we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
Meds re-acquired, though I won't actually get them until tomorrow.

Cut for uninteresting medication details )

I also got my new glasses in the mail. Including sunglasses! (Which is great, because Wellbutrin in particular has a tendency to turn me into Georgia Mason. Worth it, but annoying as hell.) They keep sliding down my nose and focusing at any kind of distance is... interesting right now, but they are new and they don't have any scratches on them at all! It's very exciting.
mortalcity: Meredith, Izzie, George and Doc the boppy lying under a Christmas tree. (GA | lights will guide you home)
Belated happy winter holiday to those of you who have one. If you can call any of what is happening right now winter? Winter in Florida was never really anything of the sort, but this is so much worse than it used to be ten years ago. Global warming is just the worst.

KM is at their parents' farm for Christmas (probably primarily because they got dinner and presents and Star Wars out of the bargain, which I can't blame them for). I have decided I'm lonely and pretty much done with them being gone, but they refused to drive back down until tomorrow. Rude.

Meanwhile, for two days I've been acting like spoons aren't a thing because I was feeling pretty okay, and I am pretty sure I am just about to crash hard into the wall of "yes you really are disabled you fucking idiot". But I have dishes to do and so much laundry to put away still and I still have to feed myself and the animals until KM gets home tomorrow and ughhhh....

At least writing has been happening. Slowly and never as much as I want, but I am remembering how to put words together in a mostly coherent fashion, and that is reassuring. Sometimes I genuinely think I have forgotten. Finished a fic I've been working on since November, wrote some not-quite-drabbles with characters I missed (I would like to try and get in the habit of daily drabbles), about to tackle some worldbuilding I've been trying to sort out for a while. Yay, me.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
So I have meds. I'm pretty sure they are working, or starting to.

I am still adjusting/readjusting to meds, and probably will be for at least another couple weeks, and it's awful. It's just awful. Either I'm having periodic panic attacks over literally nothing (beyond a vague spider-sense that something is going wrong, somewhere in the universe, and it probably has to do with me), or I'm impossibly unfocused and my head is full of fog.

At the moment, it's actually a constant struggle to keep my eyes focused, that's how bad it is. I couldn't go to work last week because I was constantly hyperventilating and afraid to sleep for some reason, and I haven't even tried doing anything more productive than RP tags and Pokemon this entire month because it's just not going to happen and I will cry.

I hate everything and I just want to skip this and come out the other end with a semi-functional brain and the ability to walk across the house without falling over. Can I do that? Maybe?
mortalcity: Gwen Cooper peeking into a jail cell through a tiny opening. (TW | is it safe to come out?)
God I hate living in a house and having possessions that I will inevitably have to move yet again, this is awful and I want to stop. I'm living in the car now, I'm done.

...no I'm not that would be awful but seriously moving is also awful and I want to cry. There are things I wanted to do that I couldn't get to, my body is basically done re: standing up and moving things, and I managed to pull something around my sternum earlier so moving my arms a certain way hurts. Aaand when we get there everything is going to need to be unpacked again.

I hate. So much. About the way my life is right now.

On the bright side, Mat went over last night to drop off Morrigan (because she's going to be the most stressed out by all of this), and took the opportunity to draw things on the chalkboards that came with the house.

cut because slightly large images )

So that makes me feel slightly better. I just want to be done. For at least a year, preferably more. Fuck this, I'm only doing it again when I can use it to escape Florida.
Mar. 18th, 2015 03:13 pm

/grumble

mortalcity: Sonic screwdriver. Text: "It was a nice day... and then the Doctor was dumb." (DW | and then the Doctor was dumb)
Uggghhhh. I woke up to find one of the cats (probably Toby) had chewed right through my headphones. I really liked that pair, and they were a gift from a friend. :c

This is not an issue when I have an office with a door that closes, because I lock the cats out of it when I leave and all the things they will destroy stay inside. But I have lost so many headphones since we've been here. So. Fucking. Many.

Also tried to pull my office chair out yesterday so I could use one of our tiny folding tables as a desk-like surface... and it promptly screwed up my back so bad breathing almost made me cry. Tried it again briefly today and yep. Not working. I really appreciate the thought process that led to buying the person with chronic pain a chair with a back that isn't contoured and isn't adjustable. That was a brilliant move. I'd honestly be better off in a well-padded folding chair at this point.

...today is not a total wash, though, because KM got some late Christmas money and is paying me back for using mine on household items. We are getting food and going to Barnes & Noble and I will figure out the rest of my day after that.
mortalcity: Text: "Just because you're a zombie doesn't mean you're a bad person." (zombies | because you're a zombie)
So I was going to go meet RP friends and see [profile] thebonesofferalletter's kitten this weekend... and instead, I came down with a fever that knocked me out for two days, only rising to inhale any food I could find and immediately passing out again. It was awful, and I'm cranky that I missed two days in which I had planned to work and people. Not cool, body.

I don't know if I'm better now - I think I'm still kind of warm, but I feel slightly more conscious than before? Going to try to fight the next wave of sleep with coffee and caffeine pills and see if I can start clawing my way back to being a functional human being. :c

Still no news on the house front, except that our landlord can't actually do what he said he was doing without taking some other legal action, so we are probably okay? Unless he is really determined and spiteful and willing to waste money on it? I don't know, we're going to harass people for more news about it when the sun is actually up.
mortalcity: Text: "Note the swirling vortex of death." (text | note the swirling vortex of death)
So I have been sick for like a week and a half, mostly manifesting in fever, a cough, and bone-deep exhaustion I cannot shake. I'm better than I have been, but still not over it. What is consciousness? What are brains? How do words?

So yeah, falling behind in writing thanks to that (and still not having a freaking desk), and if we were having a conversation that I abruptly dropped... I apologize, I just couldn't communicate like a human and have now lost the notifs in my inbox.

Boring life updates, mostly )
mortalcity: A flock of corvids against a pale sky (corvids | the devil counted to seven)
My sleep schedule is all screwed up. I've been sleeping literally all day lately, and getting nothing done as a result, and it is driving me up the wall. I don't know if I'm sick or depressed, but I'm pretty fed up with it either way.

I haven't slept at all today, but I woke up really late yesterday, so I'm just going to try to stay up until 9 or 10 PM to try to shift my schedule to something a little saner. Wish me luck.

I also really need to fucking write, because I am falling behind again. If I finish this scene, I get to start reading my Pocket Apocalypse ARC. Australian cryptids are waiting for me, so I had better hurry up and get Janet out of the freaking woods.
mortalcity: Text: "Just because you're a zombie doesn't mean you're a bad person." (zombies | because you're a zombie)
I finally got Inquisition to open on my desktop! Still don't know if it will, you know, run, never mind run well (that's not happening, because I really need a new computer that is actually meant to handle gaming), but it's not stuck on an endless black screen so this is exciting progress!

Also, I have a desk on which to put that computer, as soon as we bring it inside and assemble it. Right now it is a frightening collection of platforms and metal rods, but I think once it's together it will work out much better than my current desk.

I'm not... entirely sure where we're going to put my current desk - I kind of expected the people who gave it to me to take it back, and we don't really have any room for it in the house if my new desk is taking the spot it's supposed to occupy. Ummm. Well, if they don't take it back in the next week or so, [profile] thebonesofferalletters is welcome to rent a truck or try to fit it in their mother's SUV or whatever and take it home.

I have been sleeping for at least 14 hours a day, probably more, for the past several days. I'm also feverish, which suggests I'm sick rather than depressed, so that's nice. Sick tends to go away faster.

Still don't know if I'm able to work yet - I'm seeing if liberal doses of caffeine will help me stay conscious and alert enough to actually accomplish anything today. Wish me luck.
mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
1) I am either depressed or sick. Probably both. Neither is awful, but both are contributing to me spending a lot of time in bed, most of it unconscious, and not getting much at all done. I'm just going to preemptively take the rest of the week off until Sunday, and maybe spare myself a little self-hatred and frustration. Hopefully by then I will feel better.

2) Ariel's ears are already looking better. I think. Probably. It's hard to tell, because he's still fucking stuck in the closet and I feel bad but there's not a lot I can do. At the very least, he seems to be feeling better.

3) The dogs have fleas. Two of the cats also have fleas (the other two having just received flea meds). We had flea meds to cover this, but they were thrown out in the move along with a shit ton of our other stuff. So now we have to go yell at the people responsible to give us money for new flea meds, and make sure that whenever they give in, they don't attempt to buy us anything that's going to kill our pets. I am so thrilled about all of this.

4) I'm hungry and I have no energy for doing dishes or cooking right now. Someone come feed me. :c
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
I have wasted this entire week trying to acquire blood test results so I can start getting treatment for what may be the entire reason behind all my physical problems. I have failed. For the entire week. Literally all I need is for them to print some shit out, so it shouldn't be so hard, and yet.

I guess just giving me the test results before I left the ER would have been too easy?

At least they're closed today and tomorrow so I get to rest for a couple days before going to bash my head against that wall again on Monday. I swear if they give me any trouble I'm going to cry. Right there in their office.

...so yes things that have happened in the two months since I last posted:
- A few depressive downswings, which is why I haven't posted in two months, I'm sorry, I still live.
- A visit to the ER because we thought I might have had a heart attack (I didn't, but we have no idea what happened other than that it wasn't a panic attack).
- Morrigan is not pregnant, and was just having a false pregnancy. I can't say I am disappointed about this. She is now buddies with the other cats and the biggest troublemaker in the house, who loves to start racing around the house just when we are trying to sleep.
- We rescued and adopted out an eight-week-old kitten who randomly wandered up to our house. She was precious but annoying as hell and I am glad we found her a family so quickly because dear god I don't have the energy for kittens rn.
- None of my pets died on the anniversary of Simba's death, which was a nice surprise for my anxiety. My sister's cat who lived with my grandparents did, but he was like seventeen so this was not surprising.
- I started writing a story that was originally for an anthology but that deadline has passed and idk what I'm going to do with it because it is going to be kind of long for most publishers? But I'm in love with it, so still working on it between meltdowns. Not this week. This week is just Too Much.

I will now attempt to catch up on my reading list until I get frustrated and give up. Please inform me of anything important that has happened in your lives that I may have missed.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
...so the temperature in the house got up to 94-96 degrees yesterday. Mal's mother chased us out of the house and drove us to the library before we got heat stroke, but I still don't quite feel well, and basically collapsed as soon as I got home. And slept for fourteen hours. Maybe more. Ugh.

At least I woke up to a nice storm and much cooler temperatures so that's not a problem today. Thank you, Ororo.

Now I desperately need to do something productive today, to make up for everything I didn't do yesterday. Blargh.
Jul. 7th, 2012 10:52 am

So.

mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Oh. Sure did... forget to post for a month and a half. Um. I'm not dead. And I will just update in bulletpoints, because it's easier that way.

  • Visited my family in Cape Cod. Discovered I do not like Cape Cod. Or lobster. And I am kind of allergic to unacknowledged wealth and privilege and (in a more literal sense, thanks to my meds) excessive sunlight. But I didn't kill myself or my family, and did not have a freakout at any point, so I consider the trip a victory!
  • Had to change meds because my insurance is made of crap. The antidepressant I was on was doing double duty for depression and chronic pain - the replacement antidepressant I got seems to be working fine, but the pain meds are A) not working as well and B) causing epic brainfog. Hopefully the brainfog will wear off and we can up the pain meds until they work, but blargh. I liked the drugs I had before, and I want them back.
  • Finally gave in and made a tumblr: [tumblr.com profile] taibhsearachd. It is primarily MCU/Marvel 616 graphics and pictures of animals, with a smattering of things related to writing, and sometimes non-Marvel fandoms.
  • Speaking of which, I may have developed a problem. As in a slight addiction. I HAVE ACQUIRED ALL THE COMICS AND AM WORKING MY WAY THROUGH THEM AND OH MY GOD SO MANY FEELINGS. Especially about Natasha Romanov and Rikki Barnes (...separately and in conjunction).
  • I have a new computer, bought with (...several months early) birthday money. It is a desktop, her name is Antonia, and she is beautiful.
  • Olivia continues to be an adorable terror. After a brief, terrifying period of growing like bamboo, I think she's finally slowed down. She's not done growing, but I no longer fear she's going to outgrow Ace by that much. We think she's probably part collie or corgi. It's all in the face, and the giant, giant ears.
  • I has a [personal profile] whatawaytoburn for the month. It's pretty awesome. They are good at making coffee and giving backrubs and reminding me to eat. And being wonderful. :D
mortalcity: Meredith Grey, looking down and smiling. (GA | I just wanna be OK today)
So I went to the doctor's office on Monday, partly just to get settled in as a new patient now that I have insurance, and partly to get a refill on my prescriptions. I spoke to the RN there rather than the doctor, but that's fine with me, because she was amazing. Or maybe I just have low expectations given my experiences with medical professionals over the past... several years, but either way, it was good.

She gave me a new antidepressant (SNRI instead of just SSRI), and when I go back in a month to talk to her about if it's working, I'm getting bloodtests and an EKG and who knows what else to see if they can figure out what's up with my heart issues. Yay for people actually taking me seriously when I tell them something's wrong with my brain/body!

In other news, [personal profile] thatrainbow is heading to Florida for a few days and wants me to drive him to the airport so we can save the cab fare... which means I have to practice driving. We went out last night when there were no cars on the road. I drove around the block once to warm up, and then to the airport and back. Nothing horrible happened and I did not have a panic attack even though it was drizzling, so I am considering it a success. I want to do it a couple more times between now and Monday morning just to reassure myself I remember how, but I think I may survive the experience.
mortalcity: Girl and a wolf, sleeping together in the grass. (wolves | pack animals)
I went to collapse on the bed in a fit of "I cannot write and therefore am a worthless human being". Ace came to lick my face (or try, because I didn't let her), and then laid down on the bed next to me so I could rest my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat. When I tried to get up, she moved so her head was on my shoulder, pinning me down more effectively than I thought possible, and kept me there until I had calmed the fuck down and felt more or less better.

Good dog. Best friend.

...In other news, I'm still alive. My beta blockers continue to work - I walked almost two miles earlier this week without a cane (and while wrestling the dog to keep her out of the road) and I didn't die! Antidepressants are still... iffy - I had a pretty bad downswing a few weeks ago, which is part of why I haven't updated for so long. Medicaid actually came through, and I haven't been to see a doctor (or get new glasses) yet, but hopefully soon.

[personal profile] thatrainbow and I took the dog to the dog park a couple days ago. Ace spent the entire time racing around and trying (awkwardly) to make friends with the other dogs, and almost fell asleep on my lap on the car ride home. We're thinking about getting either a pair of kittens or a puppy, depending on whether or not Michaelcat stops being a little shithead after he's been neutered and how soon Mat's father comes through on his promise to get our front yard fenced. Either way, I'm excited and would like my small furry creature now now now.

...yep. My life is exciting.
mortalcity: Text: "Note the swirling vortex of death." (text | note the swirling vortex of death)
I already feel better today than yesterday (I just woke up, after... fourteenish hours of sleep), so of course the universe decided it had to make me hate everything in other ways.

I got up. Put my glasses on my face. Heard something plastic hitting the floor as half my vision went blurry. Stood there for a second going "...please don't let that be what I think it was." Which, of course, it was.

My glasses are broken. It does not look incredibly easy to fix by myself, and taping it is out of the question. I look forward to the next few days or weeks of downing painkillers like candy until we figure out how to fix it or get me new ones.
mortalcity: Text: "Just because you're a zombie doesn't mean you're a bad person." (zombies | because you're a zombie)
I have come down with a cold, and it's awful. I thought at first it was just allergies, but I was wrong, and now it's bad enough that nothing is getting done because I can't really focus past how miserable I am.

I keep freaking out every time I get up and get dizzy or out of breath, because AUGH WHAT IF MY HEART MEDS HAVE STOPPED WORKING. It takes me a while to remember "No, you idiot, your meds are fine - you're sick."

...I'm positive there were other things I wanted to post about, but for the life of me, I can't remember it right now. Colds are stupid - can I trade for Kellis-Amberlee, please?
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
Bleh. My heart is acting up again today, as it has not been for the past... almost two weeks. It's making it hard to concentrate on things and reminding me how much feeling like this sucks. I feel better now than I did when I woke up, but still. Bleh.

In brighter news, I will probably be getting a tattoo soon. I am excited about it, and no, I will not tell you what it's going to be until I have it. It's a surprise. ...a really geeky one. And probably painful given the location. Oh well. 8D

Have a meme. Because A) I want some kind of distraction, and B) I have a camera and I want excuses to use it. :|
Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you're interested in - it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as a Dreamwidth entry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life, if you're remotely interested in it.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text, handwritten: "You're gonna be fine." (Fringe | you're gonna be fine)
The universe finally remembered it's winter! Yesterday was heavy snow from sunrise to sunset, and it's been snowing on and off today as well, and all is right in the world again.

I am also alarmingly cheerful about everything, if you hadn't already gathered that much. This is probably a result of the heart meds continuing to work, and every single day I notice something new that feels like a goddamn miracle. I actually have an appetite again, and don't have to be reminded to eat more than once a day. I don't hurt as much in random places for no good reason. I'm so much less tired than I'm used to - I've been waking up on my own, after eight hours, and happily rolling right out of bed, and I'm not groggy and exhausted all day long.

I can do anything I want - go grocery shopping, do the dishes, put together some drawers, bake cookies, take the dog out, or even some magical combination of all these things - and not have to weigh how much I want to do it against how much I want to not feel like crap for the rest of the day. Yesterday I went out in the world and was on my feet almost the entire time, and though I got a little dizzy toward the end, I was fine again after sitting down for a little while.

Best of all, I feel like I can think more clearly now. That thick fog I've been fighting through every time I try to do anything creative is lifting, I think, and it's been there so long I forgot what it's like without it. Even out of practice as I am, writing is fun again, not something that brings me to tears.

Everything is just so easy now, and I'm both ecstatic and terrified something's going to take it away from me. I like feeling like this. I like feeling like a person again, and I want to stay this way.

Iiiin other news, I got a box fulla awesome from [personal profile] magistrate, including, among other things, a stuffed Yersinia Pestis, a book of Russian mythology, and a camera! Best addition to an awesome day. Thank you, magi! ♥

...and I have no idea how to close this post, so have a picture of my adorable boppy I took to test the camera. )
mortalcity: Meredith Grey, looking down and smiling. (GA | I just wanna be OK today)
Wheeee, I am done being a grown-up until I have to go back to the clinic on Monday. Thank fuck. I am so tired and I just need to... not have to deal with people for a while.

Today I went to a meeting to apply for Medicaid, so I might have insurance soon. And, though the doctor from earlier this week may have been total fail in other respects, the beta blockers he put me on are made of magic and miracles. I can stand up and walk around and stay on my feet for extended periods of time and not feel like I am about to pass out and not have my heart freak out at me. I feel better physically than I think I have in years now and I cannot express how happy I am about this.

In other news, I am not totally failing at [community profile] inkingitout so far. In fact, I am about a thousand words ahead of schedule - which, okay, is totally because I set myself a ridiculously low goal for a year, but never mind that. Writing is happening!

I am trying to ignore the part of my brain insisting that it is not the right writing because it's not the novel. I decided I'd give myself January to just screw around and get back in the habit of writing anything at all, which I am doing and enjoying (with [community profile] origfic_bingo!), but aslkdjf I SHOULD BE WORKING ON SOMETHING PUBLISHABLE AND 500+ WORDS A DAY IS NOT ENOUGH AND GOD I'M SO LAZY AND-

...yeah, nothing I do will ever be enough for me. I'm aware of that. Knowing this is insane does not stop me from thinking it.