we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
Could not sleep or write because for some reason my brain would not stop screaming.

Finally talked myself into taking an anxiety pill, because I realized I had locked myself in my office for no reason (no one else is awake right now) and the internal screaming seemed likely to turn external before long.

...aaand of course, even though I only took a tiny fraction of a pill, the second it actually hits me, it's like this bank of fog just rolled into my brain. So I'm calmer, but also not writing under these circumstances.

I'm going the hell back to bed. To nap, or at least lay in the dark and read Animorphs. Whichever my brain will tolerate. Mrrph.

I'm writing when I get up, though. Anxiety doesn't get to win this time.
mortalcity: Rikki Barnes, perched on a rooftop in the rain (Marvel | girl without a world)
I thought I was better from the plague but I am now pretty sure I was wrong. I am exhausted and achy and probably mildly feverish again, and I have once again accomplished nothing today.

I am so homesick my chest aches from it, and I keep nearly bursting into tears over it. I want to go home, or at least have some kind of hope that it's possible in the next few years. I want to stop hating myself for agreeing to leave in the first place, even though I was in no place emotionally to put up much of a fight then.

At the very least, I want to get out of this fucking holding pattern we've been stuck in, because I cannot handle it much longer. I don't care if I'm impatient because we've barely been in the house for a month, we've been doing nothing for six months before that, and I just want to feel like something is happening, even if it's slowly.

(...also I am not a fan of the changes to the create entry page. Everything is large and does not fit well on my screen. Maybe it looks better on bigger monitors, but I do not approve.)
mortalcity: Girl with tattooed wings on her back (angels | hide those wings away)
Literally all I want right now is my own space with a door I can close that is not constantly the hottest place in the house.

I just want to get something done, but the house is too hot and loud, and I can't put headphones in without getting too wound up about whether someone's going to walk up behind me to actually focus on anything. I am bored and cranky and there are things with a deadline I want to do and I know I won't be able to because I can't get comfortable enough to work.

And I feel like I am just making excuses, so I just keep getting angrier and angrier at myself on top of everything else. I am so sick of waiting for something to change.
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
Woke up and immediately lost my phone. Way to go, self.

I am bored and cranky at my brain. It refuses to work in the heat, and past a certain point in the morning, literally everywhere in this house is hot and awful - there's only one place that's even remotely liveable for most of the day, and it is right out in public where I would prefer not to be. October keeps following me around like she is actually my daemon, which is cute and really sweet, but she refuses to accept that it is too damn hot for cuddles. I want a house that is not miserable all the time and a room that is my own and a shower that works. Soon, please.

Slowly working on my Ever After Wood verse, as the heat will allow. I need to reread my main source material (four children's books, so not a huge deal) and pick through obscure fairytales for other characters. All of this is a lot easier than writing, but also harder to convince my jerk brain that it is actual work.

Cut for name rambling )

Sports Night is on TV now, so I am going to watch that and read old RP threads and sulk until the world is cool enough for me to exist in it.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
Bleh. My heart is acting up again today, as it has not been for the past... almost two weeks. It's making it hard to concentrate on things and reminding me how much feeling like this sucks. I feel better now than I did when I woke up, but still. Bleh.

In brighter news, I will probably be getting a tattoo soon. I am excited about it, and no, I will not tell you what it's going to be until I have it. It's a surprise. ...a really geeky one. And probably painful given the location. Oh well. 8D

Have a meme. Because A) I want some kind of distraction, and B) I have a camera and I want excuses to use it. :|
Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you're interested in - it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as a Dreamwidth entry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life, if you're remotely interested in it.
mortalcity: Girl with tattooed wings on her back (angels | hide those wings away)
I spent most of yesterday staring blankly at my computer or the ceiling and getting nothing done. Yeah, that'd be the increased meds.

I feel a little more clear-headed today. It still requires a lot of actual effort to focus, but at least it's possible. However, on the flipside, I feel like crap physically: really bad vertigo, nausea, general weakness... I'm not sure if that's the fault of the meds or my usual issues plus (greater than usual) anemia, but it's deeply unpleasant either way.

I had weird dreams last night (or this afternoon, whatever) Cut for self-injury, mostly in a dream context... )

Really, the past few days have been a long, slow spiral into that weird, numb sort of depression. I feel useless and inadequate, I'm not good enough or smart enough for my friends or the things I want to do, and I'm just... tired of everyone, including me, pretending that's not the case. God, I am so tired.
mortalcity: Olivia with lines drawn on her face, looking desperate. (Fringe | whisper prayers into the dark)
Negotiations on the house we were looking at did not work out for some reason. I think we're supposed to look at another couple tomorrow, but... I so don't care anymore. I just want to be done with this crap.

We haven't even been able to do anything about finding an apartment to stay in until house stuff happens, because the car has been out of commission for a week. It's at the mechanic now - AGAIN - but given how much that helped last time...

I don't know. I have run out of any ability to be optimistic about anything. I'm hungry and tired and cranky and on the verge of tears, I can't think clearly or focus on anything, and I've just about reached the point where talking out loud or acknowledging other people or even existing in the same room with other people is almost physically painful.

I just want anywhere at all that is mine. Barring that, I'd take a quiet, dark room where other humans don't exist. Neither of those things is going to happen any time soon.
mortalcity: (Fringe | put on your best straitjacket)
I am so. Fucking. Bored.

And completely incapable of entertaining myself right now, because my focus is even more shot to hell than usual. I've been doing a lot of "tired of thinking, so I'm just going to spin in my chair for ten minutes" today. And yesterday.

Resisting the urge to paw at random people and insist THEY do something to entertain me, but only because I know I'd probably get distracted after a minute or three and wander off.

Thankfully, I am pretty chill about the whole "nothing is getting done" problem. Not throwing screaming fits or crying or anything. I don't know if it's the meds or just total emotional burnout, but it's nice and I'll take it.
mortalcity: Apocalyptic city skyline. Text: "Oh, there was an apocalypse? We thought it was just Thursday." (text | we thought it was just Thursday)
Okay, actual update on my life. In bulletpoint form, because... I like bulletpoints?

  • I am not dead. That part is important and my biggest accomplishment right now.

  • We are either moving or going to be screwed very, very soon. Like, by the end of the month. By which I mean, the landlord is evicting us, mostly because he's a jerk. (To be fair, I knew that when we moved in, but uh... there weren't a lot of other options at the time. And still aren't.)

  • Unrelated to but totally not helped by the housing situation, I am in the middle of a really awful depressive episode. I have actually been talked into seeing a doctor about this (which, if I were capable of emotions other than "everything sucks", would totally freak me out), but... not yet, for various reasons. And waiting while large chunks of my day are being spent crying over nothing, and I don't want to eat, and can't sleep, and can't focus on anything at all is just about the least fun thing I have ever done.

  • Just before I got slammed with the overwhelming awfulness of my brain, I spent a weekend with Jae poking at On a Saturday. (Well, I poked at On a Saturday. She wrote letters in which Lord Wyldon was a dick.) And realized that I need to reoutline large chunks of it. And then rewrite the entire thing. But not until I... finish it from where I am? Because if I start over completely now, Jae will beat me with something. Or make Tammy do it, which is a lot scarier.

    On one hand, I am pleased that I have figured out something to do, because it's better than being stuck on the same chapter for months in a row. The chapter that has been rewritten four times and is still unfinished because I realized that scene shouldn't even be happening, because it helps when people actually remember their jobs. So now I have somewhere to go.

    On the other hand... OH GOD, THE WHOLE THING? REALLY? (...that is an exaggeration. There are probably large chunks that are salvageable. But there's a lot that needs to be knocked into a different shape.)

  • I got a haircut today! It is really short and I like it a lot. Mostly because I do not have to brush it or pull it back or anything. :D

  • OhgodIamsotired why can't I sleeeep? :C