we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text: "Real is a matter of perception." (Fringe | a matter of perception)
Well that was a fun RP-related panic attack last night. Let's never do that again.

Like. It wasn't about RP - it wasn't about anything, at least initially. I just kind of ended up in a situation where my character was suddenly flipping out about things, and the actual physical/emotional component of the roleplaying sort of tricked my body into actually flipping out because I was breathing fast and my heart rate was elevated and everyone was looking at me all concerned so obviously there was something to be anxious about. And since it was tabletop and not an online game, I couldn't just... walk away between tags to cool off, and it took me a little while to realize it wasn't just the character anymore, I was actually having a panic attack.

I ended up going to lie down partway through, and taking an anxiety pill that knocked me out for the rest of the night, and I feel better now, but ugh. That was unpleasant.

(I would like to state for the record that it really was not the GM's fault for not warning me. I mean, if something similar happens in the future and I don't get a strong warning not to do the thing, I will be angry, but if you'd asked me beforehand, I probably wouldn't have seen a problem coming either. Now we all know better.)
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
I still exist. Been swinging back and forth between "pretty okay and productive" and "TOTALLY NOT OKAY AT ALL SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING" and... yeah. Brain chemistry is still doing things it shouldn't, but it could be worse.

At least now I am reassured that I really do have depression and haven't somehow been faking it for half my life. Because that was a thing I worried about for a while. Because obviously going three or four months without a hard crash means it was never real at all? /shrug

Today, I am slowly sinking into a hatespiral because the power went out just as I sat down to work. It's back now, after a couple hours, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated anyway, and I have been working on wiki pages and prewriting for weeks now and I'm getting really really sick of it and I just want to write my actual story again. So now it's super late, I still have to do my words for the day, but I have to do it while snarling at the screen and my brain and everything in the world.

My house is still not unpacked. I want to put together the bookshelves and unpack all the books and get my office set up better (though... I will still need a desk that is not a piece of crap for that), but I'm still kind of terrified something is going to make us move again. I will probably still be terrified of that for a long time, after last fucking year. I really just need someone to come over to my house and do it for me, because I'm a little concerned if it's up to me it'll never get done.

Good things happening, so this is not all sadness:
- A couple friends randomly gave me story ideas out of the blue. One of them was a jerk and gave me vampires, which I did not ask for and am not sure I want, but kind of want to poke at anyway. Because I hate myself, apparently. If anyone was wondering, I will always accept story ideas if you have one you're sure you won't write yourself. They are the best gift.
- I am in a shiny plotty RP, because a friend mods it and is a terrible enabler. I have no idea what I'm doing there yet, but I am having fun with it. And also some of my castmates are making me art just because, and it's amazing. So that's pretty cool.
- cut for photo )
Toby is still adorable and Best of Cats. This is very important.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text: "Real is a matter of perception." (Fringe | a matter of perception)
Oh my god, you guys. Oh my god, this episode of Fringe. I'd say "can we talk about it", except I'm not capable of talking. Just crying out of sheer joy that this show exists, like Kristen Bell crying over sloths.

We have hit that point in the season where everything is glorious, and I am just so happy. (Also, that episode could have gone on for, like, an hour longer and I would not have gotten tired of it. It was like an LJRP in TV form, in the best way.)

...um. In other news, meme! Because [personal profile] whatawaytoburn commanded it.
Happy Galentine's Day
my thread
mortalcity: Girl lying on the sidewalk, with wings drawn in chalk underneath her. (angels | this is to New York City angels)
The magical beta-blocker-enabled revelations continue! ...mainly in that I am rediscovering the joy in everything ever, and also remarkably chill about everything else.

Today I did all my tags, and then took an hour's break to read fic, and then spent three hours writing. I was gloriously productive, and did not freak out or hate myself when I realized I'd gotten distracted and forgot to squeeze in another hour of writing before midnight. So awesome.

I haven't even freaked out about having to go to counseling tomorrow. Yet. That's still making me anxious and twitchy if I think about it for too long, but I'm not letting myself do that. In all other areas, I am so calm I almost don't recognize myself, and I like it this way.

Writing rambling )

RP rambling that is more about me than my games )

FIC RECS! Newsflesh and Fringe )
mortalcity: Alt!Olivia, looking over her shoulder. Text: "there's more than one of everything." (Fringe | more than one of everything)
Blargh. I am both ridiculously stressed out by this whole LJ debacle, and desperately hoping this is what finally kicks at least some of LJRP into moving over to DW. Especially the games I'm in and the one I'm planning on joining. Fingers crossed and all that.


Happy things: Mat brought me a present from [personal profile] whatawaytoburn when he came home. He also brought me fuzzy socks.


Also, I made pumpkin biscotti today, and it tastes like amazing and victory. And I still have enough pumpkin to make more! Next time I think I will try it with chocolate chips. And a (non-pumpkin) batch with cranberries and almonds.

I have a feeling I will need to make a billion batches, because I never want to stop eating them. You're supposed to leave them for a day or so, so they'll get crunchy, but I don't have the patience for that. Want pumpkiny deliciousness NOW. In fact, I am going to go make coffee and grab another piece of biscotti right now. :|
mortalcity: (Default)
  • I am so tired. My eyes burn when I blink, and yet I can't actually sleep when I try to. Also, it's fucking freezing, and this is just adding to my desire to hibernate, and my frustration when I can't. I know I asked the universe to make it autumn instead of summer, and I appreciate that it complied, but... I meant a slightly warmer autumn. At least until I get my coats out of storage.

  • RP and writing stuff under a cut, because it got long, and the lists started nesting... )

  • The house is ours. The closing was this morning, the keys are in my bag, and we own a house. ...well, technically [personal profile] thatrainbow's parents own it (and are paying for all our utilities and landscaping and crap too), but this is actually preferable to us owning it in my mind (at least for the time being). It means we don't have to pay the taxes.

    We can't move in until next weekend, because our car would not make it to the house without dying, so we need to wait until the parental people get here to get us a new car. The front yard still needs to be fenced for Ace. The carpets need to be pulled up, and we need to paint a little (just the trim on the inside - the outside is fine). We won't have internet there until a week from tomorrow anyway. But I want to move in now, damn it.