we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: A flock of corvids against a pale sky (corvids | the devil counted to seven)
Oh christ I think I just opened the door for animals like dolphins to use magic in one of my universes and I am a little horrified at myself. Parrot magic. Corvid magic. Squid magic.

WHAT HAVE I DONE. They're all assholes oh my god they don't need this power. ...to be fair, humans are also assholes who don't need that kind of power, but it's too late for that.

The elephants are the only ones who deserve magic. Protect elephant witches at all costs.

(Seriously though what have I done?)
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
I was just trying to write a cute backstory fic for Kilgate, and I accidentally threw in some fucking terrible foreshadowing. I kind of hate myself for this oh my god. I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT NO THIS IS AWFUL. MISTAKES WERE MADE.

...on the bright side, I finally finished this stupid story that's eaten my last two months. A couple thousand words isn't much for the time it took me to write, but I finished something and I'm so relieved because I was starting to think I wasn't capable of it anymore. [community profile] rainbowfic people, please be nice to me when I post this because I have been struggling and could use some reassurance I'm still... not totally incompetent at this.

I guess I have to pick something else to work on now. Maybe a few drabbles, if I can actually force myself to write something under a thousand words...
mortalcity: Riley Fisher with a flashlight. (OaS | DMA: Riley)
I should be writing right now, but Riley has descended into incoherent screaming and I can't get her to stop. Which would be fine, except she's narrating this thing. So I kind of need her to use her words.

This scene is almost over Riley please just work with me and then you can flip out all you want.

I'm not doing NaNo, by the way. I'm just writing. I'll get back here with an actual life update later today (after [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton drags me out of my office) or tomorrow. I promise I'm still alive.
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
I'm so annoyed with my brain right now. I've been struggling with a plot for this book for literal months, and then today I woke up, staggered into my office, and my brain immediately went "well obviously it needs to be about X so Y thing makes sense to have in the book".

And I am just... DON'T GIVE ME THAT "WELL OBVIOUSLY" BULLSHIT. IF IT WAS OBVIOUS I WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT MONTHS AGO.

...I mean, I am glad to know what I'm doing now, and if my brain would like to drop any epiphanies about other projects on me, I won't complain, but I do feel a little cheated. At least let me pretend I put in some effort...

*

Iiin other news, I have been volunteering Wednesdays at a recovery center for women with substance abuse problems.

It may or may not lead anywhere re: actual job (which... I will need to be medicated before that is even a possibility), and I am literally too efficient for them to know what to do with (they give me a job that they think should take an hour, I'm done in ten minutes, and then I have to wait around and read or something while they figure out what else to do with me), but. It is nice to get out of the house, it's really nice to not have to work with or around any men, and I haven't had a panic attack or cried in front of anyone yet. Be proud of me.
mortalcity: Mosaic of a winged person, from La Martorana in Palermo. (angels | the call of ancient wars)
Someone with some knowledge of angelic mythology needs to design me a bunch of characters (who are not actually angels, but close). Just, like, physically. Because I'm going to need a lot of them at some point, and I can do it, but I don't want to right now. /whines

...this is not an actual request, but this is the fourth character in a week who has made me do this and I am just. Headdesking. ALL MY RESOURCES ARE IN BOXES YOU FUCKERS WHY NOW. I have to locate my angel books and/or notes and go through them again, but that's a whole process that involves putting together bookshelves and unpacking and once again, I don't wanna.

What if I just never have this character drop her illusions in this fic because I'm lazy? What if that?
Apr. 8th, 2015 07:10 pm

Words!

mortalcity: Text: "We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realized they were inside of us." (OaS | DMA: Tegan)
Finished my first story for [community profile] rainbowfic! I'm just so glad to be finishing things recently and I need this to continue.

Crossposted fic to rainbowfic and onasaturday (OAS comm is locked but if you follow me here you're welcome to join). Fairies are terrible, but we all knew this already. Also Tegan is sad and needs all the hugs. (This is a backstory fic, so she does get them eventually. Just not from her family, but that's for the best.)

Idk if I'm writing today. I am ahead of schedule, I went out in the world for groceries, and people in RP-land are being ridiculous (one specific person, really), which has sapped the very last bit of care I have for today. I might just nest in game-building and video games?

Actual work again tomorrow.
mortalcity: Georgia Mason's press ID. (Newsflesh | rise up while you can)
Went out yesterday to see an old friend who is back in town, along with [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, [profile] thebonesofferalletters, and [personal profile] balsamandash. Lots of fun, and weirdly like being 16 again, but totally exhausting - I came home, meant to take a nap for two or three hours maximum, and ended up sleeping forever. (I woke up for a couple hours around 4 AM, and went back to bed before 7, because nope. My body was not ready for consciousness.)

So, since I didn't get to write much yesterday, I holed up in my office today to try to make up for it. I may have spent some time lying on the floor whining about how writing is hard while Toby sat on my chest and purred, but I'm at over 800 words for the day, so it turned out well. Actually having an office again, even if it's not perfect yet, is definitely helping.

I am even ahead of schedule for [community profile] getyourwordsout! Not a huge amount, but by a comfortable margin.

A CHART! Shut up I love charts. )

Been listening to my playlists for Kilgate things while writing, and I am remembering again why I love this series. I need to figure out what I'm doing for those first two books so I can outline and actually start writing again. I am ready to go home to Kilgate now.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Uggghhh. We took Ariel to the vet today, because he has been tearing up his ears and moved on to his neck - it looked like it might be getting better for a while, but nope, very much not better, so vet became necessary.

Cut for grossness and money stuff )


In writing news, the Kilgate series is going to be about two books longer than I thought. The book I thought was going to be first is now third, and has to be completely replotted now. Also I have to figure out what I'm doing in those first two books. I am still not quite done throwing a tantrum about this, even though I can already see that the books that come out of it will be better for it.

Still cranky. My life would have been much easier had I figured this out, say, a few years ago. And I am really tired of plotting and worldbuilding and all the foundational stuff. I just want to have one project where I am ready to actually write... but nothing's quite there yet. God damn it.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova, smiling slightly (Marvel | I've been compromised)
I am still alive. I am also stressed as hell, though all the shit that keeps happening has led me to a place of so much "I don't give a fuck" that I'm not flipping out about it.

The power steering in the car up and died, and we could not afford to fix it - this has mostly been worked out? Maybe-probably? People are awesome, except for Matthew's father, the actual owner of the car, who is a childish ass. Hopefully the garage will be able to fix it quickly, because we really need to find a place to live before this one gets taken away.

I am running out of meds and need to make an appointment with my new doctor, but A) I am not sure where I put that information and B) I don't want to do that until I'm sure I'll be able to get there. Ugh. At least if I do run out, the withdrawal on this isn't as awful as the last thing I was on.

I am flailing around looking for things to write. On a Saturday is in flames and will not be rebuilt until we have a more stable situation (which is fine, I got a pep talk from an awesome person about it and I am not freaking over it anymore), and until then... I don't know. I have four other verses in various stages of being built, but nothing I can actually get a story out of yet. This is really frustrating.

On a Saturday is going to be really cool when it gets put back together, though. Very different and probably hard but really really cool.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
So while in the car, I realized that the reason I am having trouble with this novel I have spent... at least seven years bashing my head against... is that I need to do a complete rehaul of the worldbuilding.

Which I guess is not surprising, the world itself is over ten years old now and I can do better, but I just. Ugh. Why am I dumb. Why. Am I dumb.

But whatever, I know it now, I can stop hating myself for not being able to get this done and do something else about it. In a little while. Right now I'm so frustrated and annoyed at myself I think I need to put the whole world aside and poke at other things for a while.

I'll rebuild the whole thing from the ground up in a few months or so.
mortalcity: Girl lying on the sidewalk, with wings drawn in chalk underneath her. (angels | this is to New York City angels)
The magical beta-blocker-enabled revelations continue! ...mainly in that I am rediscovering the joy in everything ever, and also remarkably chill about everything else.

Today I did all my tags, and then took an hour's break to read fic, and then spent three hours writing. I was gloriously productive, and did not freak out or hate myself when I realized I'd gotten distracted and forgot to squeeze in another hour of writing before midnight. So awesome.

I haven't even freaked out about having to go to counseling tomorrow. Yet. That's still making me anxious and twitchy if I think about it for too long, but I'm not letting myself do that. In all other areas, I am so calm I almost don't recognize myself, and I like it this way.

Writing rambling )

RP rambling that is more about me than my games )

FIC RECS! Newsflesh and Fringe )
mortalcity: A wolf peeking around autumn leaves. (wolves | truth so deep within the wood)
I am back from Darkover, and did not die.

The entire trip was wonderful, including the trip down and back - despite accidentally blowing past our exit by, like, an hour on the way down, which led to being on the road for hours longer than we meant to. I think we gave the Garmin a nervous breakdown a couple times.

And rolling down all the windows, blasting "Star-Spangled Man" and singing along at the top of our lungs? BEST. THING. EVER. Seriously, you should try it some time.

The actual con was fantastic too. The panels I went to were fun and interesting (and occasionally rage-inducing - there was one where Jae and I sat clutching at each other's legs and hands and trying not to snarl at one particular panelist), I got to meet a bunch of awesome people and hang with the awesome people I already knew, and we all managed to not kill each other.

A lovely woman saw me walking with a cane and just gave me this beautiful hand-made cane someone had given her that wasn't quite working for her. I love this cane. It's like it was made for me, and I've been fondling and cuddling it all weekend.

And there was a woman at the con with a Caucasian ovtcharka that was a mobility service dog for her balance issues (which from her brief description sound a lot like mine) and you guys. That is my dream dog, including the service dog part, and talking to her made me think I might actually be able to make that work for me some day. Of course, first I'd have to be able to afford to feed a dog that big, never mind figure out where to acquire one, but some day.

...anyway, yeah. Con was awesome. Downside is that now I am totally worn the fuck out, and have no emotional energy or patience for humans or the world in general, and have been getting snarly at the simple fact that other humans exist where I can hear them how dare they. Including Mat. Which makes me feel like an awful person, but is not making the reaction go away.

Hermiting for a week is not unlikely. Which is just as well, because I feel like writing all the things now. I figured out something about the first angel book on the drive down, and some of the panels made some things click about a universe I just recently started poking at, but I need so much more research on that, and I need to go back to (re)writing the first DMA book and oh god how do I even...
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
So I kept falling in and out of consciousness at random yesterday, and therefore did not write at all. Today has been more productive, but I only woke up at 7PM, so... uh... still have a lot of catching up to do. :\

Bright side, the insomnia/nightmares problem is apparently over for now. A couple of friends on Plurk suggested I put a headvoice out to guard my dreams. I have Mouse from The Dresden Files hanging around in my headspace, and if there's a better guardian of dreams, I can't think of them. I still had weird dreams - zombies and biochemical attacks and a journey into the land of the dead - but they were normal weird for me, and therefore non-traumatic.

Words Today: 1052
Total Words: 6084
Reason for stopping: Once again, I'm not actually stopping. It's just midnight. And therefore not technically "today" anymore.
Animals: Obnoxious. If they're not trying to climb into my lap, they're chasing each other around the house. They have settled down since Mat came home, though, and now he can yell at them instead of me. Hah.
Caffeine intake: One can of Coke and half a cup of coffee. But I haven't been awake that long today, so... yeah.

At the moment, I have a zombie trying to eat my main character's face, both of them trapped in a very small space with no immediate exit. Therefore, I am a happy writer and will hopefully get this chapter done before sunrise. And then keep going. I am catching up, god damn it.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
NaNo count for yesterday and today, because... it was a weird couple days. Insomnia and nightmares and... yeah. However, I'm not sleeping tonight, and am planning to hang out in the word sprints chat the whole time, so hopefully I'll make some progress tonight.

Words Today (& Yesterday): 2355
Total Words: 4211
Reason for stopping: I haven't, technically. It just ticked over to midnight, so I figured I might as well update.
Animals: Hell if I know. They were in a pile of fur on the couch last time I saw, and presumably are still there. All I care about is that they're being quiet.
Caffeine intake: A cup of coffee and one can of Coke so far today. That might be why my head hurts so much...

Abby is dead and my prologue is over. I feel like I'm doing a lot of terribly uninteresting rambling no one will care about, but there is more action in the first few chapters than there was in my last draft, so that's something. And I get to play with a zombie soon. Always something to look forward to.

...yes, I am the literary equivalent of an Irwin. GIVE ME A ZOMBIE AND I AM HAPPY. PERIOD.
mortalcity: A crow in a tree, in front of a cloud-covered moon. (corvids | were they telling me to run?)
[personal profile] thatrainbow and I went to a midnight write-in at the diner for the kickoff last night, and it was awesome. I was more social than I have been in I don't know how long, and despite our table being the chattiest and least productive, we all actually did get stuff done.

Words Today: 1856
Total Words: 1856
Reason for stopping: I was starting to hate myself and everything I was writing. Jae pointed out a break was good for my sanity.
Animals: Ace is curled up on the pillow on the floor by my desk. Michaelcat keeps wandering in and out, occasionally claiming my lap. Simba is probably exactly where he has been on the couch all day long.
Caffeine intake: Uh... six cups of coffee and a Coke. Plus one cup of coffee I didn't actually drink, because I passed out first.

This year's NaNo is going to drive me even more insane than usual. I'm shooting for 80-90k rather than 50k. This is not as crazy as it sounds, because I already have a chunk of it written - I'm just not sure how much, because I haven't yet determined how much of that needs to be rewritten due to plot changes. Yes, I am breaking all the rules and I don't care. I am finishing this book this year, god damn it.

I'm still in the prologue right now. And, uh... I might've had a mild freakout just before I stopped and started butchering stuff to move it around and, y'know, doing exactly what you are not supposed to do in NaNo, with the editing and deleting words and stuff. I came to my senses and... stopped, and will get it sorted out when I have a chance to chill out again.

I've suddenly fallen in love with a character who for years I have only been neutral toward. I still have to kill her soon. Sorry, Abby. I promise I'll give you a short story when I'm done with this book.
mortalcity: Sign reading: "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!" (zombies | CAUTION!)
So, because Mat threatened to cry if I didn't, I made a comm for my NaNo, and will be posting to it as I go. Word counts and NaNo ranting will still go on my regular journal here.

It's over at [community profile] onasaturday. There's a public cast list up there right now, and you are more than welcome to ask me anything about my story or characters here. All actual writing will be locked, so you'll have to join the comm to read anything. (If those of you on LJ need/want DW invites... let me know. I have lots.) So, um... yes.

Also, my username on the NaNo site is inthemortalcity, if any of you want to add me when they actually get the writing buddies feature working again.
mortalcity: (Default)
  • I am so tired. My eyes burn when I blink, and yet I can't actually sleep when I try to. Also, it's fucking freezing, and this is just adding to my desire to hibernate, and my frustration when I can't. I know I asked the universe to make it autumn instead of summer, and I appreciate that it complied, but... I meant a slightly warmer autumn. At least until I get my coats out of storage.

  • RP and writing stuff under a cut, because it got long, and the lists started nesting... )

  • The house is ours. The closing was this morning, the keys are in my bag, and we own a house. ...well, technically [personal profile] thatrainbow's parents own it (and are paying for all our utilities and landscaping and crap too), but this is actually preferable to us owning it in my mind (at least for the time being). It means we don't have to pay the taxes.

    We can't move in until next weekend, because our car would not make it to the house without dying, so we need to wait until the parental people get here to get us a new car. The front yard still needs to be fenced for Ace. The carpets need to be pulled up, and we need to paint a little (just the trim on the inside - the outside is fine). We won't have internet there until a week from tomorrow anyway. But I want to move in now, damn it.
mortalcity: Riley Fisher with a flashlight. (OaS | DMA: Riley)
The other day, [personal profile] thatrainbow named one of my characters who's been hovering around nameless for a while.

It is a ridiculous name. (Sadly, it is not Leroy Rivera - sorry, Ailet. :|) There's not even a way to make a non-ridiculous nickname out of it. I did not expect it to stick.

Said character likes it. Like, violently likes it. I think I might be stuck with it.

Luckily, she's a fairy, so I can get away with just about any weirdness I want. Still, Riley has so many more legitimate questions about Tegan's family than she did to start out with. And there are a lot.
mortalcity: Apocalyptic city skyline. Text: "Oh, there was an apocalypse? We thought it was just Thursday." (text | we thought it was just Thursday)
Okay, actual update on my life. In bulletpoint form, because... I like bulletpoints?

  • I am not dead. That part is important and my biggest accomplishment right now.

  • We are either moving or going to be screwed very, very soon. Like, by the end of the month. By which I mean, the landlord is evicting us, mostly because he's a jerk. (To be fair, I knew that when we moved in, but uh... there weren't a lot of other options at the time. And still aren't.)

  • Unrelated to but totally not helped by the housing situation, I am in the middle of a really awful depressive episode. I have actually been talked into seeing a doctor about this (which, if I were capable of emotions other than "everything sucks", would totally freak me out), but... not yet, for various reasons. And waiting while large chunks of my day are being spent crying over nothing, and I don't want to eat, and can't sleep, and can't focus on anything at all is just about the least fun thing I have ever done.

  • Just before I got slammed with the overwhelming awfulness of my brain, I spent a weekend with Jae poking at On a Saturday. (Well, I poked at On a Saturday. She wrote letters in which Lord Wyldon was a dick.) And realized that I need to reoutline large chunks of it. And then rewrite the entire thing. But not until I... finish it from where I am? Because if I start over completely now, Jae will beat me with something. Or make Tammy do it, which is a lot scarier.

    On one hand, I am pleased that I have figured out something to do, because it's better than being stuck on the same chapter for months in a row. The chapter that has been rewritten four times and is still unfinished because I realized that scene shouldn't even be happening, because it helps when people actually remember their jobs. So now I have somewhere to go.

    On the other hand... OH GOD, THE WHOLE THING? REALLY? (...that is an exaggeration. There are probably large chunks that are salvageable. But there's a lot that needs to be knocked into a different shape.)

  • I got a haircut today! It is really short and I like it a lot. Mostly because I do not have to brush it or pull it back or anything. :D

  • OhgodIamsotired why can't I sleeeep? :C