we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: (Hamilton | looking for a mind at work)
Hrrrm. Idk if I'm going to manage Camp NaNo this round after all. My sleep schedule's been fucked up and that has ruined every schedule that exists (because I have OCD, and the exact times matter and if I can't do things at that exact time nothing is getting done), so... not a lot of writing got done this month.

I was on schedule for, like, one glorious week, though, and in that time managed to get down an outline for this book. I need to tweak it and expand on it, but it is definitely story-shaped and not terrible! It's actually starting to look like it's going to be really fun to write, when I get there. So maybe the Camp NaNo after this one...


Only tangentially related to writing, but I came to a realization this week that kind of... broke through some of the learned helplessness about my life. And suddenly I have a plan for shit and, like, some hope that things will get better than they are, and it is strange but a really nice change.

I really need to Hamilton the shit out of a thing at some point today, and I am stalling on starting because I don't totally know what I'm doing and I'm very concerned I'm going to fuck it up... buuut I'll get over that once I've had a little more coffee. Despite the schedule fuckery, I am feeling a lot more on top of my shit than I have in a long long time.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Brain is finally settling down somewhat. I can think more clearly, and anxiety is down to... more or less manageable levels. Executive function is still an issue, and I'm struggling with writing and RP because of it, but I'm hoping that will sort itself out soon?

I am somewhat annoyed at myself because I had planned to do NaNo this year and I really thought I'd be prepared for it come November? But I just lost over a month of work time, and I realized something about my worldbuilding that is... helpful, but also going to require a lot more fucking work to sort out. So I don't know.

I might try to wrestle one of my other projects into something novel-shaped before the end of the month so I will have something to do with myself, but I'm not sure. Having plans disrupted upsets me and I am not very good at recovering quickly afterward. Which is basically the story of this entire terrible year.

Slooooowly getting ready for my trip to see [personal profile] jaeholderman later this week. I missed New York and I missed autumn and I missed my girlfriend and I get to have all of them for a week. /vibrates excitedly
mortalcity: A woman's wrist with a compass rose tattoo. (stock | keep following the heartlines)
Okay, so... I'm finally admitting I've been sick for the past week or so. I really didn't want to admit it, because while Mat's been coughing up his lungs, I haven't had any symptoms beyond excessive tiredness, but...

I'm almost positive I've spent more hours unconscious than conscious this week. And even having slept all that time, I am constantly tired, every part of my body aches, I can't focus on anything, and I'm so frustrated by the whole thing I'm liable to burst into tears at the slightest provocation. If that's not a sign something's wrong, I don't know what is. So fine, body. You win. I'm sick after all.

And as a result of this stupid mysterious illness, I have not written... like... at all. For this entire week. Which puts me far enough behind on NaNo that I think I just need to give up on the idea of 50k by the end of the month, because at this point it's stressing me out more than it's helping. Still going to try to write every day if I can, but also trying to stop fixating so much on the word count (which is not easy for me in the first place, never mind during November, but I'll do what I can).

...I think right now I need to curl up with coffee in the desperate hope it'll wake me up a tiny bit. And while I'm at it, I will try to convince myself I'm not a total failure at everything.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
So I kept falling in and out of consciousness at random yesterday, and therefore did not write at all. Today has been more productive, but I only woke up at 7PM, so... uh... still have a lot of catching up to do. :\

Bright side, the insomnia/nightmares problem is apparently over for now. A couple of friends on Plurk suggested I put a headvoice out to guard my dreams. I have Mouse from The Dresden Files hanging around in my headspace, and if there's a better guardian of dreams, I can't think of them. I still had weird dreams - zombies and biochemical attacks and a journey into the land of the dead - but they were normal weird for me, and therefore non-traumatic.

Words Today: 1052
Total Words: 6084
Reason for stopping: Once again, I'm not actually stopping. It's just midnight. And therefore not technically "today" anymore.
Animals: Obnoxious. If they're not trying to climb into my lap, they're chasing each other around the house. They have settled down since Mat came home, though, and now he can yell at them instead of me. Hah.
Caffeine intake: One can of Coke and half a cup of coffee. But I haven't been awake that long today, so... yeah.

At the moment, I have a zombie trying to eat my main character's face, both of them trapped in a very small space with no immediate exit. Therefore, I am a happy writer and will hopefully get this chapter done before sunrise. And then keep going. I am catching up, god damn it.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
NaNo count for yesterday and today, because... it was a weird couple days. Insomnia and nightmares and... yeah. However, I'm not sleeping tonight, and am planning to hang out in the word sprints chat the whole time, so hopefully I'll make some progress tonight.

Words Today (& Yesterday): 2355
Total Words: 4211
Reason for stopping: I haven't, technically. It just ticked over to midnight, so I figured I might as well update.
Animals: Hell if I know. They were in a pile of fur on the couch last time I saw, and presumably are still there. All I care about is that they're being quiet.
Caffeine intake: A cup of coffee and one can of Coke so far today. That might be why my head hurts so much...

Abby is dead and my prologue is over. I feel like I'm doing a lot of terribly uninteresting rambling no one will care about, but there is more action in the first few chapters than there was in my last draft, so that's something. And I get to play with a zombie soon. Always something to look forward to.

...yes, I am the literary equivalent of an Irwin. GIVE ME A ZOMBIE AND I AM HAPPY. PERIOD.
mortalcity: A crow in a tree, in front of a cloud-covered moon. (corvids | were they telling me to run?)
[personal profile] thatrainbow and I went to a midnight write-in at the diner for the kickoff last night, and it was awesome. I was more social than I have been in I don't know how long, and despite our table being the chattiest and least productive, we all actually did get stuff done.

Words Today: 1856
Total Words: 1856
Reason for stopping: I was starting to hate myself and everything I was writing. Jae pointed out a break was good for my sanity.
Animals: Ace is curled up on the pillow on the floor by my desk. Michaelcat keeps wandering in and out, occasionally claiming my lap. Simba is probably exactly where he has been on the couch all day long.
Caffeine intake: Uh... six cups of coffee and a Coke. Plus one cup of coffee I didn't actually drink, because I passed out first.

This year's NaNo is going to drive me even more insane than usual. I'm shooting for 80-90k rather than 50k. This is not as crazy as it sounds, because I already have a chunk of it written - I'm just not sure how much, because I haven't yet determined how much of that needs to be rewritten due to plot changes. Yes, I am breaking all the rules and I don't care. I am finishing this book this year, god damn it.

I'm still in the prologue right now. And, uh... I might've had a mild freakout just before I stopped and started butchering stuff to move it around and, y'know, doing exactly what you are not supposed to do in NaNo, with the editing and deleting words and stuff. I came to my senses and... stopped, and will get it sorted out when I have a chance to chill out again.

I've suddenly fallen in love with a character who for years I have only been neutral toward. I still have to kill her soon. Sorry, Abby. I promise I'll give you a short story when I'm done with this book.
mortalcity: Sign reading: "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!" (zombies | CAUTION!)
So, because Mat threatened to cry if I didn't, I made a comm for my NaNo, and will be posting to it as I go. Word counts and NaNo ranting will still go on my regular journal here.

It's over at [community profile] onasaturday. There's a public cast list up there right now, and you are more than welcome to ask me anything about my story or characters here. All actual writing will be locked, so you'll have to join the comm to read anything. (If those of you on LJ need/want DW invites... let me know. I have lots.) So, um... yes.

Also, my username on the NaNo site is inthemortalcity, if any of you want to add me when they actually get the writing buddies feature working again.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO PRODUCTIVE. ...also, I'm a tiny bit drunk now, so keep that in mind if this post gets weird or rambly.

We finished painting the bedroom, and pulled up all the carpet and staples and carpetboards in there and now actually have a bedroom with a bed inside it. And all the carpet is up out of the hall and living room too, though there are still... staples and boards with spikes all over the place. That will be fixed whenever we have time which may be never, because NaNo is coming at us like a goddamn train and I am not prepared.

And our furniture got delivered, though most of it has not been put together yet. But there's a couch! And a coffee table that I put together all by myself. Oh, and also [personal profile] thatrainbow's computer came back all fixed, so I don't have to share mine anymore.

And I woke up to snow today! ...that has nothing to do with productivity, it's just awesome.

...in conclusion, have a blurry picture of Ace and Simba snuggling me and each other on our new couch.
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
Wow, my body really hates being asleep at night.

I passed out around eleven, because I'm sick and going to bed at a sane time seemed like a good idea. NOPE. Woke up at 3 AM, completely unable to get back to sleep. Poked around on the internet for an hour or two, tried to go back to sleep... STILL NOT HAPPENING.

And naturally, no one is awake on the internet, and I've run out of things to entertain myself with. And it's overcast, so even watching sunrise isn't really interesting. I guess this is a sign I should work on reoutlining my NaNo or something, huh?

After coffee. Because I'm seriously going to maul something if coffee doesn't happen first.