we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

mortalcity: A barred door with the words "don't open, dead inside" painted on (zombies | dead inside)
Things I did not accomplish yesterday:
- ...writing
- Taking my meds? Maybe? I'm actually not sure.

Things I did accomplish yesterday:
- Painting my nails a really nice Angelica Schuyler copper
- Somehow finishing Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts with full court approval and forcing all three leaders to stop being children and work together (I didn't even know that was possible but it was great! I did it with an elf mage too!)
- So many tags

It is not what I wanted, but I will take it. But seriously, writing today. And so many caffeine pills. Why am I so fucking tired this week? I am running alarmingly low on caffeine pills.
mortalcity: A painted rock. It has a face with its tongue sticking out. It knows things. (OtGW | that's a rock fact)
Urgh. I had to take some anxiety meds before I went to bed last night - double the tiny amount I usually take because I wasn't calming the fuck down fast enough - and I woke up with the worst headache, because I can never drink enough water to compensate for the meds dehydrating me. This on top of the mundane but annoying hallucinations before I fell asleep (it... went kind of like this), really vivid nightmares, and sleeping through my alarm.

On the bright side, I actually finished a thing last night! By... bribing myself with a nap if I wrote words fast enough, and boy it worked. I'll take it, I guess. So... cleaning that up and posting it to [community profile] rainbowfic, while I try to figure out what I'm working on next.

I should probably finish any one of the half-finished things sitting on my Google Drive, but... ugghhh...
mortalcity: A giant bulldog followed by a tiny black raincloud. Raindog has had enough. (OtGW | well. that's enough.)
I let doctors take my blood today and now I am suffering.

My heart's beating too fast in an attempt to compensate for my shitty blood pressure, which my brain of course is interpreting as anxiety, I am starving and nauseous at the same time, and I can't stand up without the whole world trying to tip sideways. And this is after a burger and a milkshake and a nap.

On the bright side, the lab tech who took my blood was very good at her job despite my tragically low blood pressure making veins difficult to find. My arm doesn't hurt and I can't even see the mark. So there's that.

I need a hug. And probably some more flesh to consume.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
Could not sleep or write because for some reason my brain would not stop screaming.

Finally talked myself into taking an anxiety pill, because I realized I had locked myself in my office for no reason (no one else is awake right now) and the internal screaming seemed likely to turn external before long.

...aaand of course, even though I only took a tiny fraction of a pill, the second it actually hits me, it's like this bank of fog just rolled into my brain. So I'm calmer, but also not writing under these circumstances.

I'm going the hell back to bed. To nap, or at least lay in the dark and read Animorphs. Whichever my brain will tolerate. Mrrph.

I'm writing when I get up, though. Anxiety doesn't get to win this time.
Jan. 15th, 2016 07:09 pm


mortalcity: Clint Barton carrying Kate Bishop, as she fires an arrow over his shoulder (Marvel | constant state of crisis)
This is less a proper update and more your periodic confirmation that I am still alive. I am very tired, my sleep schedule is broken, and I lost basically the last two weeks to this massive pile of disability paperwork that came in the mail all at once. I finished the thing, though, and only freaked out a little, so there's... that...

I have also been playing a lot of Pokemon and made significant progress on my Pokedex, which I am determined to complete for the first time ever. These are my accomplishments lately. I'll take it, I guess.

I really need to find something to write some drabbles about while I sort out the structure of longer writing-things. Where are ideas? Someone help me out here.
mortalcity: Meredith, Izzie, George and Doc the boppy lying under a Christmas tree. (GA | lights will guide you home)
Belated happy winter holiday to those of you who have one. If you can call any of what is happening right now winter? Winter in Florida was never really anything of the sort, but this is so much worse than it used to be ten years ago. Global warming is just the worst.

KM is at their parents' farm for Christmas (probably primarily because they got dinner and presents and Star Wars out of the bargain, which I can't blame them for). I have decided I'm lonely and pretty much done with them being gone, but they refused to drive back down until tomorrow. Rude.

Meanwhile, for two days I've been acting like spoons aren't a thing because I was feeling pretty okay, and I am pretty sure I am just about to crash hard into the wall of "yes you really are disabled you fucking idiot". But I have dishes to do and so much laundry to put away still and I still have to feed myself and the animals until KM gets home tomorrow and ughhhh....

At least writing has been happening. Slowly and never as much as I want, but I am remembering how to put words together in a mostly coherent fashion, and that is reassuring. Sometimes I genuinely think I have forgotten. Finished a fic I've been working on since November, wrote some not-quite-drabbles with characters I missed (I would like to try and get in the habit of daily drabbles), about to tackle some worldbuilding I've been trying to sort out for a while. Yay, me.
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
So I have meds. I'm pretty sure they are working, or starting to.

I am still adjusting/readjusting to meds, and probably will be for at least another couple weeks, and it's awful. It's just awful. Either I'm having periodic panic attacks over literally nothing (beyond a vague spider-sense that something is going wrong, somewhere in the universe, and it probably has to do with me), or I'm impossibly unfocused and my head is full of fog.

At the moment, it's actually a constant struggle to keep my eyes focused, that's how bad it is. I couldn't go to work last week because I was constantly hyperventilating and afraid to sleep for some reason, and I haven't even tried doing anything more productive than RP tags and Pokemon this entire month because it's just not going to happen and I will cry.

I hate everything and I just want to skip this and come out the other end with a semi-functional brain and the ability to walk across the house without falling over. Can I do that? Maybe?
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
I still exist. Been swinging back and forth between "pretty okay and productive" and "TOTALLY NOT OKAY AT ALL SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING" and... yeah. Brain chemistry is still doing things it shouldn't, but it could be worse.

At least now I am reassured that I really do have depression and haven't somehow been faking it for half my life. Because that was a thing I worried about for a while. Because obviously going three or four months without a hard crash means it was never real at all? /shrug

Today, I am slowly sinking into a hatespiral because the power went out just as I sat down to work. It's back now, after a couple hours, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated anyway, and I have been working on wiki pages and prewriting for weeks now and I'm getting really really sick of it and I just want to write my actual story again. So now it's super late, I still have to do my words for the day, but I have to do it while snarling at the screen and my brain and everything in the world.

My house is still not unpacked. I want to put together the bookshelves and unpack all the books and get my office set up better (though... I will still need a desk that is not a piece of crap for that), but I'm still kind of terrified something is going to make us move again. I will probably still be terrified of that for a long time, after last fucking year. I really just need someone to come over to my house and do it for me, because I'm a little concerned if it's up to me it'll never get done.

Good things happening, so this is not all sadness:
- A couple friends randomly gave me story ideas out of the blue. One of them was a jerk and gave me vampires, which I did not ask for and am not sure I want, but kind of want to poke at anyway. Because I hate myself, apparently. If anyone was wondering, I will always accept story ideas if you have one you're sure you won't write yourself. They are the best gift.
- I am in a shiny plotty RP, because a friend mods it and is a terrible enabler. I have no idea what I'm doing there yet, but I am having fun with it. And also some of my castmates are making me art just because, and it's amazing. So that's pretty cool.
- cut for photo )
Toby is still adorable and Best of Cats. This is very important.
mortalcity: Sign reading: "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!" (zombies | CAUTION!)
So I may have taken the extended weekend off because Daredevil happened and let's be honest, nothing was getting done until I finished it anyway. And it was worth it. It's so good, and I am so looking forward to the rest of the Netflix Defenders series.

Buuut now I have to get back to work and I have no focus or motivation. How do words work? What am I even working on? I don't even know anymore.

I should probably see if I can start putting something together for Queers Destroy Fantasy. Can't be Fairies Stole My Girlfriend, because that's going to turn out too long, so... what is something else with a plot? That is actually a short story? There has to be something around here that will work.

...my brain will probably work better once I eat something, but finding food is haaard.
mortalcity: Mosaic of a winged person, from La Martorana in Palermo. (angels | the call of ancient wars)
Someone with some knowledge of angelic mythology needs to design me a bunch of characters (who are not actually angels, but close). Just, like, physically. Because I'm going to need a lot of them at some point, and I can do it, but I don't want to right now. /whines

...this is not an actual request, but this is the fourth character in a week who has made me do this and I am just. Headdesking. ALL MY RESOURCES ARE IN BOXES YOU FUCKERS WHY NOW. I have to locate my angel books and/or notes and go through them again, but that's a whole process that involves putting together bookshelves and unpacking and once again, I don't wanna.

What if I just never have this character drop her illusions in this fic because I'm lazy? What if that?
mortalcity: Text: "All your friends are zombies." (zombies | all your friends are zombies)
So I am still alive. Still very tired and stressy, but alive.

No boxes have really been unpacked yet, because I managed to bruise my sternum really badly the day after we got here, making all motions involved in unpacking boxes very painful. It hurts when I hiccup. It's getting better, though, so... hopefully soon?

I have an office again. I have... a desk? Cut for grumbling )

At least the dogs enjoy the yard. We have a TV again, so I get my desktop back. And we have a guest room, for when [profile] thebonesofferalletters comes over or we want to kidnap our girlfriend from Texas or whatever. One day... These are good things.
mortalcity: Gwen Cooper peeking into a jail cell through a tiny opening. (TW | is it safe to come out?)
God I hate living in a house and having possessions that I will inevitably have to move yet again, this is awful and I want to stop. I'm living in the car now, I'm done.

...no I'm not that would be awful but seriously moving is also awful and I want to cry. There are things I wanted to do that I couldn't get to, my body is basically done re: standing up and moving things, and I managed to pull something around my sternum earlier so moving my arms a certain way hurts. Aaand when we get there everything is going to need to be unpacked again.

I hate. So much. About the way my life is right now.

On the bright side, Mat went over last night to drop off Morrigan (because she's going to be the most stressed out by all of this), and took the opportunity to draw things on the chalkboards that came with the house.

cut because slightly large images )

So that makes me feel slightly better. I just want to be done. For at least a year, preferably more. Fuck this, I'm only doing it again when I can use it to escape Florida.
mortalcity: Girl with tattooed wings on her back (angels | hide those wings away)
I actually got some decent sleep last night. I did wake up from the same nightmare five times, at least. There were bodies in my trashcans outside (I do not recall if I was responsible for the bodies or not), and my overwhelming emotion was not "holy shit a dead person" but "here's another goddamn thing I have to deal with". That's about where I am right now.

Slowly packing up notebooks, because that at least I have the resources and ability to do (and if anyone else touches these I will hurt them). The problem with this is that OCD requires I go through every single one, remove anything I don't need anymore, and carefully organize them in my bags according to purpose.

I am super annoyed at the number of different notebooks I have for a single projects. The others have mostly contained themselves to one notebook each, but fucking On a Saturday... I mean, I can see how it happened because it's been years and I'd start new notebooks as things changed or I misplaced one only to find it later but... uggghh.

Hopefully soon I will have all this info updated and contained on the wiki so I can throw these notebooks out or repurpose them. They are taking up too much space and most of them aren't even useful anymore.

Soon I will have a desk and an office. Soon I will be able to work on all my things in my space organized how I like it. Soon I'll have my desktop back so I can play video games to wind down. Soon everything will be okay.
Mar. 18th, 2015 03:13 pm


mortalcity: Sonic screwdriver. Text: "It was a nice day... and then the Doctor was dumb." (DW | and then the Doctor was dumb)
Uggghhhh. I woke up to find one of the cats (probably Toby) had chewed right through my headphones. I really liked that pair, and they were a gift from a friend. :c

This is not an issue when I have an office with a door that closes, because I lock the cats out of it when I leave and all the things they will destroy stay inside. But I have lost so many headphones since we've been here. So. Fucking. Many.

Also tried to pull my office chair out yesterday so I could use one of our tiny folding tables as a desk-like surface... and it promptly screwed up my back so bad breathing almost made me cry. Tried it again briefly today and yep. Not working. I really appreciate the thought process that led to buying the person with chronic pain a chair with a back that isn't contoured and isn't adjustable. That was a brilliant move. I'd honestly be better off in a well-padded folding chair at this point.

...today is not a total wash, though, because KM got some late Christmas money and is paying me back for using mine on household items. We are getting food and going to Barnes & Noble and I will figure out the rest of my day after that.