we are not lost

Aubrey; also Birdie.
Fantasy writer. Polyamorous and really gay. Mentally ill and disabled.
Local queen of cait sidhe. Powered by caffeine, anxiety, and spite.

Jan. 15th, 2016 07:09 pm

Nnngh.

mortalcity: Clint Barton carrying Kate Bishop, as she fires an arrow over his shoulder (Marvel | constant state of crisis)
This is less a proper update and more your periodic confirmation that I am still alive. I am very tired, my sleep schedule is broken, and I lost basically the last two weeks to this massive pile of disability paperwork that came in the mail all at once. I finished the thing, though, and only freaked out a little, so there's... that...

I have also been playing a lot of Pokemon and made significant progress on my Pokedex, which I am determined to complete for the first time ever. These are my accomplishments lately. I'll take it, I guess.

I really need to find something to write some drabbles about while I sort out the structure of longer writing-things. Where are ideas? Someone help me out here.
mortalcity: Two people sitting on a hill, looking at a darkening sky with stars. (stock | with your face all full of stars)
I spent basically all day today syncing stuff off my old dying desktop, setting up my shiny brand new computer (a winter gift from [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, which I really don't deserve but is amazing and deeply appreciated), and setting up my bullet journal for the next month and the new year. That last one took... way longer than expected, but I feel a lot more like I got my shit together now.

New computer is named Eliza, and will hopefully be as reliable and long-lived as her namesake. She is perfect and I love her.

I signed up for [community profile] getyourwordsout again for the next year, this time for the next level up. My word count this year came out to 137,056 (give or take anything I write in the next... hour or so) - short of the modest pledge level I just signed up for, but nearly double the pledge level I was doing this year. A lot of those words are things that only sort of count for various reasons, but fuck it, they went in the spreadsheet anyway. Hopefully next year I can step up my game and I will have more actual stories to speak of, but this year I figured out that maybe I actually haven't forgotten how to write after all, so that's good too, I guess.

...hopefully they post the new word tracker spreadsheet very soon, because I am going to lose my mind pretty quickly if I don't have a place to tally up my words come midnight.

Fireworks are already going off and have been for hours. Olivia Natalia is having a slow, mostly quiet neurotic meltdown over them. I am trying very hard not to join her because the passage of time is scary and stressful and I feel like I am not prepared for it. 2015 tried to kill me. So did 2014, for that matter. 2016 has to be better, somehow.
mortalcity: A flock of corvids against a pale sky (corvids | the devil counted to seven)
Oh christ I think I just opened the door for animals like dolphins to use magic in one of my universes and I am a little horrified at myself. Parrot magic. Corvid magic. Squid magic.

WHAT HAVE I DONE. They're all assholes oh my god they don't need this power. ...to be fair, humans are also assholes who don't need that kind of power, but it's too late for that.

The elephants are the only ones who deserve magic. Protect elephant witches at all costs.

(Seriously though what have I done?)
mortalcity: Meredith, Izzie, George and Doc the boppy lying under a Christmas tree. (GA | lights will guide you home)
Belated happy winter holiday to those of you who have one. If you can call any of what is happening right now winter? Winter in Florida was never really anything of the sort, but this is so much worse than it used to be ten years ago. Global warming is just the worst.

KM is at their parents' farm for Christmas (probably primarily because they got dinner and presents and Star Wars out of the bargain, which I can't blame them for). I have decided I'm lonely and pretty much done with them being gone, but they refused to drive back down until tomorrow. Rude.

Meanwhile, for two days I've been acting like spoons aren't a thing because I was feeling pretty okay, and I am pretty sure I am just about to crash hard into the wall of "yes you really are disabled you fucking idiot". But I have dishes to do and so much laundry to put away still and I still have to feed myself and the animals until KM gets home tomorrow and ughhhh....

At least writing has been happening. Slowly and never as much as I want, but I am remembering how to put words together in a mostly coherent fashion, and that is reassuring. Sometimes I genuinely think I have forgotten. Finished a fic I've been working on since November, wrote some not-quite-drabbles with characters I missed (I would like to try and get in the habit of daily drabbles), about to tackle some worldbuilding I've been trying to sort out for a while. Yay, me.
mortalcity: A girl standing under a streetlight in a snowy park. (BW | they say you should not wander)
God, yesterday was exhausting. I came to visit family in Kansas, and... my family is huge. Just freaking huge, and now that everyone in my generation is starting to get married, it's just multiplying. Not all of them live close or came to visit, but enough of them... and absolutely none of them wanted to ask about my life or do much more than vaguely acknowledge my presence, because I am the weird disabled mentally ill lesbian and no one wants to be reminded of that.

...so yeah. I had to retreat to the guest room I'm staying in and sit in the dark for a few hours, took two anxiety pills that should have knocked me out if I weren't so wound up, and I'm still vaguely exhausted from it all and attempting to deal with it through excessive amounts of coffee.

Other than the lingering tiredness, though, today is much better. I only have to deal with my grandparents and my dad, who are just as introverted and disinclined to unnecessary conversation as I am, so we're all just existing in the same room not bothering each other and it is great.

And there's snow! Well, sleet, but as long as I don't have to leave the house, it's close enough. It's cold weather and frozen water falling from the sky, all of which I have missed, and will continue to appreciate unless it ends up delaying my flight out of here on Monday. We'll see.
mortalcity: Text: "Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?" (text | total silence and blank faces)
I was just trying to write a cute backstory fic for Kilgate, and I accidentally threw in some fucking terrible foreshadowing. I kind of hate myself for this oh my god. I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT NO THIS IS AWFUL. MISTAKES WERE MADE.

...on the bright side, I finally finished this stupid story that's eaten my last two months. A couple thousand words isn't much for the time it took me to write, but I finished something and I'm so relieved because I was starting to think I wasn't capable of it anymore. [community profile] rainbowfic people, please be nice to me when I post this because I have been struggling and could use some reassurance I'm still... not totally incompetent at this.

I guess I have to pick something else to work on now. Maybe a few drabbles, if I can actually force myself to write something under a thousand words...
mortalcity: Riley Fisher with a flashlight. (OaS | DMA: Riley)
I should be writing right now, but Riley has descended into incoherent screaming and I can't get her to stop. Which would be fine, except she's narrating this thing. So I kind of need her to use her words.

This scene is almost over Riley please just work with me and then you can flip out all you want.

I'm not doing NaNo, by the way. I'm just writing. I'll get back here with an actual life update later today (after [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton drags me out of my office) or tomorrow. I promise I'm still alive.
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
So a while ago I started putting on perfume when I am sitting down to write, to help my brain settle down into "doing stuff" mode. I've been bouncing between pumpkiny scents, because that's a pretty common element in my collection and I'm not stuck using one scent it's impossible to replace when I run out. All the pumpkin means it is time to work.

And it really does help. When I actually remember to put it on.

Struggled all day with focus and words. Finally remembered perfume exists and has a purpose. Put it on and had a few easy paragraphs in front of me in fairly short order. Gold star for me.
mortalcity: Slanting light in a misty gray forest. (OaS | DMA: Kilgate)
Up in Syracuse until Thursday.

I... may have almost started crying when the plane started its descent, because once we were past the clouds I could see trees and autumn and familiar landscapes and I miss this part of the country so much. If I could move up here right now, and know we'd have a place to live and a way to not starve, I'd abandon basically all our stuff in Florida to do it.

(Animals are not optional in this hypothetical move, obviously, and neither are a few sentimental things. Various electronics are necessary, but everything else? Fuck it. Even the books. It would break my heart, but on the other hand, I've moved an entire library five times in two years, and I'm a little afraid to unpack most of it because of what happened the last time I finished unpacking all my books, so... whatever. I'd probably have to keep a few in paper form, but most of them I'd happily replace with digital copies if it meant I never had to move a box of books again.)

Proooobably going down to Ithaca today, which is not going to make me feel less homesick. Going back to Florida is going to suck. I miss my bed and my office and KM and my animals, but I hate Florida and that fucking house and everything I have to put up with down there just to survive. I just want to be here.
mortalcity: Natasha Romanova: bandaged, drinking tea, sitting in front of a wall of guns. (Marvel | so.)
Brain is finally settling down somewhat. I can think more clearly, and anxiety is down to... more or less manageable levels. Executive function is still an issue, and I'm struggling with writing and RP because of it, but I'm hoping that will sort itself out soon?

I am somewhat annoyed at myself because I had planned to do NaNo this year and I really thought I'd be prepared for it come November? But I just lost over a month of work time, and I realized something about my worldbuilding that is... helpful, but also going to require a lot more fucking work to sort out. So I don't know.

I might try to wrestle one of my other projects into something novel-shaped before the end of the month so I will have something to do with myself, but I'm not sure. Having plans disrupted upsets me and I am not very good at recovering quickly afterward. Which is basically the story of this entire terrible year.

Slooooowly getting ready for my trip to see [personal profile] jaeholderman later this week. I missed New York and I missed autumn and I missed my girlfriend and I get to have all of them for a week. /vibrates excitedly
mortalcity: Maya Hansen, holding a syringe to her own throat (Marvel | knowing the cost)
So I have meds. I'm pretty sure they are working, or starting to.

I am still adjusting/readjusting to meds, and probably will be for at least another couple weeks, and it's awful. It's just awful. Either I'm having periodic panic attacks over literally nothing (beyond a vague spider-sense that something is going wrong, somewhere in the universe, and it probably has to do with me), or I'm impossibly unfocused and my head is full of fog.

At the moment, it's actually a constant struggle to keep my eyes focused, that's how bad it is. I couldn't go to work last week because I was constantly hyperventilating and afraid to sleep for some reason, and I haven't even tried doing anything more productive than RP tags and Pokemon this entire month because it's just not going to happen and I will cry.

I hate everything and I just want to skip this and come out the other end with a semi-functional brain and the ability to walk across the house without falling over. Can I do that? Maybe?
mortalcity: Jessica Drew, making a face and waggling her fingers at the camera (Marvel | Hulk make me a sandwich)
I'm so annoyed with my brain right now. I've been struggling with a plot for this book for literal months, and then today I woke up, staggered into my office, and my brain immediately went "well obviously it needs to be about X so Y thing makes sense to have in the book".

And I am just... DON'T GIVE ME THAT "WELL OBVIOUSLY" BULLSHIT. IF IT WAS OBVIOUS I WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT MONTHS AGO.

...I mean, I am glad to know what I'm doing now, and if my brain would like to drop any epiphanies about other projects on me, I won't complain, but I do feel a little cheated. At least let me pretend I put in some effort...

*

Iiin other news, I have been volunteering Wednesdays at a recovery center for women with substance abuse problems.

It may or may not lead anywhere re: actual job (which... I will need to be medicated before that is even a possibility), and I am literally too efficient for them to know what to do with (they give me a job that they think should take an hour, I'm done in ten minutes, and then I have to wait around and read or something while they figure out what else to do with me), but. It is nice to get out of the house, it's really nice to not have to work with or around any men, and I haven't had a panic attack or cried in front of anyone yet. Be proud of me.
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham. Text: "Real is a matter of perception." (Fringe | a matter of perception)
Well that was a fun RP-related panic attack last night. Let's never do that again.

Like. It wasn't about RP - it wasn't about anything, at least initially. I just kind of ended up in a situation where my character was suddenly flipping out about things, and the actual physical/emotional component of the roleplaying sort of tricked my body into actually flipping out because I was breathing fast and my heart rate was elevated and everyone was looking at me all concerned so obviously there was something to be anxious about. And since it was tabletop and not an online game, I couldn't just... walk away between tags to cool off, and it took me a little while to realize it wasn't just the character anymore, I was actually having a panic attack.

I ended up going to lie down partway through, and taking an anxiety pill that knocked me out for the rest of the night, and I feel better now, but ugh. That was unpleasant.

(I would like to state for the record that it really was not the GM's fault for not warning me. I mean, if something similar happens in the future and I don't get a strong warning not to do the thing, I will be angry, but if you'd asked me beforehand, I probably wouldn't have seen a problem coming either. Now we all know better.)
mortalcity: Olivia Dunham, staring at the sky. (Fringe | the heavens are taken)
I still exist. Been swinging back and forth between "pretty okay and productive" and "TOTALLY NOT OKAY AT ALL SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING" and... yeah. Brain chemistry is still doing things it shouldn't, but it could be worse.

At least now I am reassured that I really do have depression and haven't somehow been faking it for half my life. Because that was a thing I worried about for a while. Because obviously going three or four months without a hard crash means it was never real at all? /shrug

Today, I am slowly sinking into a hatespiral because the power went out just as I sat down to work. It's back now, after a couple hours, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated anyway, and I have been working on wiki pages and prewriting for weeks now and I'm getting really really sick of it and I just want to write my actual story again. So now it's super late, I still have to do my words for the day, but I have to do it while snarling at the screen and my brain and everything in the world.

My house is still not unpacked. I want to put together the bookshelves and unpack all the books and get my office set up better (though... I will still need a desk that is not a piece of crap for that), but I'm still kind of terrified something is going to make us move again. I will probably still be terrified of that for a long time, after last fucking year. I really just need someone to come over to my house and do it for me, because I'm a little concerned if it's up to me it'll never get done.

Good things happening, so this is not all sadness:
- A couple friends randomly gave me story ideas out of the blue. One of them was a jerk and gave me vampires, which I did not ask for and am not sure I want, but kind of want to poke at anyway. Because I hate myself, apparently. If anyone was wondering, I will always accept story ideas if you have one you're sure you won't write yourself. They are the best gift.
- I am in a shiny plotty RP, because a friend mods it and is a terrible enabler. I have no idea what I'm doing there yet, but I am having fun with it. And also some of my castmates are making me art just because, and it's amazing. So that's pretty cool.
- cut for photo )
Toby is still adorable and Best of Cats. This is very important.
mortalcity: Sign reading: "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!!!" (zombies | CAUTION!)
So I may have taken the extended weekend off because Daredevil happened and let's be honest, nothing was getting done until I finished it anyway. And it was worth it. It's so good, and I am so looking forward to the rest of the Netflix Defenders series.

Buuut now I have to get back to work and I have no focus or motivation. How do words work? What am I even working on? I don't even know anymore.

I should probably see if I can start putting something together for Queers Destroy Fantasy. Can't be Fairies Stole My Girlfriend, because that's going to turn out too long, so... what is something else with a plot? That is actually a short story? There has to be something around here that will work.

...my brain will probably work better once I eat something, but finding food is haaard.
mortalcity: Mosaic of a winged person, from La Martorana in Palermo. (angels | the call of ancient wars)
Someone with some knowledge of angelic mythology needs to design me a bunch of characters (who are not actually angels, but close). Just, like, physically. Because I'm going to need a lot of them at some point, and I can do it, but I don't want to right now. /whines

...this is not an actual request, but this is the fourth character in a week who has made me do this and I am just. Headdesking. ALL MY RESOURCES ARE IN BOXES YOU FUCKERS WHY NOW. I have to locate my angel books and/or notes and go through them again, but that's a whole process that involves putting together bookshelves and unpacking and once again, I don't wanna.

What if I just never have this character drop her illusions in this fic because I'm lazy? What if that?
Apr. 8th, 2015 07:10 pm

Words!

mortalcity: Text: "We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realized they were inside of us." (OaS | DMA: Tegan)
Finished my first story for [community profile] rainbowfic! I'm just so glad to be finishing things recently and I need this to continue.

Crossposted fic to rainbowfic and onasaturday (OAS comm is locked but if you follow me here you're welcome to join). Fairies are terrible, but we all knew this already. Also Tegan is sad and needs all the hugs. (This is a backstory fic, so she does get them eventually. Just not from her family, but that's for the best.)

Idk if I'm writing today. I am ahead of schedule, I went out in the world for groceries, and people in RP-land are being ridiculous (one specific person, really), which has sapped the very last bit of care I have for today. I might just nest in game-building and video games?

Actual work again tomorrow.
mortalcity: Georgia Mason's press ID. (Newsflesh | rise up while you can)
Went out yesterday to see an old friend who is back in town, along with [personal profile] actuallyclintbarton, [profile] thebonesofferalletters, and [personal profile] balsamandash. Lots of fun, and weirdly like being 16 again, but totally exhausting - I came home, meant to take a nap for two or three hours maximum, and ended up sleeping forever. (I woke up for a couple hours around 4 AM, and went back to bed before 7, because nope. My body was not ready for consciousness.)

So, since I didn't get to write much yesterday, I holed up in my office today to try to make up for it. I may have spent some time lying on the floor whining about how writing is hard while Toby sat on my chest and purred, but I'm at over 800 words for the day, so it turned out well. Actually having an office again, even if it's not perfect yet, is definitely helping.

I am even ahead of schedule for [community profile] getyourwordsout! Not a huge amount, but by a comfortable margin.

A CHART! Shut up I love charts. )

Been listening to my playlists for Kilgate things while writing, and I am remembering again why I love this series. I need to figure out what I'm doing for those first two books so I can outline and actually start writing again. I am ready to go home to Kilgate now.
mortalcity: Anya Corazon and Rikki Barnes, in costume and kissing. (Marvel | supergirlfriends)
I finished a thing!

and found - Marvel 616; Rikki + Anya + Natasha + Jess. Found families and female friendships, two of my favorite things!

This is not very many words, especially for the amount of time I spent on it, but the way things have been lately, it is still an accomplishment. Especially since I did almost 500 words of it today. Here's hoping I can keep it up as I settle back into productivity.
mortalcity: Text: "All your friends are zombies." (zombies | all your friends are zombies)
So I am still alive. Still very tired and stressy, but alive.

No boxes have really been unpacked yet, because I managed to bruise my sternum really badly the day after we got here, making all motions involved in unpacking boxes very painful. It hurts when I hiccup. It's getting better, though, so... hopefully soon?

I have an office again. I have... a desk? Cut for grumbling )

At least the dogs enjoy the yard. We have a TV again, so I get my desktop back. And we have a guest room, for when [profile] thebonesofferalletters comes over or we want to kidnap our girlfriend from Texas or whatever. One day... These are good things.