wellbutrin in particular has a tendency to turn me into Georgia Mason. Worth it, but annoying as hell.) They keep sliding down my nose and focusing at any kind of distance is... interesting right now, but they are new and they don't have any scratches on them at all! It's very exciting.

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Rogueing it up

2017-01-08T19:52:37Z

D&D Adventurer's League is tonight, and I keep getting excited because I miss my rogue and haven't played her in like a month... and then I remember. Tonight is only 1-4 tables. She is level 5 now.

My level 2 baby cleric is fun too, and since clerics are super rare in our store for some reason, she's really useful, but... I miss rogueing.

( And now, a story of the best thing that rogue has done to date )

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I wanted to tell you that I'm still breathing

2017-01-08T03:44:47Z

Hello, everyone. I exist again. 2016 was hell for several different reasons, I couldn't write, and at a certain point talking about my life just made me sad so I drifted away from Dreamwidth. But it's a new year, I have insurance again and presumably medication soon, and I am trying to be a semi-functional adult again.

Quick intro for everyone I just added from the friending meme:

My name is Aubrey, or Birdie, whichever you prefer. I'm 28, lesbian, poly, mentally ill and physically disabled. I live in Florida (not my first or tenth or probably twentieth choice of places to live, but here I am) with my partner, actuallyclintbarton, and our other partner storyinmypocket will be moving in with us later this month!

Animals we live with include: Ace, a shepherd/pitbull mix, who is made of wrinkles and cuddles; Princess Olivia Natalia, a strange deerlike changeling child of no particular breed; the twins, Quentin and Toby, one of which is the light of my life and my daemon and has never done anything wrong ever in her life, and the other is her brother and an adorable little shit; and Ariel, who is vast and orange and not very bright. I love them all very much, even when they're terrible.

I like comics and fantasy and folklore and ancient history and tabletop rp, and I write novels and original fic. I'm going to try to talk more about all of those things, as well as lifestuff and more animal pictures, when I am actually medicated. Very soon.

Everyone who is new here, welcome to whatever this is! Everyone who's been here for a while, welcome baaack? Hi. I missed you.

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Moving on...

2016-05-08T23:45:26Z

So April was a mess thanks to a combination of still not being over that shitty thing my best friend did to me, my meds suddenly dropping off in effectiveness, and actually running out of meds for a while before I could see the doctor for a refill. It was not good, but my meds are back at a higher dosage, I'm slowly feeling better, and we will not speak of this April again.

I'm kind of... staring at everything I abandoned for a month, trying to figure out how to get a handle on any of it again. I don't even know what I want to deal with rn. Outlining? Worldbuilding? Screwing around with short ficlets untiL I remember how to put words together? Goal-setting is hard and I don't have energy for it, but I kind of... need to... anyway.

(I do need to find my inner Hamilton again and write another letter by the 20th, but that will only take a day, so I have some time to get around to that. Other than that... ehhhh. I don't know.)

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So that's done...

2016-03-28T14:08:18Z

Finally finished my application for improbable dream job and sent it in. I would have been done with it a week ago, but I was trying to get a hold of some people to acquire contact info and they were... about as useless as I have come to expect. I don't trust people anymore and these specific people are the reason. Gave up on them eventually and found alternate contacts, because fuuuuck relying on fundamentally unreliable people.

But the thing is done and I can stop stressing about it! Absolutely nothing is going to come of it, but I'm glad I got it in anyway.

And now I need to remember how words work, because I have totally failed at writing and RP stuff while dealing with this. But I don't know where to start, and if I'm being honest, all I want to do right now is play Dragon Age. Killing dragons and collecting things and knocking out quests is comforting to my neurotic completionist soul.

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Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain...

2016-03-20T23:57:23Z

Hrrrm. Idk if I'm going to manage Camp NaNo this round after all. My sleep schedule's been fucked up and that has ruined every schedule that exists (because I have OCD, and the exact times matter and if I can't do things at that exact time nothing is getting done), so... not a lot of writing got done this month.

I was on schedule for, like, one glorious week, though, and in that time managed to get down an outline for this book. I need to tweak it and expand on it, but it is definitely story-shaped and not terrible! It's actually starting to look like it's going to be really fun to write, when I get there. So maybe the Camp NaNo after this one...

Only tangentially related to writing, but I came to a realization this week that kind of... broke through some of the learned helplessness about my life. And suddenly I have a plan for shit and, like, some hope that things will get better than they are, and it is strange but a really nice change.

I really need to Hamilton the shit out of a thing at some point today, and I am stalling on starting because I don't totally know what I'm doing and I'm very concerned I'm going to fuck it up... buuut I'll get over that once I've had a little more coffee. Despite the schedule fuckery, I am feeling a lot more on top of my shit than I have in a long long time.

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Not exactly as planned...

2016-03-08T20:46:02Z

Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.

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Run fast for your children, for your sisters and brothers

2016-03-07T01:32:07Z

Maybe some day I will stop giving basically every protagonist ever some variety of crippling anxiety. ...but it's definitely not going to happen on this story.

Plus, you know, I don't think I have a single friend who's not mentally ill in one way or another, so whatever. So what if all my characters reflect that? Like with queer characters, at a certain point I just... yeah, straight people exist in the world. So do neurotypical people. And someone else can go write stories about them, because I don't care.

(This post brought to you by a lot of second-guessing myself, because wow, Birdie, that is the third main character in a row with anxiety maybe reel it in a little there. BUT NOPE I REFUSE.)

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Goodnight ominous triangle at the foot of my bed

2016-03-03T21:31:25Z

Urgh. I had to take some anxiety meds before I went to bed last night - double the tiny amount I usually take because I wasn't calming the fuck down fast enough - and I woke up with the worst headache, because I can never drink enough water to compensate for the meds dehydrating me. This on top of the mundane but annoying hallucinations before I fell asleep (it... went kind of like this), really vivid nightmares, and sleeping through my alarm.

On the bright side, I actually finished a thing last night! By... bribing myself with a nap if I wrote words fast enough, and boy it worked. I'll take it, I guess. So... cleaning that up and posting it to rainbowfic, while I try to figure out what I'm working on next.

I should probably finish any one of the half-finished things sitting on my Google Drive, but... ugghhh...

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I just wanted to thank you for giving me something to be all bitter about

2016-03-01T20:30:03Z

The last month, in summary: generally crap. Got derailed from writing for a while because of breakup drama, struggled with RP things because of reasons. Basically, February can go to hell.

Except for the Hamilton bootleg. That part was not so terrible.

Word Count: 12327 (with RP); 2755 (without RP). ....like I said, not great.
Stories Written: This one WG ficlet is all I finished; a couple of other things slowly getting added to that I will finish eventually.
Reading: A lot of Animorphs, currently paused at #25 while I wait for actuallyclintbarton to catch up with me; The Sleeping Beauty by Mercedes Lackey, because I like to read silly fluffy fantasy when I am sad.

This month: writing again! Actually finishing some goddamn fics. Figuring out what the hell I am doing with my larger projects. Burying myself in work in an attempt to distract myself from overwhelming anxiety about my living situation, once again.

( Month goals, for accountability reasons )

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Come on all you wild girls and you lost girls...

2016-02-27T17:22:24Z

Ugh, I keep passing out stupid early every night and sleeping forever. No one let me take a nap tonight. Just... don't. Yell at me to get coffee instead.

On the bright side, I finished a short ficlet last night! It's the first time I've actually written in this universe, so I'm not... entirely sure what I'm doing, but I had some rainbowfic novelty beads that kind of demanded it, so. Wild Girls! Posted here if you're in rainbowfic and here if you're not (that comm is locked because I don't like posting original fic publicly, but I will immediately accept any join requests from anyone I actually recognize).

I don't have to be in my office for another couple hours, but I think today I will be editing some wiki pages annnd writing another WG ficlet. Hopefully not getting lost in wolf vidoes on YouTube again, but I can't promise anything. This month has been a complete mess, but I am slowly bouncing back.

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Idk... kittens

2016-02-20T18:48:13Z

Still alive, struggling my way back to productivity, not much to say otherwise. Have some cat pictures instead.

( Cut for large-ish photos )

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I'll write my way out

2016-02-02T07:58:03Z

On a completely different note. Posting writing goals for the month, because thebonesofferalletters did it and it seemed like a good idea.

rainbowfic Stuff
- ~~Write 2500 words for the comm~~ Not quite, but close enough to count
- ~~Actually finish two or three fics (minimum...)~~ I finished... one
- Finish prism (+ prism saturation because I'm a masochist)
Wiki Stuff
- ~~Put together the egregore page~~
- Add a few more DMA character pages
RP Stuff
- Write Steph's newbie pamphlet for synodiporia

...I feel like there's something important I'm forgetting here, but whatever. I'll come back and edit it in if I think of it.

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